how to wreck a church in the middle of nowhere

depravity of teh sleeps

2010-10-18T23:53:00.003+11:00

i am so tired. i went without sleep last night just to finish an assignment and i just finished one due tonight. plus the exhausting reality of looming exams is HEAAAVYYYYYYYYYY.... i don't even really have much to say right now, my head is SO fuzzy and my teeth hurt, every part of my body is scvreaming SLEEEEEEEEP but bed's just not happening. prolly only posting cause someone commented on my last jizz, someone's still fucking reading this?!

meh anyway i had a "mini stroke" (TIA) about a month ago, had expressive aphasia; couldn't talk for about five minutes then kept saying the wrong words for shit. (the one i really remember was pointing at a chair, and in my head i said "why the fuck can't i say 'chair'?" and i looked at it and tried really hard and the word "skiing" came out instead. so fucking random. it was HEAPS of fun akshully, but the following pressure from everybody that resulted in me eventually going to hospital to get jabbed by needles and have my brain scanned wasn't so enjoyable, the insides of my arms were bruised purple for a week. doctors shouldn't give injections. they should let nurses do it, as they know what the fuck they're doing.

yeah you shoulda seen my mum's face when i told her. she came up here for 5 days to see floriade, stayed in my dorm room. normally we'd be fighting by the end of the second day tops but she was SO NICE to me HAHAHAHA! i should tell her i've just had a stroke every fucking time we hang out!

anyway yeah anyone who's reading has prolly already heard this shit and i got nuthin new as i'm pretty much brain dead right now so imma fuck off.

so long since i've been to church.

2010-10-03T19:11:00.002+11:00

ok. so. i got a seriously kick ass score for vce. got into the uni of my dreams. moved to friggin canberra. but only for eight months of the year. and i'm nearly through my first year and i'm doing really well. scarily well. i think being a success at physics is just a matter of getting real COMFY WITH FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY no fucking idea about what's going on.

so anyway i'm in the middle of a two week break before classes resume for three weeks then stop as it's the end of year exam period. the math one is worth 50 fucking per cent. turns out advanced physics is FUCKING HARD. who'd a thunk?

i'll be back in my church in about seven weeks. but there'll be no chooks. and my beloved pussoir is gone. so it'll be pretty fucking lonely. but i won't have internetz and no landline and thanks to the switching off of analogue teev, no telly either. which suits.

really.

i noticed a severe drop off in my grades from EXACTLY when i set up the tv and got a laptop and internet access. my urge to study just PLUMMETED. if i want this whole moving to fuckin canberra thing to work i have to study at night all summer instead of frakking around on facebook or watching re-runs of the simpsons.

no kidding, the grades are good, but it's SO HARD. if i actually studied properly it would be so much easier and i'd want to get up in the morning and pour my brain into the problems at hand instead of thinking of them like they're some agonising torturous chore, that i only direct the bare minimum of effort to. i feel like a friggin fraud. i can't tell you anything i've learnt with any conviction i've just bumbled through learning what i have to at the time then i pretty much forget it. the interest just isn't there. granted at this stage the knowledge is pretty fucking boring most of the time, like i could give a fuck about electronics... but still... if it's necessary, i usually make myself learn it even if i don't feel like it, but if the net is there or there's tv to watch, i just never get around to it and when the assignment is due or the exam is to be taken, i just cram malevolently, hating every fucking minute of it... i can't keep that up for eight fucking years.

i want my curiosity back full time... none of this part time shit where it disappears when there's serious fuckin work involved.

anyway i doubt anyone ever reads this blog anymore... i can't even remember the last time i posted, i've been pretty friggin negligent with it since facebook and twitter took off really... but i think i'll start rambling again. it's therapeutic.

i'm going to throw a do at the church when i get home. with heaps and heaps of good food. hopefully some of you can make the trek.

miss you guys.

Lobelia Marjoram

2009-11-27T17:43:00.002+11:00

that's two plants. not a cunt part.. speaking of which i have a new one.. a tiny flesh tag has decided to sprout right next to my hoo hoo. i ripped it off and man it bled a shitload but i think those things actually grow back. sigh. getting old is gross. next hair will start pushing itself out of my chin.

plus i have a singlet sunburnt onto my back. the evil daystar strikes again.. i was dressed to garden in cold n rainy weather but then it got kinda muggy so i stripped off n kept workin away n the sun came out from behind the clouds a few times but didn't stay out at all.. but when i got inside i went to scratch the back of my neck and went OOOOOOW!

thank fuck i was workin with my back to it or i'd have redface as well as a red neck. yee haw.

and after all this rain, the soil is SATURATED.. it's so wet it's just WAITING hornily for me to finish digging it over so i can shoot my seed into it.. hehe..

everything around me is rooting. those harlequin bugs gettin round ass to ass.. birds doin their come-fuck-me dances.. plants bursting into pollen heavy flowers n bees pimping em out.. dirty bastards.

i really need to get the irrigation in before i plant but man.. it's a big job and i've just finished the gargantuan task of making a net trellis for the almond grove and putting bird net over it.. plus i've dug up and turned over and chopped up over 200 square metres of garden beds which has really really fucked me.

all that studying has made me SO unfit!!! just sitting there day after day while my muscles friggin atrophied has made me SOFFFFFFT!!!!!

no kidding i'm gettin carpal tunnel just from gripping the shovel.. but i'll be fit in a few more weeks of ass-bustery and the garden will be fucking sweet this year.. provided i actually get off my fucking fat arse and get the irrigation in..

strawberries are going fucking BALLISTIC throwin up fruit like no-one's business but millipedes have been hollowing out about 95% of them. i always go to pick them and go OH here's one that i can EAT! and i'll turn it over and it'll be full of creepy black insectoid eels. found out they're not actually insects on account of em havin so many leggies.. so what are they? fucking annoying that's what.. i dunno molluscy things? meh regardless they're not insects so insecticides don't kill them.. all i can do is remove their food supply; they live on decaying matter so i had to strip back all the mulch which will carry it's own badness over summer..

i usually let the chooks out when i'm weeding or digging or clearing under plants or moving garden refuse cause as soon as i lift something up they rush in and start eating all the unearthed bugs. which is awesome.. they LOVE earwigs and spiders and slugs and slaters but for some fucking reason they just won't eat the millipedes..

it's weird to think that by eating their ovulations i am indirectly eating slugs and earwigs.. mmm. buggered if i know how they digest all that slug slime.. i can't even get it off my gloves.. so disgusting.. fuckin bug jizz.

soooooooo i guess imma be planning a planting schedule.. got me whiteboard out.. rubbed off exam study flow chart.. now to replace it with a harvest flow chart.. nerd much? successive planting is sweet cause it means you don't get ten tonnes of something all at once.. but you have to be real organised or it all gets really confusing.. when and where have i/did i even plant that yet/already?!

cherries are looking amazing.. and this year i actually got round to netting them so i won't have to pick and eat them while they're still crunchy and half sour just to beat the fuckin birds and possums.. oh i can't WAIT they look so delicious hanging off the tree in clusters. shame it's not a bigger tree though.. i'll prolly only get a kilo or two..

same with apricots and mandarines and plums and apples and olives.. almonds however should be fantastic this year.. seeing as pretty much all of them will be MINE!!! parrots and possums can SUCK MY BALLS.

Nets are ACE, i dunno how much i'll get cause you can never tell how much is nut until you shell them after hullsplit.. but a kilo or two of almonds will last me a month whereas a kilo or two of cherries might last me a few days hehe.. mnmnmnmnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom

the currants and gooseberries and raspberries aren't looking too flash this season but i really let the grass rape them while i was busy studying.. i'm surprised they're still alive i had to practically go on fuckin safari to find them.. with all their sunlight blocked out and sharing all their nutrients with weeds.. it's amazing they survived enough to put up a few flowers.. meh

imma try makin sundried tomatoes this year.. i did some a few years ago but i didn't put salt on them as they were drying so they were all weird and sweet.. like fucked up craisins.. actually imma try alot of preservation this year.. i have a feelin it's gonna be a bumper crop. if K-town doesn't get caught up in a friggin bushfire..

heh.. K-town.. finally a name for it that doesn't take up 12 letters..

in about two months this place is gonna look like a nursery! after all this rain my 30,000 litre tank is almost FULL and there's MORE TO COME!!! i can't tell you what a load off that is.. i was down to less than a third full a fortnight ago and was wondering how the fuck i was gonna raise the cash to get water carted in over summer.. but not now.. i can stop plugging up the bathtub permanently to collect shower after shower until it's deep enough to bother bucketting out..

it is SO CREEPY stepping into a bathtub to shower, where your own grotty water from the last four comes halfway up your shins.. brrr.. plus bonus bugs that have bounced off the window and drowned in it.. ugh.. drought sucks cunt.

I LOVE RAIN!

thanks nature!

waiting game

2009-11-16T17:27:00.002+11:00

so i've FINiShEd VCE!!! bite me school! i'm fairly sure i screwed up that last exam.. physics.. i just had NO TIME to study for it.. i suppose the last exam is always a little neglected that way poor lil fuck.. ah well.. oh did i mention?!?!

I

FUCKIN

FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!

now i just gotta wait til 15th december for the results NGNGNGN! and fucking JANUARY til admittance letters come out.. DOUBLE NGngNgNGnnnG!

i got a xmas card from ANU today as a prospective student, for an advisory day in melbourne on the 16th december so i'll be down then and prolly catch up with some of you thereabouts..

but yeah after the last exam i went straight out to my mum's and the restaraunt she was gonna take me too was shut and she'd accidentally thrown out the stash my brother left there for me ages ago.. but i didn't care. i pretty much went to sleep as i'd had none the night before.

then i went to the city and had iolites in the park with leila and then back to jo's and ended up staying the night and getting trashed outta my BRAIN. caught train home next day and did a big shop, stocked fridge and perty much sat on ze couch for about two days cause it was too hot to garden. then i got so bored i gardened in the heat and got sunstroke..

HOORAY!

just got back from town as i was slashing grass (hehe DIE! man i've been HANGING to do that) and i ran out of snipper line and two stroke so i went to get more in town wearin ma gumboots and bought a sack of grain for the chooks and i'm feelin a lil bit country.

except for the part where i listen to SHIT MUSIC.

anyway, as it appears that no-one bar a few will be turning up this weekend, i officially give up trying to stage get-togethers. you're all very sociable and it's summer so you're all pretty fully booked, you all have time restrictions cause of jobs, and i dunno i feel a tad guilty asking you to come all the way out here..

please know that you are all welcome at ANY TIME.. i AM a hermit.. but i love having my friends visit.. as let's face it, anyone that has managed to befriend a recluse is obviously pretty fuckin cool.

yes i'm talking to YOU motherfucker!

a big thankyou hug from the sometimes-hater-of-our-species for your support these last few years.. even if it is only a gay internet hug..

xox

anyone there?!

2009-11-08T11:37:00.003+11:00

ok so no-one wants to help me garden.. my flabby arms thank you as they need all the work they can get heh.. but i would still like to get you all up here for an end of VCE celebration..

well that's what I'LL be celebrating.. you guys can just come up and chill n eat n drink n veg.. it's been two years of hardcore-ness so i feel the urge to mark it with some kind of closing ritual and would love it if some of you would make the trek..

still two more exams and four days to go til i'm finally free..then i don't find out what my enter score (out of 100) is til the 16th december.. then i won't find out til i got into ANU til friggin JANUARY... anxious wait much?!

anyway if i crack 90.. imma.. imma.. yeah i dunno what imma do.. but imma feel good. cracking 90 = elligible for merit based scholarships = able to keep church for another year... so BIG yayness..

i'd better go and fuckin study then hadn't I?!?!

four more days four more days four more days

god i can't WAIT to get into my gumboots and go NUKKIN FUTS with the slasher.. ohhhhhhh man i'm hanging bad..

anyway yeah.. dates.. uh.. the weekend of the 21st/22nd nov sound do-able or is it too short a notice for you jobby people?!

pls lemme know.. will post this same shite on facebook at some stage.. as i dunno how many of you cunts still read this shit i'm dribbling here..

xox.

.

call of the wild

2009-11-03T12:26:00.002+11:00

oh MAN... MUST..... GARDEN!!!!!!!!!

i looked at my pea plants and strawberries a few days ago and said "oh COME on.. i'm HUNGRY!" plus the chooks have been off the lay cause of the sudden change to ass bustingly hot weather.. anyway i didn't pay attention to anything except exams for the last few days.. DONE WITH VCE SPECIALIST FOREVER HOORAY! i think i did ok.. thank CHRIST i did practice exams! such good revision..

anyway i haven't been able to even look at the garden for the last few days and i went out there this morning and the pea plants are DRIPPING with succulent pods.. there's snow peas, purple peas, sugarsnap peas, greenfeast peas, telephone peas (cause they grow as tall as a telephone pole.. they're not shaped like telephones or anything).. my jaw just dropped.. which was convenient as it meant my mouth was already open when i started shovelling them in there straight from the bush... NOM NOM NOM NOM oh man they make frozen peas taste like cardboard..

plus my strawberries are just starting to ripen! they are LOADED with fruit.. only a few were ripe enough to eat (*drooool*) but man... i have to ignore the garden again til saturday to deal with a pesky methods exam.. so by the time i look again i should have PUNNETS of the fuckers! i'm sure it was all that soil preparation i did last year.. they are going fucking MENTAL.. plus the rain doesn't hurt either seeing as i don't have time to water the bastards..

it's so hard to study cause whenever i look out the window i can hear my garden screamin "come stick your hands in me!" like some horny animal.. oh man it's gonna take me SO LONG to reclaim it all from the weeds.. i did manage to dig over a large bed and keep the strawberry patch weed free but it's like a jungle expedition just getting to the chook house..

i'm ok to do it alone.. but would really appreciate some help.. i reckon four or five people could get it ship shape in a weekend and i would gratefully cook up a storm for participants if any of you city slickers wanna get outside and get physical in nature for a day or two..

it's all just an idea at the moment i don't finish exams til the 11th so it'd wanna be asap after that.. before it gets too hot and the flies come.. i'm just so paranoid.. the place is a weed farm.. which means it's both a fire hazard and a haven for SNAKES.. not yet.. but if i leave it much longer than november.. it's gonna be a big problem..

anyway here's what i need help with if anyone's up for lending a hand (in return for serious noms of course!) ....

1; i will do the slashing but the grass will need to be heaped in one place as i will line the chookhouse with some (they eat the seeds and nest in it when it dries) and compost the rest.

2; places inaccessible to the slasher (not many) need to be weeded by hand (easy enough just time consuming)

3; compost heap needs to be forked over and the stuff that's composted down enough needs to be dug through the soil of some garden beds..

4; putting up some trellising for the grape vines and espaliering fruit trees.. i have reo and have managed to get some trelising up by myself but it would be SO much easier with more hands..

5; repositioning of reo sheets on back fence.. i just want to put them on the other side of the fence posts.. easy enough but as the sheets are 2&1/2 m long it would be a lot simpler if i had help (i can't believe i shifted 6m lengths of that shit by myself to make the greenhouse! it's really awkwardly floppy and heavy to move around)

6; moving the old tank stand somewhere off the garden beds..

7; moving some big rocks (again)

so that's what needs doing.. asap after nov 11th.. perhaps the weekend of the 14/15th? or the weekend after that? i'm easy as school will be over and i don't have anything planned hahaha YAY!!!!! anyhoo... lemme know if you feel the call of the wild..

i surely fucken do!

.

rabid underdog

2009-11-01T15:27:00.003+11:00

i iz a third o the way through exams now.. feeling remarkably relaxed for someone who has FUCK ALL chance of getting a decent specialist score... if i crack 90 for an enter imma... imma... imma go YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY for a week..

i was the only person who came out of the english exam-a-thon (3 hrs long) that high-fived the teacher... a few of my mates even freaked out and left... man i nailed that fucker.. which will hopefully make up for my SUCKING at specialist exams..

i don't actually suck at math.. but math exams are not about math.. they are about strategy; which is something you only learn at private school.. where they actually don't give a fuck about teaching students the subject.. they only care about teaching them to attack exams to keep success rates high, their reputation intact and their fucking fees justified..

i've had three people who learnt specialist at private schools tell me that they glance through the text (which took us a whole year to get through at public school) in TWO months then spend THE REST OF THE YEAR DOING PRACTICE EXAMS.. apparently no-one gets less than a B+ at the end of it all which drives the standard up too high for public schoolers to even compete with... but six months later they can't remember a fucking THING.

so i'll get a pretty fucking average score for spec. but atleast when i get to uni i will know what the fuck i am talking about. i'm hoping uni selection panels acknowledge the difference between public and private school spec scores and gimme a fuckin break.. but something tells me anyone on a uni selection board will have had a private school education so maybe they fucking won't, as they will be clueless turds..

the condescention!

how DARE they compare their scores to mine.. or compare ANYONE from public schools' scores to their private school scores. honestly how fucking CLUELESS they can get away with being! they have NO IDEA how ridiculous it is to be so proud of their 99.8 enter.. they live in a fucking FANTASY LAND where their "intellect" is "superior"... they're so fucking stupid they can't see that they're comparing their circumstances.. with their expensive private tutors and endless free time and unlimited resources.. to the circumstances of people who have to spend atleast two thirds of their waking hours doing everything BUT studying in order to just keep their heads above water..

i'm real sick of the difference between rich education and poor education. it's not that i'm naive.. i obediently accept that the more money you have the more of a leg-up you have over your poorer counterparts and that's just the way it is.. but don't tell me i have to like it.

consider this the summer of my fucking discontent.

i know in my gut.. that if it was about survival.. when you strip away the privilege and false confidence in their ability that has been purchased and instilled in these silver spooners by their rich parents.. i would kick their asses.. simply because i have been forced to use only what i have; as nobody has given me anything.

unfortunately in comparison to these big fucking BABIES my scores come up so very short.. and this leaves me no option but to beg for consideration like some halfwit who didn't have enough intelligence to make the grade.. but inside some part of me knows the truth.. i'm smarter than they'll ever be.. and if the playing field were level.. i'd be the one playing pro-sport.

bitter much?

maybe i fucking should be. maybe you fucking should be too.

that's trippy... taka

2009-10-18T18:58:00.002+11:00

born from an egg on a mountain top....

i love that show.

pigsy, tripitaka, sandy, monkey, that weird dude that morphed into a horse. the people who brought that show to life must have been tripping balls. which incidentally was what i was doing last weekend.

born from a session-egg at an apartment near the domain interchange-top..

"potfest 2009" (9-11 oct) unfolded thusly.....

i totally should have invited non pot-heads but the huge and very expensive pot stash wasn't mine to offer and i just wanted to be completely fuckin BAKED for a whole weekend and couldn't picture any non-potheads keeping up with the level of mental devolution without DYING of boredom.. or atleast without ME dying of PARANOIA that they were.

there were eight of us the first night. much food and much grass. Coffee table was COVERED with drugs. like a buffet at some convention for mindbenders. looked like the floor of my first share house.

This guy Niall, who i met through BB, came up and brought an entire backpack full of smoking paraphernalia; early vapourisers and bits of this bong and that bubbler... man.. when it was all unpacked it looked like he had looted some victorian laboratory... he had this flat bottomed connical flask with a siphon that led to a HUGE glass cone and you had to heat the fucker by docking the nozzle of a PAINT STRIPPING GUN (about the size of your average power drill) into the cone... it was hella smooth but felt like i was sucking on a big crazy flower vase while a guy was drilling into the side of it.

this chick Cat, who i haven't seen since high school (and her girlfriend Mandy) rocked up for froidee noit and looked exactly the same as she did 15 years ago which was made all the more surreal by her box of smokeable whatnots.. there was some grass but also heaps of legal herbal smoking mixes.. i tried one called bliss and it felt a bit like i had turned cotton woolly.

had a banquet. watched doco where unfortunate rainforest ant had contracted fatal spores that made a mushroom sprout from it's fuckin head. smoked til we passed out. prolly had disturbing dreams but no memory left to remember them with.. so yay!

next day the two girls took off and those leftover took magic mushrooms on a yonder grassy knoll and giggled and rolled all over the ground for a while before STAGGERING for AGES back to the church which seemed to be mocking us, slinking further and further into the distance, as we lurched towards it at an incredibly minimal, yet highly confused velocity.

MATHS TRIP: modelling the inverse relationship (one value goes up while the other goes down) between 'X' (amount of magic fungus pills consumed) and 'Y' (ability to physically arrive home)...

judging from the sheer inability to co-ordinate an approach to the church demonstrated by those who had only consumed DOUBLE the amount i took, i deduced that it wasn't directly proportional at all so i chose a negative parabolic formula (for a positive only domain from zero to infinity pills but stopped at 500 for logical reasons) there's a graph and everything but i couldn't get it on here.. i'm sure you're spewing about that.

for those of you who are still awake, the equation is; {f: [0, 500] -->R, f(x) = -X^2 + 225}

NOTE:

maximum ability to navigate homeward corresponds with lowest shroom value (zero capsules).
ability to find front door in a churning fractal universe equates to ZERO at 15 shroom capsules.
anymore than 15 capsules results in NEGATIVE ability to locate dwelling, which infers that one who has consumed more than 15 crazy caps would (even when carried home and placed on the doorstep) be unable to recognise the structure or its location and would be just as likely to set about building a nest out of colored strips torn from their own clothing in order to attract cosmic disco birds; as to fumble their way inside by coincidence.
when amount of caps (x) is around 50, homing ability (y) slouches toward negative infinity, inferring a return to the source, where the material aspect of our dimension ceases to exist and hence everywhere is home, regardless of co-ordinates. NB; This would only be paradoxical if the traveller ever REACHED negative infinity.. an event whose probability is highly disputed among trippers, but for our purposes here will be considered to have a probability of zero (impossible).
past about 50 caps, each extra tiny FRACTION of mushy capsule corresponds to an EPIC decrease in ability, suggesting that at some stage even the tiniest inkling to take any more would be effectively eclipsed by sheer lack of ability to do so and the time taken to manage the task.

Here's an example. Julie takes 19 magic mushroom caplets about five minutes apart, before heading home... she sets out with maximum ability to get there but one of the caps has dissolved and she's now under the influence of one shroom tablet (when x=1, y=224) and hence her ability is now 224.. after 5 minutes she's digesting 2 caps which decreases her ability to 221, when she's digested 8 caps, her ability is 161 and at 13 caps, ability = 56

when she experiences the weirdness of 15 caps... her ability reaches zero.

At 16 caps her ability is now negative 31, and at 19 it's -136... so at this stage Julie is now a pan-dimensional, trans-corporeal entity who prolly has few boundaries left between the beautiful void soup of the universe and what makes her herself.

she could take more than 19 and in so doing fade out her remaining boundaries a little more with each one, but her ability to take more sinks drastically with each pill ingested.. and so the time increments between each successive pill also grows.. eventually there's a saturation point where the earliest pills taken start to wear off as the newer ones kick in; a sort of psychotropic equilibrium... so she'd likely plateau somewhere round "knowledge of time travel"...

Although she could reach a state of all-consuming awe, where her sentience in our plane is doubtful.. mushrooms are temporary, their effect decreases with time, and there is not an infinite supply... so Julie's shroom cap number would eventually have to return to the origin (zero) and her ability to cut a path home; to the starting point, 225, although she'd prolly wonder how the fuck the cosmic disco bird nest got there.

i cannot believe i just wrote all that.

i pity any of you that aren't doing maths and are still fucking reading.

so after overstaying my welcome in mathland, we made it back FINALLY and pretty much rolled all over each other and laughed and cried like crazy, crazy babies. One guy James got 'the burning' where everything around you becomes so enhanced it's a little overwhelming.. everything is beautifully tragic and tragically beautiful.. it's like an overdose of emotion.. up up up up up... JOY!!! down down down down down... WAH!!! up up up up up JOY!!! ....etc.

On one peak he was shouting 'yes! YESSS!!! i win. i WIN MY LIFE!!!!' and i don't think there was a dry eye in the place when his fiance Jo caught him on the way down to boo-hoo-town and he just fell into her.

they get married in under three weeks. on a boat motherfucker! *imagines T-pain on mushrooms*

so when we were all done crying and cackling and being utterly confused we tried to eat the roast i had SOMEHOW managed to cook while FUCKED out of my TREE and it was so, SO gross.... eating while SPASTIC is gross. the roast was nice but i totally had the anti-munchies.. pretty much the same deal with the cake.

i spent a whole day cooking and a lot of food was wasted which is evil when half the world is starving.. thank fuck i LOVE cooking and can feed the chooks with the leftovers or i would DIE of guilt..

i don't think anyone really slept that night, mushies have a habit of spinning your mind even after your body has checked out for the night.. but we all seemed awrite sundee.. smoked HEAPS of grass.. played a pot-growing board game called "hydro-lord" and then it was homeward bound for the visitors while i sank into the couch and tucked into my birthday present from BB = massive bag o' weed/science compendium, with the help of my birthday present from jo and james = brand new bong.

so i guess i'm 34 now. meh. color me indifferent. i'll get excited when i turn 37; i'll be in the PRIME of my life...

sigh.

ok i'm putting the maths humour AWAY now.

but omg so going to lose it when i turn 42....

anyway yes. a great weekend that actually made me forget about exam insanity for many many happy hours.

And as i've already told my fellow trippers;

I have decided to award us the golden fractal for services rendered to experiencing awesome shit.

the wall

2009-08-29T23:25:00.003+10:00

god everywhere i look it's fail!

i have tests looming. so i sit and watch an entire season of something i like.. followed by an entire season of something i don't really like at all until my eyes go fuzzy and my fridge is empty and i'm surrounded by dirty dishes and i have eyestrain from watching tv for the last 12 hrs straight.

and all the while i'm telling myself "just one more episode and then i'll get to studying"...

i'm not going to make it.

this is not one of those instances where i leave everything til the last minute and still get A plusses. i need to develop study habits that DO NOT SUCK... because for the next seven years, i'm going to need to be trying my best.. not seeing how late i can leave it and get away with it..

god i'm so tired of this shit! it's not like i'm even relaxing when i'm procrastinating! the ENTIRE TIME i'm stressed out and there's a loop in my head going "I need to study why aren't i studying i am so lame for not studying right now jesus i need to study why am i not studying?!?!"

i don't even know how many people read this shit anymore it seems like every clown has left blog town.. but if you are reading this.. please.. i'm asking you for a favour.

i need you to kick my ass.

seriously.

and i'll prolly hate you temporarily for it but will dig you more in the end.

please.

from now until exams are over (they finish late nov)

if you see me twittering or on facebook, i'm procrastinating. please comment. be harsh. i need some tough love. i never had anyone to do that for me. most likely it's because i grew up with everyone around me convinced that if they tried to tell me what to do i would tear their fuckin faces off...

lack of strong father figure blah blah blah whatever.

i'm not asking you guys to be daddy. i need a fuckin lethal drill sergeant.

i just can't seem to do it alone.

i need to learn discipline.

i'd rather learn it from people i know aren't just trying to program me to kill foreign people in their own country.. people i can trust..

so please.. just keep sending me messages/emails/comments i don't care how it gets to me just i dunno send a fuckin telegram just please send something.. OVER and OVER.. when you're bored just send it to me again.. and again!!!

I HAVE HIT THE FUCKING WALL

just like a marathon runner.

all can do is sit on my stunned ass and watch all my hard work go down the toilet..

so please i really really need your help.

YES YOU.

i really need you to just keep repeating yourself over and over..

WHY AREN'T YOU DOING HOMEWORK./THERE'S ONLY WEEKS TO GO./ GET UP./ YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING NOW/ GET THE FUCK OFF FACEBOOK..

please i just want to get through this shit to a successful standard.

help.

hell of mirrors

2009-08-16T12:13:00.003+10:00

it's nearly spring i'm supposed to be full of energy! i managed to weed the turnip patch a few days ago.. but yesterday i got up at 8PM.. that's 16 hrs sleep.. and i was so exhausted i ended up going back to bed 4 hrs later.. i dunno what's going on with me.. i'd say it's depression.. fatigue or oversleeping is a really common symptom.. i don't feel depressed though but that's the nature of the beast isn't it? i only know when i'm coming out of it; that i've actually been IN it..

and having read my last few posts i'm wondering have i actually detected it while it's here for once? what the fuck am i supposed to do about it? counselling is shit.. it just makes me cry and really does no good in the end.. i don't need someone to hear what i think is causing all this.. because it's not that i'm poor.. it's not the stress of vce.. it's not loneliness.. it's not any of the things i would be led into crying about in a counselling session.. because if i was well in the head.. i'd be able to deal with all those things just like everyone else deals with their own particular problems.

depression renders me unable to deal with life effectively.

so what's the point in crying to some stranger about what i logically allocate as causes.. when it all has NOTHING to do with logic at all? i'm dysfunctional because there is a chemical imbalance in my brain.. anything i could label as a reason isn't really the cause. the chemical imbalance is.

mental illness is like a hall of mirrors.. haunted by memories.. flooded with obstacles that clutter your way, without actually existing.. you want to go forward.. but all you see is a reflection of yourself surrounded by ghosts and walls of junk that won't let you pass..

everything inside you tells you that you are stuck fast.. hemmed in by the corners of furniture and car doors and suits of armor and pianos and the 2D cold hard glass version of yourself looking back at you with disdain, forcing you to remember every instance where you have behaved badly... forcing you to focus on your guilt and your shame like you have those fork things holding your eyes open..

there is never any way out. until it is finished with you. and when it is.. you'll know because you will suddenly be aware that the prison cage made of evil things holding you still: isn't solid; isn't actual.. you will suddenly know that what you see is a trick and even though logic tells you that if you walk into a mirror it will crack and cut your face up.. you know that the mirror in front of you isn't really there.. and you walk forward and it all evaporates and there you are standing in the supermarket.. or the street.. wondering how you fell for it AGAIN..

and you know you should feel brave for conquering this installment of "hell bi-monthly" but as there is no real proof you've actually done anything.. it's hard to pat yourself on the back.. especially because you feel so damn gullible.. and deep down you know that it wasn't you that heroically burst through the illusion.. it was the illusion that temporarily let you go..

maybe it was bored with you..

sometimes i watch my cat playing with a mouse.. he'll keep it in a corner, consumed with mortal terror, then after a while.. he gets bored and lets the poor wretch escape so it can run and he can catch it again.. just to keep things interesting.

.

chippies!!!

2009-08-14T15:37:00.002+10:00

ok so i'm coming home last night, it's a bout midnight i'm driving along a potholed road in the bush and i was having an imaginary conversation with someone that actually prolly exists, about something i can't remember and i feel this crunch.. like i bit into.. a crumb of something hard and i was like WTF? i don't remember eating anything.. my tongue found nothing in my mouth so i thought nothing more of it, then i went to chew on my bottom lip and there was something there.. it was a chip of my fuckin front tooth!

i look like i've been in a barfight. oh it just had to be a front one didn't it? it's sharp too.. cuts my tongue.. yet for some reason my tongue just wants to keep running over it.. anyhoo so i have to book into the dentist which i fucking hate so i've been procrastinating about it all day. this is my last resort. after this there's nothing for it but to call the fuckers and prepare for a damaging bill. i'm pretty sure it's just the filling bit that's chipped off not actual tooth but i'm sure they'll find some way to charge me alot, they always do.. and i wasn't going to renew my health insurance this year! haha! yay..

and i suppose while i'm at it i better get a check up and blood test, i'm just so run down and sad and incapable of physically functioning.. i think i've had nurofen for blood for the last three weeks.. i dunno.. i eat so well and i'm on spirulina and fish oil and vitamin c and a berocca every second day so it's not like it's a nutritional issue.. i've been putting it off and putting it off..

guh.. i just hate the medical profession. they tell you "x" is wrong and you just have to take their word for it and there's no way you can check for yourself.. it's like a housewife taking her car into the mechanic.. atleast 50% of the time the guy's gonna say "oh well you need this and this and this done" so he can charge her whatever and she can't check. she just has to trust.

i don't do trust.

not when it comes to business.. which is what medicine is.. particularly dentistry..

my mum went to the doctor the day after an incident that resulted in a visit to hospital for something that ended up being fairly standardly harmless (turned out to be gall stones which heaps of people have) and the doctor said "oh we'll have to take out your gall bladder it will mean you can no longer eat blah blah and some other side effects and i've booked you in for the surgery in three weeks time"...

we have learned since that this is not in ANY WAY necessary.

i hate modern medicine.

they just want to keep the industry alive by doing as much shit to you as they can, even if you don't need it.. not that you can TELL that you don't need it.. you have to already KNOW.. or else you'll just do what the doctor says because you're afraid not to; i mean they have your best interests at heart right?

i mean they'd never prescribe you a drug you didn't require or subject you to the dangers of surgery unless you absolutely needed it right?.... RIGHT?!?!

They'd NEVER try and re-attach your mother's mangled arm after a car accident, by taking skin and nerves and muscle from all the healthy parts of her body, even though they were well aware she would never be able to use it as her shoulder was permanently dislocated, and they'd therefore have to re-amputate it along with all the other healthy bits they wasted, just so they could give trainee doctors some practice in microsurgery.. right?...........

Right?

RIGHT?!?!?!

eggsac

2009-08-10T15:57:00.002+10:00

the chooks are startin to lay again.. they have lush new feather coats after moulting.

i really need to whippersnip the grass..

i keep finding BULLANTS around the sink.. always curled up in the dishcloth and last night.. i pulled back the doonah and there was one just hanging out in my bed!! plus a bonus hornet.. if i cut the grass i'll be able to find the nest and obliterate it.. i just have no idea where they're marching from.. god they're huge.

and hornets pfff don't even get me started. those red, bulbously assed motherfuckers are everywhere.. i killed about ten last night. must be a nest in a nearby tree.. they are from hell. you swat them.. they get up and buzz off like nothing happened.. you swat them REPEATEDLY and they stagger for a bit but are generally unharmed. i've swatted a few of them so hard their heads have come off and the seperate bits have still been moving when i walk past like ten minutes later.. the little antennae still waving around.. so fucking creepy.

anyway i've been studying trigonometry MADLY for the past three days straight and i swear to god i need glasses my eyes are fuzzy with triangles..

i have a methods sac on antidifferentiation (if you don't know.. don't ask) tomorrow.. then a sac for english the day after then ANOTHER antidifferentiation sac for specialist the day after that.. and i haven't even started with the DIFFERENTIATION let alone the antidifferentiation.. but from what i can gather it's pretty easy.. cept for the specialist shit that incorporates alot of trigonometry INTO the calculus.. cause one subject at a time would be too easy.. fuckers..

anyway i have such uber eye strain i'm really loathe to start squinting at more numbers but FFS i better start like.. YESTERDAY..

still coughing up chunks of lung now and again but for the most part i'm better.. just in time to get to school without being prepared at all.. i'd like to say i can rest after this weeks mad testing catch up but i can't cause there's ANOTHER fucking round of sacs NEXT WEEK for which i will have four days to prepare..

then again.. it's only three months til exams then i'm free for like a month or two to figure out where all this shit will take me! canberra? sell church? bendigo? open uni? i never really wanted to do correspondence schooling EVER AGAIN but the more i hear about university these days the more i realise that it's all pretty much correspondance these days..

i mean you can download a lecture and listen to it in your own home.. or you can turn up to uni and sit and listen to a pre-taped lecture there.. i really wanted to be able to bounce off a live person who knew what the fuck they were talking about.. a professor of the knowledge i want.. but there is a massive skills shortage as far as science teaching is concerned so they all fuck off overseas where the money's better.. don't blame them.. it just means.. well.. i guess i'm just pissed off to know that i'll be getting into an ungodly amount of debt for just a piece of paper.. i thought uni would be about connection with like minded people you could learn from.. but not now..

it's a business and they will give you what costs them the least and charge you the most. ah well. i suppose racking up debt is just modern life for you really isn't it? you're either doing it by having kids or a mortgage or an education or combinations of those..

i'm just so sick of worrying about money. sometimes i think about inheritance and actually yearn for it. that's how bad it is right now. i'm actually inadvertantly wishing my dad would shuffle off the coil before he pisses his recent inheritance up against the wall.. he's not really living anyway. and it's not like i want the guy around he's an asshole. but i still feel so dirty for thinking like that.

sigh. you think your life is hard now? mm. well it just gets harder. and harder. and harder. until the crushing weight flattens you. and just when there's hardly anything left of you as a person.. that's prolly when the money will arrive. you'll most likely find out you have cancer the next day.

why is the air like custard?

2009-08-01T21:23:00.002+10:00

OH H h hhhhHHHH my god omigod omigod omigod omigod i am so so so ill.. i'm so sick i'm actually a little scared.. i have to keep reminding myself that doctors only SAY they can help you.. if i could drive 45 mins then wait in emergency for hours (saturday night) i know damn well they'd just give me antibiotics too weak to do anything then send me on the 45 min drive home.. om gom gomgomg omg omg omg.. now it hurts to look at the screen .. ah gad.. i'll prolly be well enough to go to my tests next week after not having been well enough to study all weekend.. FML

the plague-she spreads

2009-08-01T17:19:00.003+10:00

i remember when i was studying costume years ago.. i had more than a passing fixation on the "plague wear" of the middle ages.. particularly the get-ups of travelling physicians (plague doctors). wearing some pretty hardcore protective gear was the only way people would trust you weren't importing disease from out of town into their homes.. even if plague was already inside their walls..
The creepy beak was stuffed with protective herbs and the wearer could only inhale air after it had passed through them via nostrils at the far end.
I say bring back the creepy beaks. they look heaps cooler than those gay ass medical masks that don't even fit your face.

In case you hadn't guessed i have the sickness. i'm pretty sure it's not the bubonic beast but it's the second time i've been sick in two months and it's pretty much the same thing. this is not normal. i'm a tad worried so i'm goin for a check up as soon as i'm well enough to fuckin be bothered.. it's a little far away and there is much waiting and the doctors are crap.. so they prolly won't pick up anything anyway..

god i hate medical centres where they make you wait for an hour, sit you down, don't have the time to properly examine you, precribe you the most generic blanket cure (weak antibiotics) then push you out the door as the next person's coming in.. i dunno. hardly seems worth the travel into town.

apparently there's a cool bunch of young women doctors out near my mum and they have a pathology nurse that actually comes to the clinic so you don't have to go elsewhere for a blood test.. but they're out in frakkin warburton which is about 3&1/2 hrs away.. still it may be worth it.. i dunno..

it's gotta be somewhere between an iron deficiency and ovarian cancer right? meh. i'll just have a historectomy. not like i need those bits anyway. plus then i'll be able to fit into my old jeans heh.. i've been worried for a while now. then again i've been terrified i had breast cancer before but it just turned out to be cysts.

i get terrified alot. i dunno why it's not like dying would be such a terrible thing.. i'm not particularly attached to this plane of existence but it's the months of pain beforehand that scare me. i suppose when you've nursed someone through the sufferring and seen the whole process up close; and just how little can be done; it's bound to play on your mind.

my nan died.. but my dad went through chemo and radio.. then it came back and he went through a second round.. and there's no guarantee he won't have to keep going through it again and again. cure my ass. quite frankly i think i'd rather fucking die.. throwing up and wasting away and feeding through a tube in your stomach is no life. nan had the right idea when she went "fuck that just gimme the morphine." but then again she was 83 and dad's in his early 60's..

who. fuckin. knows. it's hard to contemplate your own demise. well.. one that's not of your own doing. to be at the mercy of chance.. gets riskier and riskier with every passing year.

sigh

.

song of the household implements

2009-07-27T15:02:00.003+10:00

ok so leila sent me this program called 'audacity' so i could record some talking for her radio podcast thingy.. (will post link when she airs it) so i crapped on for half an hour or more then got curious..

and i discovered that if i recorded something.. i could convert it to MP3 and play it on windows media player and listen to it through headphones..

then hit record (in audacity) while singing a different part or playing along with an instrument..

then all i had to do was align the tracks so they all started at the same time and bingo.. an orchestra of me!

don't worry i'm not doing a whole fucking album or anything.. i was just exploring.. i've never recorded music before.. especially not instrumental shit.. i've only ever done two things at once (guitar + voice) but with this shit i can fucking do TEN!!!

so there i was.. i pulled out the old crusty bongos and recorded a minute and a half of highly incompetent pounding.. then as i listened to it in the headphones..

i played along on an old windchime that hangs in the hallway, then an old psaltery (medieval harp) that i had to tune with a screwdriver (!!!).. then i filled three bottles with different levels of water that i tuned to the psaltery track.. and i recorded one track for each bottle (note) blowing the notes in different rhythms..

then i sang a bass line.. then a.... uh.. middle bit... then i sang the high part with a few frills in it..

everything was done in one take.

it did not dawn on me til much later that i could have done one bit over and over til i got it perfect heh.. so each individual component is HIGHLY flawed but when they're all played ontop of each other they actually sound kinda cute!

as i said it's my first go at ANYTHING like this EVER so just listen to it as though you're at an impromptu hippy jam session.. where there are no second takes hehe..

the second one is me doing a celtic ballad acapella.. and i sang a high bit and a low bit over the top.. click on the links below to check them out!

the medievalish one

the celtic one

.

car thievery fail

2009-07-24T02:35:00.004+10:00

i can't fuckin believe how much less exhausting life is when you don't live in a cluttered shit dump.. and when you are warm.. it's so much easier to get out of bed when you're not blowing smoke rings with your breath in the bedroom.. it's so much easier to get motivated to bathe.. and cook..

yay.

and then.. i get to the train station from school last night and someone had tried to break into my car. many of you know the camira. it is a piece of shit.. let me tell you the story of the shittest car thief that ever was..

one day a completely incompetent fuckhead laid eyes on the crappiest car in ballarat and said to himself.. i think i'll risk jail time to ride in that.

FAIL

he then tried to bust into it by inserting something into the lock of the driver side door.

FAIL

(the driver side door lock has been fucked for years.. i have always had to unlock the passenger side, get in, lean over and unlock the driver side door from the inside) so then he decides to insert something into the passenger side lock. he gets in the driver's seat, trying to start the car by inserting something pissweak into the ignition.

FAIL

he becomes frustrated and tries to force it in with his foot, bending the steering column and indicator lever.. and still..

FAIL

he rifles through the glovebox, and coin tray and finds nothing..

FAIL

he leaves defeated by a 1986 camira with no suspension and one headlight.

FAIL

seriously.

EVEN I KNOW HOW TO BOOST A FUCKING CAMIRA.

anything pre 1990:

YOU WILL NEED..

coathanger

screwdriver (flat head)

rock (bout the size of a grapefruit)

METHOD..

1. insert coathanger hook between window and seal, jostle til caught, pull upward.

2. insert screwdriver into ignition

3. hit with rock

4. drive away

honestly; car thieves of today. it's just sheer incompetence. so now as i drive one elbow is straight and one elbow is bent as the wheel is tilted inward (bent steering column) and i dunno it's gonna come off while i'm doin 100 k/hr or what.

also my knuckles are always hitting the indicator lever as that's bent inwards as well.. almost enough to be stuck in the steering wheel..

and i can no longer push the button down to lock the front passenger side door. so i can no longer lock my car.

also i have to bash the key into the ignition with a hammer and it's stiff as a bitch to turn it to 'start'..

add no shock absorbers, one headlight, a melted pizza disaster going on in the fuse box, no demister, no heater, rotten seals that means there's always a puddle in the passenger side footwell, a failing alternator and the fact that since the attempted fuck-knob-robbery the engine has cut out while i've been driving around corners and i guess i'll have to admit that i'm looking for a replacement car.

the home is now liveable. it's time now to somehow wrangle a functional vehicle out of the world machine. if anyone knows of anybody selling a half decent car at a half decent price please let me know.

i can't be without a car out here.. especially in winter when it's so dark and cold and wet and hitch-hiking with groceries would be impossible. and it's only a matter of time before the old girl runs her last mile.. *is worried*

lapsing into order

2009-07-20T01:26:00.002+10:00

hey cunts!

finally my home is a home.

the batdust is all but gone..

no more tripping over tools or wood offcuts..

i'm so happy!

there's just so much space and *gasp* it's fuckin CLEAN!!!!!!

here is the time lapse video.. with bonus audio hehe..

only took me two fuckin weeks.. so glad it's finally over..

so i guess i should start thinking about bonfire dates cause i got heating and welcomliness and i really wanna cook for you all as i have been infected by masterchef..

check out how Pod pops in and out of existence during the clip.. hehe.. enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFxt8LESB9Q

.

home is where the dust is

2009-07-14T00:54:00.002+10:00

ok so two full trailer loads of rubbish, three op shop garbage bags, and FIVE empties of the vacuum cleaner later.. i keep thinking i'm nearly there and then i remember i gotta.. like mortar up half a wall or sort through ten boxes of crap before i can carry on.. it's been two weeks.. i'm pretty sure i have the black lung.. but end in sight..

i still got about five or six kitchen cupboards to chug through.. sorting and chucking and re-organising.. then the bathroom needs a good going over.. laundering all dusty fabric things that were on display (costumes, etc) then i gotta vacuum all the cobwebs off the ceiling and wall studs.. then i gotta re-wipe every horizontal surface and clean off the encrusted light fixtures and mop the floor and THEN i can turn on the split system.. after that.. i'm not doing anything but light housework for a fucking YEAR..

and i've done NO HOMEWORK so i'm going into methods blind tomorrow but what can i do.. i missed a class on the holidays for specialist too so she'll be talkin chinese to me thursday night.. i dunno.. i'm supposed to be in bed cos i gotta get up to make the trek in at the crack of why-the-fuck-am-i-awake.. but i've become totally nocturnal over the last two weeks.. goddammit!

i gotta shower yet.. wash a bucket of dust out of my hair.. dry it.. pack.. i have absolutley no motivation.. don't worry i'm not giving up i know i must just be in a bad place to think that.. and it will pass.. guh.. l feel like shitbag failure.

great bins of fire

2009-07-04T02:55:00.001+10:00

i will post an invite on twitter too but is anyone interested in a bonfire party? i'm thinking next weekend as i'll still be on holidays i know it's relatively short notice but seeing as it's the middle of winter i'm hoping most of you don't have next weekend figured out already.. the place is totally habitable.. i have heating!!! also my mum's caravan is still here so there are five beds. a single and double in caravan (easily heated by a a bar heater) and inside, double fold out couch..

i've got a lamb roast and pork ribs in the fridge and enough mince to do meatballs and lots of rhubarb for crumble.. so it will be a roasted meat and veggie fest..

plus the fire bin is hanging out to be set ablaze.. it told me.

please leave me a message somewhere if you're interested.. either here or on facebook or hotmail or one of those farkin things...

i just wanna know whether anybody's up for it..

cheeeeeeers doodies.

bed's-a-burning

2009-06-29T01:25:00.003+10:00

how can i sleep while my bed is burning?

indeed

today i had the electric blanket cranked up to the highest setting as i was sitting in bed fucking around on the net.. there were five blanket/doonah/coverlet thingies on the bed.. i had most of it scooched up behind me so i was leaning back on the blanky pile..

then there was this awful smell..

i heard tractors and a truck outside in the paddock next door so i thought it must have been some nasty exhaust or engine oil burning or some shit...

i kept buggerising around on the laptop..

then about five minutes later, i smelled it again.. but this time it was way too strong to be from ten metres away.. i got out of bed and turned around and there's the cat sitting on a pile of smoking doonahs, looking at me as if there was nothing wrong..

FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!

i unplugged everything, grabbed the laptop (fuck the cat!) and went downstairs to get some wet towels.. i thought of getting the hose but i was in my socks and i didn't wanna overreact and douse the fucker cause i had to sleep on the thing tonight..

fucked if i know what pile of shit the fire hydrant is under..

note to self; put hydrant in some memorable place..

i got a big steel bowl and put towels in it.. then i went back upstairs and shooed the cat away- and the fucker actually looked resentful... what is it with cats and their heat threshold?! they must be from HELL or something..

so i started peeling layers off expecting the whole thing to flame up as soon as it was exposed to air.. but hooray for fire retardant bedding!

the big glob of doonahs had a black smouldering core like some white dwarf and fuck! the SMELL! the electric blanket was made from wool so i dunno if you guys have ever smelled hair burning but it's of similar grossness..

i ripped off the smoking mess chucked it on the floor and plonked sopping wet towels all over the black bits..

then i found the crap that wasn't burning.. but singed.. and all melted together.. and stinking like hell.. it got through the wool of the lecky blanket, through the sheet, through a thick matress protector and melded to my mattress! one pillow and cover look like some botched bedding teleporter experiment i can't tell which bit is which.. and my doonah cover if fried.. and my sheet.. and protector..

dunno if i'll ever get the stench out of everything else.. guh

but atleast now i can justify getting some nice new bedding..

so.... YAY?!

jesus christ!

like totally

2009-06-21T21:38:00.002+10:00

okay i need free red bricks.. sigh.

so i've been looking for them.. they are around but you have to be insanely fast and ready to pick them up immediately, which i'm totally not as i still have one more week of school..

but if any of you clunge brains EVER want, like, ANYTHING free.. that's, you know, legal..

get into FREECYCLE.. there's melbourneozfreecycle and melbourne freecycle and there's a bunch of registration to be chugged through unless you're already insane enough to be into yahoo shite but..

well...

FREEEEE STUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFF!!!!

computer parts, baby things, old furniture, firewood, kitchen appliances, shit that would otherwise go to the tip and become landfill.. so it's actually a rather greeen thing to do..

but, like, i'm only getting into it as i am a colossal povmonger at the moment.. methinks another visit to the salvos is in order.. i'm so sick of canned soup!!!

but atleast i HAVE canned soup..

uhh.. this is ma last week of school for, like, totally, a whole FORTNIGHT!!!!

i will have the church cleaned up and ready after next sunday for anyone that wants a getaway or just a visit.. (next sunday cause my mum's up for the first weekend.. but that still leaves two weekends all you nine to fivers)...

there is a fire bin STUFFED full of combustibles just BEGGING to be encircled by some people with matches and possibly beer (i have coronas!)

i am thinking of organising some kind of colossal foodfest/working bee as i need help installing an attic ladder (it takes two people two hours) and i need some muscley maniness to help me move some heavy things.. and when i started typing this paragraph i'm sure there was a hundred thousand manly things that needed to be done but now i can't think of them and i wondered if any more than what i typed actually ever existed...

meh..

i'm just hanging for holidays..

anyway..

will keep people posted if i get my act together about a working/feeding bee...

pls feel free to just come up and hang out of the city for a few days if you just wanna chill out and not do anything, i'm totally into that hehe.. HOLIDAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYSS!!!!!! just lemme know when...

ps. dave could you torrent the aussie movie "look both ways" for me? it's for school.. and next time i'm down i will pass both seasons of the inbetweeners to your server cause everyone needs to see that shit.. fucking CACKTOWN... cheers for that leila and jo!

byeee y'all..

death knell

2009-05-27T16:45:00.002+10:00

yeah ok..

no-one's blogging anymore.. i admit it's fairly dead now for all you people in the city who can actually talk to the people around you..

i however will continue to blog as the phone is gay.

messenger is refusing to co-operate with my connection lately..

i'm still twittering a fair bit and a bit of facebook here and there but i find it a really annoying site that's hard to navigate around i dunno what the fuck's going on there and i'm unlikely to spend the needed hours exploring the possibilities ..

chanter i reckon your idea of a private social networking site rocks..

just make it simple so your computer retarded friends (prolly only me) can dig it?!

ciao blog quitters..

m

witness the sickness as i kick this

2009-05-22T15:00:00.001+10:00

firstly YAY chanter for donating his old mouse.. that thing is the SHIT!!! cheers mate...

secondly boo to flu..

sniffle..

i think i'm a bit over twitter so i'm back on here.. and i'm over broadcasting on youtube too.. i just don't think i'm that interesting.. i keep going to put a video on there and i go "but it will BOre everyone SHITless" so yeah i may just stick to the occasional blog..

i kissed fidel and reuben and fleur goodbye the other day and caught the flu but srsly.. how can i be the "crazy aunty" if i don't kiss them through their snot? it's my duty..

just had an "analysis task" for specialist.. i'm just over school at the moment and so are all my CAE bitches.. it's just becoming a slog and it's not like high school.. it's hard to get good marks in hard classes there when you get a little bit of each topic everyday

but CAE... man... squashing a whole weeks worth of one subject into 3 hours.. it's just impossible to retain it all.. it's too much at once.. no one is doing well.. not even the really smart, disciplined ones.. looming failure and disappointment with results is saturating everybody.. no matter how hard we all try.. how much we study.. how many practice exams we do at home.. it's just not enough..

vce is designed to make people get used to the modern working world.. it's designed to brainwash us all into thinking that we must endure a situation where our most momentous efforts yield no rewards but are still required.

ROW *lash*

ROW *lash*

ROW *lash*

well fuck.. it just seems hopeless.. the drop out rate just skyrocketed cause of an official deadline.. and many of my friends have just thrown in the towel. without any warning.. here one week.. never heard from again.. and here i am.. pushing on.. it wouldn't be so freaky but they just keep dropping all round me like flies.. and we that are left are struggling.. struggling to bear the responsibilities of adults.. while doing a course designed for those that are kept.. and doing it in concentrated format..

i'm really disillusioned.. disappointed.. i'd say i can't compete but no-one else is really getting better grades.. so i guess i can't compete.. with the system..

"oh don't worry" the teachers are all saying.. "everything gets scaled up in the end".. "you'll be right"... just get into uni for ANYTHING and you can transfer to what you specifically want to do when you're already in there..

why is the system like this?

so people feel like they're underachievers who don't deserve anything that's why. so people feel like they're lucky to get a degree and a boring laboratory job.. it's designed to make us feel lucky that we're total fucking slaves.

forever. day in day out. mindless. repeditive. under management. under.

UNDER.

WTF?!

nuh

not me

not again

if i have shit grades.. it's because the education system is ineffective. i am smart. i deserve to do what i want when i want and get paid for it and anyone who disagrees with me has bought into their own slavery.

i hope you're happy with it..

i think you deserve BETTER.. but if you think i deserve LESS than what i'm asking that's your perogative and we're just not going to agree on what we should expect from life...

oh i have some nerve don't i?

walking around thinking that i can escape the drudgery.. the drudgery that "we all have to bear" well who says? i've been a shitkicker all my life.. and i'm done

no more.

.

twit-ho

2009-05-02T18:53:00.002+10:00

ok this is a public warning for those about to join twitter... DON'T DO IT!!!!! i can't STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!! DAMN YOU CHANTER! my cat puked on the only piece of floor i walk on (caravan)... little fucker. now he's just jumped in the closet. if he wasn't so cute.... *shakes fist*

i am srsly turning into an internet whoooooooore.... both twitter id and youtube id are "hermitstargazer" so if yer reeeeeeeally bored check out more of my day to day shite...

i got NINETY fucking views of my first youtube post... WTF? it's totally farkin spooky but pretty cool at the same time... i got rated five stars yaaaaaaaaay!! in my second post i talk about how i murdered my chickens and i reckon some random vegan is going to blast me...

bring it on..

*goes off to be incredibly bored by CIRCUITRY for physics*

ciao

.

no chemistry

2009-04-30T21:12:00.003+10:00

i'm a wee bit drained. i studied long and hard for a chem test today. when i got there.. my utterly incompetent dyslexic fuck-up of a chem teacher had served us up a test with material that she told us was not going to be on it. it's an assessed task. then she gave us HALF AN HOUR to do it.

i raced through the multi choice section knowing even if i only got half of them right it would be ok as they're worth fuck all marks... then i got half way through the first question.. and she called to put our pens down. there were three more pages to go. some of the stuff on the test i didn't even RECOGNISE...

when the ENTIRE class protested she said in her bogan drawl "uh down't wurrie, s'onee werth foive pussent o yer end a yeer mahk"...

she then launched into telling us that we were going to start the next assessment task right away... we have had an assessed task EVERY week since the school year began, barring the first class, and it has been utterly harrowing as she teaches us NOTHING.

she marks right work wrong and wrong work right... mixes up formulas and nomenclature and procedural directions at an alarming rate... then when you do as you've been instructed she tells you youre wrong.. and when you tell her but that's what you told us to do and even SHOW HER YOUR DICTATED NOTES she denies having taught it. twice this has happened WHILE I WAS BEING ASSESSED!

seven out of the eight laboratory experiments we have done in class have been abandoned halfway through because she always forgets something or tells us to do the wrong fucking thing and it fucks the whole experiment and she just goes oh well.. you can read about what happens online or something.

and oh god she's so fucking PATRONISING!!!! I AM 33 FUCKING YEARS OLD... she speaks to everybody as if we're fucking naughty children and i just don't know how she can possibly think that is ok at an adult school...

so today after that BULLSHIT "test" she launched right into telling us about how we were starting the next assessment task and i calmly put my pen down. walked out of the room. caught the elevator to level three. approached reception. began to tell the nice lady i wanted to withdraw from chemistry and burst into tears halfway through my first sentence...

they gave me tissues and pats on the back...

i love chemistry.

i worked so hard last year learning it all alongside the physics and math and i want so much to continue to learn about the bits that we are all made of and how they jizz together...

but no-one in that class is going to get a decent result. and a shitty score is not going to cut it if i want to get into astrophysics. it's such a shame... all that ass-busting effort.

i understand there's a teacher shortage and they can't fire her... no matter how many people complain...

no i cannot take it elsewhere as it clashes with my other classes at every other campus i have come across... no i cannot do it by correspondance it's a practical science and i tried it once before and found it wasn't right for me. it's just... gone.

i'm really sad about it.

am i gonna let one apathetic, condescending, lazy fat bogan retard to fuck up my future?

NOT FUCKING LIKELY

i'll see if i can take it when i'm already AT uni as a foundation course i hear that's insano-hard but it CAN'T be worse than this shit. she's just so lazy. i think she bombards people with impossible tasks and frustration in order to get EVERYONE to leave so she gets paid just to turn up and chapperrone three students who all learn everything from their private tutors. just so she doesn't have to mark anything.. or give a single fuck about her students...

man i'm angry.

on the bright side i have more time to dedicate to my other classes but

fuck.

jibbed.

.

youtwitter

2009-04-29T17:17:00.002+10:00

k so boring template is SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT... i can't add gadgets and everytime i want to change or add something i have to deal with fuckin HTML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh god i suck at computers... but i'm on twitter now and i've figured out how to work the webcam so i'm on youtube now... i am hermitstargazer and i did my virgin post a few days ago so check it out if you're really bored and don't have anything that's actually interesting to do... actually i'm about to post another video i made with my one-armed mother last night.. we were fuckin round with the mirror function on webcam and it looked like she had two arms again... my brain went into a tailspin... it was all... SHE HAS TWO ARMS!!! BUT THAT"S IMPOSSSSSSSSSSIBLE!!!!!!!!! NNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG *has parallel probability crossover brain shart*

2009-04-27T13:12:00.001+10:00

OK

am back to mega boring generic template...

NOW COMMENT YOU CUNTS!!!!

sides hurty from laughy

2009-04-27T01:42:00.003+10:00

jesus christ!!!!! laughing this hard is painful...
god bless you buddy christ.

go go gadget freakout

2009-04-27T01:10:00.002+10:00

oooooh

just remembered this cool as hell thing that leila and jo accosted me with when i was BAKED as after cheech and chong... it's this computer programmy thingy and you put on head phones and it turns ANY background noise - people talking, banging things about, traffic etc into MUSIC!!!! it is by far THE WEIRDEST AND COOLEST THING I HAVE EXPERIENCED IN AGES try it! try it! try it! i'm pretty sure it would even be totally awesome if you were completely straight!!! actually it made me want to run away with it and sit in a corner and just play for the rest of the night so i had to take the headphones off before i went on a one way obsesso-trip to antisocial la-la land... i mean, you know... way more than usual

do it do it DO IT!!!!!

doppleganger

2009-04-25T15:17:00.002+10:00

what's in a name?

AN UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE...

http://www.explosm.net/comics/1626/

hello?

2009-04-25T00:27:00.003+10:00

ok i've changed the layout

AGAIN

now if you would all please try and comment so i can see if it's decided to work again it would be much appreciated...

comment you fucks!

days of the dead

2009-04-22T23:48:00.003+10:00

no rly.

i'm so OVER dust.

i keep getting this godawful rash thing from the latex mouth-cup of the respirator holocaust dust mask thingy so today i worked without it. upstairs where the batshit has been removed but there is still a WORLD of plaster and mortar dust... so i'm patching the place up and more plaster is fallin off and i'm patchin it up and more is falling off. you get the pic. i have run out of wall goo. of every description. must purchase more. cept have morn and nite classes tomoz so i'll be stayin in at nerd central so i can return to ballarat during store hours.

seeing as i'll be in the city til 9 doing loony-math i bade the nerds come and drink with me at the nearest tavern afterwards...

and one of them be on leave ar HAR!!!!!!!!

i sense a silliness descending

what....

THEfuck?!?!?!

why am i so sociable lately? i think i must be all self esteemy cause i'm doing some hardcore shite and feel as if i'm a worthwhile hooman or something. maybe it's just the excercise giving me a bit o mental health. dunno but is ok. going out with mates is the shit.

recently a friend had the 3-yr-to-the-day occasion for the day her mum died. it was all very family and she said it left her mega emotionally drained. i sorta wanted to ask her questions but.... well..... emotionally drained!!! but i guess this is a general query thingy cause it just got me thinkin... do any of you cunts celebrate the dead? if so... how?

i'm PATHETIC with dates... if it wasn't for all the advertising i'd fuckin forget xmas. so i always forgot my nan's birthday and now i always forget her birthday AND her deathday. NNNNNG *tries to remember the date now* ah yes...

late morning, november 8th 2004 was when she last exhaled and i washed her body and put coins on her eyes...

then the funeral dudes took her away and later they GAVE ME THE CHANGE! wtf?

it was such a relief she was free after all that being-bedridden nonsense. she was such an active independant old bird. it must have sucked having me, or anyone, look after her... not like she was overly proud but there is a loss of dignity that comes with being cared for... especially if you are the type that has always cared for others, which she was. fuckin oath she was.

i wrote her a poem once about how she used to always be raking the her massive yard. and that i was like a pile of leaves that would again and again get blown all over the place and dispersed and mess the joint up after all her hard work but she would just patiently gather all my bits up again and put them back together into a neat little pile and stand-by for the next drug addled tornado police sex romp disaster.

it was very emo.

god... eeesh.... POEM?

it's often said that grandparents and grandchildren speak a secret language... i dunno bout the others cause both grandpas died before i popped out and the other granny lives OS. but me aussie nanna was the only person that put up with me.. never gave up on me even at my worst.. i'd come visit her all hungry and stoned and unwashed and fragile and strung out and she would INSIST that i was loved and worthy of existing... no matter how bad i was. and man.

was i bad.

she used to always take me to an arthouse film at the nova or the kino every wednesday and i'm sure we must have looked like an otherworldly odd couple with my mohawks and facial piercings and over-the-top-goth-punk-shit and her clean-cutski pensioner polyester frockage. she was very good at not giving a fuck about what you looked like on the outside...

i know she was a bit disappointed i wasn't showing off my nubile youthfulness and being pretty. what can i say? at 15 i was tired of getting hassled by the opposite sex, i mean: long blonde hair/athletic build/C-cups/virgin-i attracted so much sexual attention it made me wanna wear a fuckin sack...

so i made myself incredibly ugly and obnoxious and for the most part males would stare but stopped constantly trying to have sex with me... totally worked. cept then i was ugly and obnoxious for real. i've ditched the goth shit but the get-fucked persona still lingers. it's like ma default setting hehe.

i think about her sometimes... particularly when i have done something incredibly stupid or something accidental has comically hurt me... like a bucket fallin on my head... i hear her laughing at me...

heh.

bitch.

yeah you heard me you crazy ol lady... ok so i talk to her alot too. but then again i have pretend conversations with heaps of the living... and also thin air... the cat... plants... stars... yadda yadda...

she used to always tell me "one day after i've kicked the bloody bucket you'll hear my voice comin in from outer space goin 'MARA PUT SOMETHING ON YER FEET'"

or "one day after i've fallen off the bloody twig you'll hear my voice comin from outer space and it'll be me, floatin on a cloud with louis armstrong singin 'what a wonderful world' and shoutin 'MARA HANG YER BLOODY CLOTHES UP'"

and you know what? I FUCKEN DO!!! i half ignore the clothes hanging thing but she totally conditioned me to wear slippers from beyond the fuckin grave. god i loved her...

squee.

whenever i think of her it is with warmth and reverence... and humourous irritation. but it's never on a particular day...

how does that work? i guess it's more a ritual for the living that are left behind... that's something i don't get cause me and my family don't do real emotion. we're not into sharing our real feelings...

well i like to, but my mum's weird and awkward and my brother and dad are fucking mental time bomb psycho nut-jobs who'd rather top themselves or torture the people around them rather than admit vulnerability, so i'm usually bailing up some mate or other- to spew emotional crap all over them or... uhhh

BLOGGING?!?!?!?!?

aaaaaaaanyway... yeah... how do you celebrate your dead?

i do it solo... usually laughing at some spontaneous rememberance of her being a tool.

and i feel her whenever my bare feet get cold.

or i look at clothes on the floor. or there's lint on my jacket. or my shoes need a polish. or my sock has a hole. or i use her old recipes. or ancient cookware... teapot... mixing bowl...

or i smell rotgut brandy.

or i hear louis armstrong.

or there's a SHITLOAD of leaves in my yard.

man... she's all around me fuckin everywhere!

and i'm sure Ibu is too...

ms. Manis... your daughter's company is a joy.

well done lady!

poll results

2009-04-21T06:35:00.002+10:00

due to post-a-comment malfunction, i am going on poll results submitted via SMS, which are as follows... WAG:3 votes, NOT TO WAG:0 votes... so hence waggage. tis early morn as i awoke with lots of school based intentions but checked my phone and was told that leila and mr and mrs wink all thought that i should be truant.

k.

i flipped a coin too. cept it was real dark at 5.30 am and i was still bleary eyed so i flipped it and it fell on the covers.. heads=stay...

then i was like no that's not cricket and i flipped it and caught it and it was tails=go

then i was like no that's one a piece now... next flip is the charm...

TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAILSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

thing is with all that flippin and catchin i'm fuckin AWAKE NOW since the alarm went off at 5.30. i'm kinda ready to go too but damn it's COLD and DARK so i'm waitin a bit before i brave the outside to run into the church for clothes and food...

oh and yay the frosts are here to make mornings ever the more enjoyable GODDAMMIT BRING BACK THE SUMMER!!!!!! i don't CARE how many bushfires!!!

so glad the degenerate potheads put forth their opinions.

totally legit school cut.

I FEEL SO FUCKING BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!

man.

ah well i'm going in on thursday for the chem excursion and specialist math and i won't have to stay in the city as it's all in one day so thanks chanty-pants but i shall not be needing your spare room this week... next week though!

i am heartily endeavouring to make the church habitable by wed night.

if it's not done by then fuck it i'm moving.

to the town of lesser butfuck, idaho.

i hear they have very little guano there.

.

comments? questions?

2009-04-21T00:28:00.002+10:00

well fuck my ass!

i thought no one at all (bar possibly jen and chanter) was reading all this psychobabble i have been ejculating but it turns out there are a few of you (clearly more people have less of a life than i thought..) but you can't lemme know how hilarious/boring/obnoxious or right/wrong i am cause the comments feature does nae work.

ass crackers.

i have no idea how to remedy this situation.

actually i would sacrifice ma new sweet as death template to get your comments. they are like crack. it's amazingly re-assuring to know that i'm not just going BLAH BLAH BLAH into the fucking void when i'm blogging like i do when i'm in my livingroom and my kitchen and my garden etc etc etc. sometimes i think the plants can hear me but the poor bastards prolly just wanna be left in peace. chickens can only hear me as food. i am one pink pixel in their four pixel life-screen.. and that's only when i have grain, water or kitchen scraps. the others are green for grass, yellow for hay and grainy for bugs. and that's all. aliens could land infront of them and emerge festooned in tutus and strap on cocks, screaming hallelujah and chooks would just ignore them unless their ship looked like a big corn kernel- fuck they are so mindbogglingly simple.

oh this just in. still in caravan. caravan has no cat door. i have been ignoring pod at night as the bed's not big enough for us both and he won't leave me to sleep in peace with the whole "lemme the fuck out""now lemme the fuck in" shennanigans... so he has found a way to get my attention through the vinyl of the pop-top section...

he climbs the nearby oak tree.

he then flings himself to the roof of the very wobbly caravan which makes a very loud noise and rocks the van like a hammock.

he then maows and maows and maows

and MAOWS

and if i don't talk to him while i'm trying to sleep, he just starts scratching at the vinyl roof madly, tearin it up with his claws, til i scream and open the door and throw my slippers at him.

or hug him.

depends how cold it is.

anyway it's nice to know there's people out there, chuggin through my daily crap.

will remedy the comment thing soon.

ciao

to wag or not to wag

2009-04-20T01:41:00.002+10:00

that is the farkin question.

i'm tired and i haven't partied like that for a while and i'm still up to my neck in batshit and couriers are coming and i just want another week of holidays... so i'm takin an online poll...

SHOULD I WAG SCHOOL THIS WEEK?

i would miss out on a chemistry excursion and it means i'd be doing two tests straight up if i went back next week instead of this tuesday...

sigh. but i'd get the place ship shape. dunno how much homework would get done..

i haven't missed a single day this year yet.

tell me what to doooooooooooooooo!!!!

paperwork

2009-04-15T16:38:00.002+10:00

i'm over it.

i finished laying down the paper last night... then i lined the joint with greenhouse plastic to catch the rain of batship dripping from the rafters 24/7 cause i can't put the insulation down til i wire the joint up and i'm waiting for the wire to arrive as i bought it on ebay and it is being shipped from farking brisbane...

*tap tap tap*

waiting waiting..

in my mum's crappy little caravan...

note to self... next time there's a windstorm and i am in a caravan trying to sleep... go outside and sleep standing on my head... it would be more successful... no shit i feel like a pirate of the high seas the way i've been flung around the cabin all night.

i bought a fold down attic ladder... takes two people to install it though... if anyone wants to come up in the next few weeks i will have the place cleaned up by then... and we can have a nice hobo bin fire (not that we'll need to as the split system will keep us toasty warm) and i will cook nice food.

actually i should be inside vacuuming everything i own and dusting off every little nook and cranny at the moment but i'm not. it's cold and i'm miserable and sore . i can't be fucked getting up on a ladder to vacuum down all the walls and architraves with hay and cobwebs crusted in bat-turds dripping from them. crawling all over the altar at scary height with a dusing mit and vacuum nozzle just doesn't appeal to me at the mo. i'm on fuckin strike.

i can't be fucked plugging up the access hole to the attic and oh my god there's so much to do i haven't studied one single bit and school goes back next tuesday.

ANNNNNNNNNXIETY........

i'm sure almost inevitable pot consumption this friday will NOT help.

the pot luck at chateau geek the following night may take the razor edge off ma nerves though.

my thighs keep going to sleep! i've been squatting across joists all week and my hip area has gone all weird... it's EVIL!!! i can feel hot and cold but i can't feel pressure!!! it's just odd.

and prolly a brain tumour or something

sigh...

shiver..

sob...

gifts for geeks

2009-04-13T11:23:00.011+10:00

can you say NERRRRRRRRRRRRRD?

is it a ufo? is it a juicer? will we ever know? the juice is out there.

would you like a little transcendental number in your drink?

now you can identify all the chemicals present in the town water you are bathing in... periodic table shower curtain... why the garish colors?

when you have no non CGI friends, these guys will see you through

now you can make inanimate objects into friends with stickers... oooooh i think you're hot mr cup ooooh ms stapler you are a saucy stationary appliance...

DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE BECOME?!?!?! OH GOD I AM SO BORED!!!!!!!!

pic purge

2009-04-12T00:05:00.005+10:00

ok i need to get this out there so i can delete it from my inbox because it's been there for AGES and i just can't let it go... leila sent it to me... it's haunting... ok the girl is awesome... but it's the HORSE in the PIT in the background that just makes me go... um... WTF?

oh and then there's this guy... i couldn't even see any of the geeks from balwyn gettin this scary... well maybe rhys...

W
T
F
?

dust bunny

2009-04-08T22:18:00.002+10:00

bloody hell. the insulation paper is half down... that blue/silver shite... haven't even started the bat installation yet... i almost had a mental breakdown today. there's a reason i haven't started the roof escapade until now... i knew if i started it i'd be trapped doing it for weeks. and lo! i spake the truth. mum ended up leaving her caravan here so i had somewhere to sleep that wasn't knee deep in batshit and dust. everything's covered with sheets and the stuff that isn't.. man.. it's gonna take DAYS to clean that crap off everything.. and that's AFTER the bats are installed.

i go up there this morning to finish off the last bits of shit shovelling and sweeping and vacuuming and there's ACTUAL BATS up there... thing is they kinda throw their little batty voices (fucking sonar!!!) so you can't tell where the frak they're coming from... i'm holding a clip-on lamp and balancing/staggering on dodgy rafters swinging around and around looking upwards, trying to find where the highly annoyed turn-off-the-light-IT-BURRRRRRNS screeching is coming from and i finally found them clawing along some top rafters amongst the cedar shingles with their creepy little hooked wings like they were people dying of thirst, grasping along the desert floor toward water. if said people were really really ugly. and tiny. and nocturnal. so i had to vacuum up a whole new bunch of bat droppings after i had just cleaned it all up... so i left the place BLAZING with clip-on lamps tonight... like to see em feel at home in THAT!

aaaanyway so i've been up in that frakkin roof for what seems like an eternity and all last night i was waking up AGAIN AND AGAIN with a fright cause i kept dreaming i had missed a rafter and fallen through the dodgy ceiling boards.

in startling WTF news... it turns out cats can climb steeply positioned ladders with freakish ease.... then walk all over dodgy, creaking ceiling boards that you yourself would fall through... as they groan under the weight... and rain rotting wood chippage on the furniture below.. (trust me the cat doesn't and won't give a fuck until he is suddenly falling through the air)... cats can also meow incessantly, trapped in your roof cavity, unable to back down a steeply positioned ladder... then when they realise their human will not be playing "fetch the cat from the attic" all week... it is surprisingly capable of launching a kamikaze style frontwards crash-down somersault approach to descending from on high... it goes a little something like this...

MAAAAAAAAAOOOOOW?

MAAAAAAAOOOW!!!!

MAOOWWWWW!?!?!?!?!?!

............

silence...

SCRAPE SCRAPE FRANTIC SCRABBLE THUD BANG BANG BANG WHOP!

FUCKING.

HILARIOUS.

those bats, if they survive, will regret the day they ever called my attic home.

if they can ever get access to it again.. i'm going to wire it up from the inside like a big cage they can't get into... which will take ANOTHER day before the insulation bats go in... looks like this caravan will be home for a while... lucky i'm comfortable with being white trash eh?

batshit in the bellfry

2009-04-07T21:19:00.002+10:00

ok it's officially official. bats are crap. actually bats are awesome it's bat crap that is crap. i have spent the last two days scraping and scooping and sweeping and vacuuming batshit out of the church roof so i can lay down insulation... well.... bats. it's bat-a-palooza up there. i have filled approximately twenty shopping bags. it's like fucking Naru here.

'parently is good for garden. but no good to inhale. due to some freak ass creature of satan bacteria thingy, inhaling batdust can actually put you in hospital. so i have been wearing a holocaust mask.. the kind with dual round filters... it hums and vibrates when i inhale and makes a soft thud noise so i feel like ripley in aliens with one of those tracking devices... thud... thud... closer... thud... is it a huntsman??!?! thudthudthudthudthud. it's right ONTOP OF ME!!!!!!! THUDTHUDTHUDTHUD AH EEEEE!!!!! .....MY ABDOMEN!!!!!!

you would be amazed at the amount of skeletons i found amongst the batshit. it's like a little graveyard up there... skeletal birds and mice and bats and bits of eggshell and huntsman eggsacks and redback eggsacks (!!!!) (don't worry they were REAL old.)

Then there was this colossal rats nest (it was about a hundred years old) i reckon those fuckers trucked a whole bale of hay up there in their time. i'm surprised they didn't master agriculture and animal husbandry and build ziggurats... it's like the fertile crescent in that roof cavity.

split system has landed. 'cept i can't use it on account of all the batdust that fell through the dodgy ancient ceiling boards. it's coated everything in airborne toxic waste. can't actually do ANYTHING in there until i've finalised roof dust management and moved down to living-space dust management... so at the moment i'm sitting in my mum's caravan kidding myself i'm goin to get some sleep on this fold down table contraption thing while she snores in her luxurious DOUBLE fold down contraption thing.

livingroom currently full of R4 (highest thermal rating) ceiling bat packets. so when i put them up there tomorrow i will be providing plague proportion rodents from a radius of approximately one kilometre with building materials for their nests... they excavate holes in between the foundation stones and get in under the floor and up into the walls up to the roof.

so when i install battage on the morrow, i will also install complimentary snack trays of ratsack. fuck it... if pod eats a rat that has eaten ratsack and has somehow made it down from the roof, through the walls and out into the open, he's just going to die. his number will be up. fuck him. i have a stash of tasty chicken necks for him and i'm going to keep him insanely well fed so that his urge to devour rodents is markedly reduced... mind you it's pretty lax most of the time so there's prolly minisculae danger... useless cunt.

speaking of soft dead things-here is something awesome:

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/ac4a/?cpg=ab

imbalance of wrong

2009-04-05T23:15:00.003+10:00

k so check the awesomeness of ma new template... this blog is having ever-lesser shit to do with wrecking a church in the middle of nowhere... but rest assured... i'm still wrecking ma church.. split system goes in tomorrow-betcha bottom dollar that tomorrow-come what maaaaaaaaaaaay...

TOMORROW!

TOMORROW!

IT GOES IN!

TOMORROW!

HEAT'S ONLY A DAY AWAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!

actually this new blog scene is just so awesome i just simply must balance it out with a whole bunch of UNAWESOME....

enjoy...

this is your life

2009-04-05T20:35:00.005+10:00

why does everyone that follows the beaten sheep track look sidelong at me disdainfully like i'm some crazy ass threat when i go to hack and slash my own way through the chaos of this woodland universe? the older generation are the worst. (my neighbours are the latest to jump on the "let's bash mara's lifestyle choice" bandwagon. apparently i'm a time-wasting, tax-payer's money squandering loser.)

if it wasn't for people like me there would BE no beaten sheep track for them to follow. they would just pile up like humans coming out of a toothpaste tube, squashing each other all starving to death and still pushing out more babies and defecating all over each other and dying all over each other and eating each other to survive because there would be no one to carve out that first path in the beginning. i have a place in this world DAMN YOU! unfortunately the title stipulates this place comes along with a lifetime of criticism for doing the hard mental yakka that keeps us evolving as a race, instead of just shooting children out of my vagina and living life on default.

i'm beginning to see people like chickens. you hand them a bowl of clean water and they shit in it and you give them a throw of grain and they walk all over it and scratch it into the dirt and wonder where it went when they go to peck for it. then they flap in your face. god forbid if you make them an origami statue of a microbe, they may try to scratch your eyes out in worried confusion.

if i fall on my ass and give up there will be every person i've ever come into contact with (bar a few-you know who you are!) in some form or another looking down at me crying in a puddle of my own filth and they will say "see... you're fucked now and we are satisfied that we are right in telling you that you made the wrong decision when you decided not to use the existence wizard doled out to you by society."

and if i succeed, i will be one of "those" people for which there is no formulaic explanation for but of whom there are quite a few (and needs to be more... JOIN USSSSSSS!!!!!)... and we all know... if there's enough people behind a way of existing then it must be acceptable even if BUGOCK we don't get it but still... they're weird let's lynch them if we're ever given a chance in the name of community solidarity... those people that want to think outside the box think they're better than us... GET THEM! bugaaaaaawk!!!! beat them down until they know that THIS is how you are supposed to live:

NO ONE SHALL ENDEAVOUR TO DEVIATE FROM THE MEAN.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE:

you will be unsufferably lonely until you find a companion to bear witness to your futile existence.

you will get a job.

any job.

all work is awful.

there is no career satisfaction.

you just have to work.

you will fall in love.

this will be your only relief.

this love will lead you to reproduce.

you will pay your taxes and eat three meals a day.

you will cast your vote and be under the assumption that it has some sort of relevance and that you are therefore responsible for whatever the government decides to do.

you will be so busy working and being a parent that the broader picture as far as your species in its entirety is concerned-will be of no interest to you beyond recycling your tin cans, growing some vegetables and possibly driving a hybrid.

when you can no longer work you will suck on the public tit until you die.

you will not argue unless instructed to by propaganda or a hormonal imbalance.

you will not question unless prompted.

and above all you will not actively search for an alternative to this life.

this life will give you what you want.

what you want is security and comfort.

this life contains all the meaning you will ever need.

living this life gives you licence to persecute anyone who does not also live this life.

for if you do not live this life you are clearly an enemy of the people.

if you do not live this life you are in opposition to everything held dear by everyone else in the entire world.....

and ohhhhhhhhhhhh we will punish you.

we will scorn and reject you, ostracise you and disapprove of everything you do and only when (and if) your spirit sucuumbs to the unyielding torture, when you have become a bitter, cold, damaged, banished outcast, will we use you as an example with which to scare our children into living the same routine of prescribed drudgery.

does this sound fucking familiar to anyone?

ANYONE?

is it just me?

am i really that alone?

it's statistically impossible!

ISN'T IT?!?!?!?!?!

HELLO?

ELLO?

LLO?

LO?

O?

?

so sob we all

2009-03-30T00:10:00.003+11:00

Dooooo hoooooood! i just had to waste some time... as i'm having severe withdrawals after seeing the last ep of Battlestar like-crack-tica... wahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so i decided to look for nerd related goods and i found some fuckin DOOZIES...

1. chewbacca usb sticks... actually pick a star wars character... they even had Fett

2. the light saber UMBRELLA... want!

3. the R2-D2 pedal TRASH CAN

4. space invaders wall decals with squiggly missiles and shields and shit

5. space invaders (pixellated with cross-grain wood) CHOPPING BOARD

6. a fucking TOAST PRINTER... to toast space invader icons (among others onto your bread)

7. a WICKED white hoodie that had the STORMTROOPER uniform printed on it in life size

8. an evolution of man figurine set (you know ape to man walking across your desk)

9. a periodic table of condiments (i.e. "My" mayonaisse M=32.5g)

10. a "pimp my cubicle" set that included a huge dollar-sign-set-in-resin paper weight, gold drawing pins, leopard print fringe to go round the cubicle walls, a disco ball and a mouse pad printed with diamantes that spelled "PIMP"

11. a space invader ICE CUBE TRAY

12. a han solo frozen in carbonite ICE CUBE TRAY

13. a coffee mug that simply said, in a techy font, : FRAK

sob...

i miss them so bad!!!!!

starbuck? STARBUCK!?!?!! COME BAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAACK!!!!

nasal hellfire

2009-03-22T23:41:00.002+11:00

ew ew EEEEEEEEEEW!!!! i'm in the middle of end of term s.a.c. madness and i worked all day at the vineyard last week in the rain and caught chillsies and now my head is full of inflamed snot exuding nastiness and i'm running outta laptop battery and the plug's just too far away but here!!! this one's for jen...

see more Lol Celebs

sackfest

2009-03-13T21:15:00.002+11:00

k so i'm like OMFG OMFG OMFG i have a s.a.c. (school assessed coursework) for each of my five classes next week! i was all psyched up to finally start studying seriously for the year and then the physics teacher goes we are doing the sac over two weeks now-mega stress reduction...

Then my highly incompetent chem teacher basically told us we had already sorta kinda done it.

Then i was surprised to find myself doing it a week early in english last wednesday.

Then pure math got cancelled cause of a fire in the building (more on that later) so we couldn't cover all the stuff to be on the sac so the teacher pushed it forward a week.

so that leaves normal math. which is totally doable... but it's not really enough pressure to get me to study... dammit i was all prepped to be study-bot and now i'm just thinking-bout-maybe-one-day-gettin-round-to-bein-study-bot.

anyway we were doing inverse composite functions and we hear the fire bell downstairs and we're like... it's probably nothing...

then with the full scale GET THE FUCK OUT THE BUILDING IS COMING DOWN sound armageddon... man that shit is loud!! i had to hurf my huge wheelie bag packed full o text books down four flights of stairs in a hurry as we couldn't use the lifts. The whole of degraves street is packed with people looking up and looking at each other and shrugging their shoulders. no smoke no flames. so our maths class is assembled in an alley doorway and we're all WTF and then the random asian guy is missing so i go off to look for him in the crowd and as i pass the foyer i see it's TOTALLY FLOODED and there's firemen going everywhere with all their whizz-bang junk and there's trucks and flashing red and blue lights and it's all very dramatic and everyone's a bit deaf from the alarm and then we find out the sprinkler system went off accidentally on level two and completely flooded everything down to the ground level... so i go tell teacher and she goes: "AGAIN?!"
by the time i got fed up and made for an earlier train home, degraves street was a puddle.
least we know sprinkler system works i guess...
fuckin great timing
inverse composite functions are really tedious

wear your fuhunkee fuhunkee eye-patch

2009-03-09T14:18:00.002+11:00

so this is how pracrastinatory i have become.. hmmmm specialist math homework? or customising blog?

... not much of a competition.

gardened yesterday.. fertilised all my fruit trees with my bullshit... feel better... got strawberries and raspberries under control... made dinner using only stuff i had grown.. roasted jerusalem artichokes, zuchinni, cherry tomatoes, onion, potatoes, with heaps of herbs. didn't make the olive oil or the salt though. next year the olive tree will bear fruit. i'll have to trade if i want salt.

oooh and the guttering is back up so that means it's prolly not gonna rain for like a year now... but it's up! there i was carrying a 6 metre stretch of 9cm wide pvc pipe up 4 metres in the air and what happened? a very large, very long, very powerful gust of wind. so i've got this pipe horizontally pinned between my thighs and the ladder and i'm clinging on for grim death thinking hmmm i gotta prepare to break the bit i land on so i'll aim for ma head... it's the thing i use least heh.. but here i am..

man you'd be surprised how much momentum a long pipe like that can hang onto once it's goin..
i had to swing it the right way round before i got on the ladder and it just wanted to keep turning me around like a dervish. must 've looked pretty funny...

damn you inertia!

may the "m x a" be with you...

god how nerdy is THAT?!?!

remember: resistance is never futile...

it's voltage divided by current...

but wait! i have more...

you think i'll suffer everlasting hellfire? your belief system is thermodynamically unsound.

AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chemists have all the solutions

AHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank god for evolution

heh.

the millstone

2009-03-08T12:12:00.002+11:00

less than two weeks ago i felt incredibly happy. aware. like i had something to contribute. like people liked me. like i had heaps of friends. like i was lucky. like my life was going in the right direction. and those of you who know me well are aware that this kind of satisfaction with life is nothing but the precursor to a dive... i never know whether i am alone in this type of wave like motion.. it's like my mood is some circular function..

proceding upwards...

plateau..

proceeding downwards...

plateau..

repeat at intervals that are just a bit too long for the pattern to be detected and therefore accurately mapped...

or just really make it interesting by flipping magnetically to the inverse of the function so that the times when you expect to feel at balance in the middle between sad and happy-- actually become asymptotes.. points in space that don't exist- as they have no value- where you can just go off the deep end forever falling toward infinity and never quite getting anywhere... your path never quite becoming straight - the gradient never constant.. forever askew like some maddening unplumb line in an H.P.Lovecraft novelette...

anyway the mice here are reaching plague proportions in the walls and they keep me up all night tearing, tearing, tearing little strips off the old newspaper insulation in the walls to make their nests. hidden away from pods sharp claws. i hear them squeaking and scraching all day and all night.

sometimes i take a shoe and bash the walls and shout at them and they stay silent for a minute or two but then they realise i can't get in so they just carry on. the good thing is it motivates me to keep the kitchen spotless as i don't want to give them one scrap of food. so they eat my tomatoes off the plants. and pod's chicken pellets. and the wood panelling. shit all over my benches and chopping boards so i can't do any cooking without wiping everything down with hot soapy water first.

so i'm going to poison them all.

it'll be expensive and very very dangerous for pod but i've had enough. my favourite brand of mass murder is called "talon" bait blocks. they are blue waxy squares that you can throw behind cupboards or under floorboards or even nail to a wall. they contain an insanely powerful anticoagulant... i used it when i first moved in here.. i used to accidentally stand on the mice that had eaten it and lay dying.. for some reason they head for wide open space when this shit kicks in.. which is bad because if they stagger out into the open pod will most likely eat them which in turn will kill him...

it looks like a fuckin nasty way to go... i have watched several victims. as i understand it the anticoagulant messes with all the molecular bonds in the blood.. it gets thinner and thinner until it actually starts leaking through membranes and organs and veins and eventually dribbles out of the pores. death by haemmorhage. afterwards the little corpses look as if they have punctured but they actually have no wounds.. they just bleed from everywhere.. especially their hands, feet and faces...

so as you can imagine.. i don't really want that happening to pod. but the time for mouse traps and glue trays is long gone. i'm not even making a dint in the population. it's that damn hay shed next door. they just won't stop coming and now it's getting colder it will be worse. so short of nuking the place i can't come up with any other type of attack that will get rid of them.

so yeah at the moment i'm pretty sure i'm a total pain in the ass to everybody, that i am somehow worse than you, less valuable... someone to be avoided... a user... a loser... someone people like you, who are clearly better than me, have to put up with. which is utter bollocks but the id doesn't hear logic. it just feels.

every second word will be "sorry" soon... as i shuffle through life ashamed, like my personality is something to apologise for.. and if you jump on board my psychosis god help you... if you for one second believe that you ARE better than me somehow... that i AM unworthwhile... that i AM some kind of loser or user; a lesser person... i will drag you down with me and drown you in my sea of shit and you will fucking deserve it.

don't believe the hype.

don't let me convince you i am anything less (or more) than your equal.

ever.

.

the mother of inflammation

2009-03-02T10:52:00.004+11:00

how long does a bushfire wanna burn?

i mean... srsly...i'm beginning to get attached. I call it 'stockholm-on-fire' syndrome. "my fire" has burnt out over 2,000 ha and is attended by over 100 trucks, driven by my neighbours and some dudes from canberra among others. Its name is "fire number 54" but i chose to call him "the toker" on account of him consuming so many pot crops. The livelihood of many, many inbred hippies has been destroyed........

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

somehow i doubt you'll be hearing about that on the evening news.

i can laugh because the toker is largely a pacifist. He hasn't killed anybody. He was going to.. but then he got high. I was working yesterday down at the organic vineyard surrounded by young, topless, rippling, friendly WOOFFers (working on organic farms for food) from japan to germany... hunting for bunches of green grapes the size of horse heads amongst the picturesque foliage, chatting to the hilarious old timer, getting paid and fed and... just.. yay. At the end of the day when the owners opened the cellar door and tried in earnest to get us to taste EVERY SINGLE ORGANIC WINE THEY HAD EVER MADE.. they told us the firefighters from canberra, that were camped up the road at a big B & B complex were coming down monday night to get sozzed as they were expecting mayhem with soaring temperatures and gale force winds and spot fires and yadda yadda yadda... they'd wanna get pissed after it was all over.. until a few days ago i was under the assumption that this fire was out. ha! people are still being trucked down from canberra to keep it under control.

oooooooooh i just got off the phone with my mother and she's been evacuated AGAIN. lucky for her she has a caravan and doesn't have to trek all the way out here again.. where she has been for the last week.. no shit she just went home on sunday.. now she's being shooed back out again.. fuck that i'm not leavin til i see the toker smokin my shrubbery... i think everybody is being evacuated willy nilly so that if anything like kinglake happens again the government will have covered its ass. i understand it has to seem like it cares.. .like.. to a ridiculous degree... but i reckon the worst is way WAAAAAAAAAAAy over. kinglake was a freak tragedy. it's not like there's going to be a 48 degree day with gale force winds again anytime soon.

It's fucking autumn.

stop scaring people.

there is no point in being overprotective of the people AFTER the peak of danger.. but it'll prolly stand you in good stead for your next political campaign... meanwhile folks are just fucking inconvenienced so leaders can look good. can you tell i'm sick of all this sensation?

my mother is completely sucked in, she'd jump off a fuckin bridge if the government told her to at the moment. every day she was up here we had the community radio on 24 hrs a day... waiting for instructions and advice and updates (which never changed... nothing ever happened). It was like she was living on the edge of a knife and she thought i was a fuckin idiot for not joining her in the fear parade.. on my day off she tried to get me out of bed at 7am to commence fuel reduction around my home. sweeping up leaves and collecting fallen twigs. "oh it's going to be bad today.. they say the wind is going to change and everything's going to go up" which it didn't. nothing changed. and yet she remained constantly worried.

i love ya mum but for fuck's sake. sweeping up leaves and taking bundles of little twigs down to the tip will not negate the fact that i have a fence lined with the neighbours' mammoth hay bales and four large eucalypts close to the house.. CHILLAX..

which i did. for the first time in my life i was able to let a one-armed elderly woman bust her ass working around my home without getting sucked into helping. take that! and her guilt trips usually work so well... i often find myself getting out of bed at the crack of "why-the-fuck-am-i-awake" to accompany her in some sort of industrial sized cleaning task that i would never do... EVER.

cleaning is for chumps and if i don't care if my house is messy then she should just learn to deal instead of mind-fucking me into making the place ship shape because it will be back the way it was half a day after she fuckin leaves. she loves to do that. she knows no matter how tired i am i can't let a disabled pensioner dust and sweep and tidy my house for me. she knows that if she starts with the loud clinking of dishes i will wake up and realise that when she is done with them.. she will be moving on to something that a one armed woman should not be doing alone... i've often staggered out in my pyjamas to find her trying to budge a rock the size of a sheep or a woodburning stove or a large log. i have no choice but to jump in and sieze the task from her.....

bitch.

it wouldn't surprise me if she just finishes the dishes and dashes outside to position herself against some ridiculously large object... waiting for the sound of me crashing, bleary-eyed, down the stairs as her cue to start straining.. so that when i come upon the scene it looks as if she's been bursting a blood vessel in her ass for ten minutes..

parents...

.

quitline

2009-02-22T22:20:00.003+11:00

oh for the fuckin love of god STOP SMOKING VICTORIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you need help just call me and i will tell you how.. first you need to stop being on fire.. just bell me for even more advice of that calibre.. i can get you a combustion patch or something..

GODAMMIT!!!

my mum's place looks as if it may go up in smoke so she's coming out here.. well atleast she said she was when she called me...

about five hours ago..

when i was at work in a neighbours garden and not there to take her call..

when i got home i called her house but she must've wound up watering everything down and left by then and i must say i'm a tad paranoid she may have been caught in fire on the road and burned to death!

but that bitch always pulls through..

she survived being crunched inside a minivan by a semitrailer carrying a fucking steam-roller.. she can survive a few mammoth orangey yellow balls of flame surely..

I HavE sUNstrOKe!!!!!

srsly.. i am sitting here with a wet face washer, tied at each corner, positioned on my head like one of those dudes in a movie about gettin lost in the desert.. my brain just won't stop being hot.. i puked before.. i mean fuck.. chronic bushfires.. forty degree gardening weather.. WHAT THE FUCK WERE OUR ANCESTOrs THINKING?!?!?!?!

guh.. i hear mice downstairs.. and i just discovered the cat has been using the gravel base of the loft plinth as a toilet..

lah lah laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah she'll be here any minute now to start annoying me for prolly the next week or two until the fires that were on three sides of her are out.. la la laaa lii la loo laa my brain is pinging on the inside of ma skull la la la.. hHAHAHAHHA!!!!!! i think a possum just fell of my roof!!!! i just heard godalmighty scraping and a thud.. eat shit you tomato pilfering bastard!! NATURE NATURE NATURE... it's at me again...

ow.

brain..

nite.

Twin Geeks

2009-02-16T20:21:00.003+11:00

man i just re-read my last post to remind myself what i've already ranted about and.. well.. i dunno.. yeah ok i go on and on and on with conviction and self importance and all that but it's different when you're with your mates.. that's when it's TIME to talk shit.. when you're in a class room and you're old and you're struggling to actually be there and you're there for a very specific reason (to learn from the teacher)it's just tough to sit through the teenage years all over again.. blah blah blah di fuckin blah...

yes..

as you can prolly guess..

i haven't even started the homework..

fuck it i'll wing it for another week i've been isanely busy just trying to save the garden, cook, clean (no really) and sort out a study space..
i'm not buying another friggin desk.. but the ones i have are too big to put up in the loft.. SO I'M GONNA SAW ONE IN HALF!!!! AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

picture this.. as this will actually be happening next week.. there's me, unable to move the thing outside so will be doing it inside, with a circular saw, earmuffs, faceguard, gloves, and furniture covered with plastic dropsheets to capture the dust..

i am going to feel like Dexter the serial killer..

Add very loud noise, chipboard carnage and the comedic sight of a large piece of furniture falling neatly in two, as i raise my buzz saw above my head and laugh like a maniac.. victorious in my defeat of a badly manufactured laminate.

i will prolly not see the cat for a week..

he totally bails when i go all schwarzenegger with power tools.

i need a twin..

a twin that does nothing but homework and study, then sends me the results telepathically.

until then.. i will have to nerd up

ciao!

Hailing from the nation of Procrasti

2009-02-14T13:09:00.003+11:00

ok so i've got a whopping 48 hrs of homework this week.. and that's for someone who actually remembers shit from last year so seeing as it's me, throw in a few hrs of perplexed revision on top of that.. and factor in that it's already saturday and it's due from tuesday onwards and i haven't even begun yet..

oh man get a room.. flies keep fucking on the screen while i'm trying to type.. i dunno what their deal is but i was watching a movie someone sent me, called "don't mess with the Zohan" and they were just all congregating on the keyboard, they were totally drawn to it.. having sex all over the touchpad.. even the dongle was like make-out point. The ones that weren't rooting were tearing around the keys and gave me the distinct impression they were typing fly pick up lines into some invisible fly dating website with the rendezvous point being the drive-in movie keypad two clicks from the compost bucket.. all that was missing was a diner and some bobby socks..

so i'm in english the other day and the teacher is putting all these issues out there for discussion and man.. i forgot just how irritating the arts crowd can be. there were impassioned outbursts on politics and everything ranging from stem cell research to child pornography which i normally enjoy talking about but these people were so self righteous and self assured and self important... that it just made me stay quiet because their indignance was a dead giveaway that if i was to speak my mind, they would regurgitate a barrage of political correctness vertically into my face and i would have had to put them down hard.

too hard for children.. which is what hey basically are.

i didn't want to hurt anybody and that's where it would have gone because i will not take their shit.. and there was no point in giving it either. seriously these students are so totally delusional they actually think their opinions can change the world. they are still kids that think the world revolves around their passions and beliefs and that they have a right to defend them heatedly in any situation.

There is no point in me explaining to them that their positions on a range of popular debates are COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FUCKING IRRELEVANT TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.. they are convinced otherwise because their parents and teachers told them so.

They haven't been out into the world yet.. the one where no-one gives a fuck about you and is not going to humour you by stroking your ego and telling you you're special person who matters as an individual, who's really really intelligent and really really pretty and really really awesome and wow i'm just fucking astounded such ignorant innocence can survive so.. intact.. i smell sickeningly intense parental coddling.. they're in their twenties for fuck's sake.

i didn't have the best, nor the worst parents and i was made accutely aware that i was not special in any way very early on. so i guess i'm just in awe of them. being able to shout out their opinion about the federal budget and running with that, completely off topic, into a rant about something unrelated that goes on for five minutes.. with such conviction, convinced it's the duty of others to hear them out.. convinced that their shitty little opinion is something special.. convinced they're making good use of people's time.. people who are actually there to learn from the teacher.. i'm amazed they can do that.

The only way i can figure it's possible, is that they're living in a little doll house world, and the doll house is in the play room, and it's hasn't occurred to them yet that maybe those senses of self and safety and importance and meaning.. are just mechanisms that work in the shelter of the play room where life is just a dry run.. like combat training with colleagues in the botannical gardens.. shielded from the reality of the real war in the real jungle..

it's unlikely the mental systems you develop in the garden are going to be compatible with the jungle.. at the very least it'll be fun to watch them slowly realise. i hope atleast some of them begin too.. i can't wait to see them sliding into the sullen awareness as life drags them bit by bit.. out of the dollhouse.. out of the playroom.. out of the house... out of the garden.. and out into the big dark void of anonymity.

HAHAHAHAHA!

yay.

shall we talk about the weather?

2009-02-09T22:12:00.002+11:00

fuckin let's...

what.

the fuck.

i am freezing my tits off here i have woolly winter pj's on over a nightie and big socks and i'm wrapped in a blanket and i've just eaten hot food and my hands are still so cold i can't feel them and it's taken me about a hundred million years just to write this much cause they're too cold to control..

2 days ago it was 48 FUCKING DEGREES.

crappin fucky shit sticks!!!!!

brrrrrrrrrrrrr

sci-fire

2009-02-08T20:36:00.002+11:00

maaaaan what a bloody colored sunset.. the water guy finally came this morning at 9am.. i told him i'd been up til 4am and he said "yeah i bet you were.. i wouldn't be able to sleep either..."

er.. wtf?

"40 people died in the fires in this area yesterday"

ERRRRR.... WTF??????????????

"100 homes burned.. they were told it would be wise to evacuate, but it was 48 degrees and no one could bring themselves to go outside, so they stayed and died.."

O_o

well a fuckin top o' the morning to you to!

apparently there was nothing to be done for those who weren't already out of the area by the time the fire was within reach due to the gale force winds.. slept through the whole thing.. people totally got fried alive not far from here and now i'm wearing pyjamas and a blanky and it's bloody cold and overcast out there (and windy.. can't forget about that.. had a mini cyclone here again last night but all is well) make up your mind summer!!!

just to make things really clear here.. the paddock next door is chock full of huge round tinder-dry haybales.. so chock full they are actually lined alongside my fence.. then there's a few eucalypts then, there's a few metres, then there's me.. heh

oh who am i kidding.. i don't and won't give a fucking rat's ass until i'm actually on fire.. being mortally afraid is just too exhausting.. besides.. the house is insured.. and i think you all know deep down that i am the kind to make it out of an emergency situation, such as a natural disaster, very much alive..

so anyway a big FUCK YOU VERY MUCH CHANTER for introducing me to my new visual crack-pipe.. Battlestar Galactica.. HOW FUCKING AWESOOOOOOOOOOOOOME?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The president's a chick.. The best fighter pilot is a chick.. i think i remember in the original, women just screamed alot.. and Starbuck (aforementioned best fighter pilot) just had sex with them... and HOW FUCKING SPOOKY are the robotic cylons? those creepy claws of theirs give me serious technophobia..

so all you sci fi nerds out there.. this is for you...

more animals

INTERNET A-GO-GO

2009-02-03T17:04:00.002+11:00

so i'm sitting here on the melbourne library floor, with new laptop, (god i fucking love this thing) after eight hours of physics/math and i'm cross legged and my feetsies are sleeping but that's ok because the numbers have stopped!!! i have formulae coming out of my ears.. i had to get up just before five to get to physics by nine from butfuck idaho and there's only half an hour inbetween classes so i spent that cackling like a chook with all the classmates i haven't seen for six weeks.. instead of eating lunch.. so by about 2.30 i was actually nodding off in class.. right around the whole 'express-nCr-thingamies-in-the-pascall's-triangle-format' episod.. no kidding i thought it was just because i had had no sleep and no food but i looked at the others after class (after they slapped me awake) and we were all exchanging baffled, worried looks like some unseen hand was drawing straws to determine which of us would be anally violated by the latest algebraic calculator model..

and maaaaaaaan.. i can't believe it's you you big dork!! raymond makes his own muesli? err.. look if i start apologising now for who i was when i was younger i would start a huge fucking satanic snowball of self loathing so i dunno.. i prolly did and said some pretty gay ass crap but hey.. teenagers generally are shit.. and trust me you got off easy.. i left that high school when i had just turned 15 but when i turned 16.. i became the fucking antichrist.. i'm ok now though. i only slaughter and devour an unbaptised child every other weekend..

if today's classes are anything to go by, i am going to be right strung out for the whole year.. it's the first day back and i have about 12 hrs homework.. oh and there's no lockers so they're buying more but until they get delivered i have to drag my huge bag full of books and supplies around with me like a total bag hag.. anyway... i shall see you all soonish.. as i couch surf across the suburbs of melbourne, haggard from displacement and over-concentration...

god i need to fart.. loudly.. i've needed to fart for twelve hours now but have been surrounded by peeps, i'm not used to having to hold it in.. it will be a total ass hurricane by the time it is released.. i will blow a hole in chanter's wall.. nnnnng..

The Rays of Yore

2009-02-02T12:32:00.004+11:00

ok

so nomadic-hobo-mode...

ON..

school starts tomorrow so i'll be away from my home, cat, chooks and garden for 3 days a week for another year.. sigh. how hardcore am i? and how hardcore are you guys for putting me up for a night every few weeks??? i miss my home and my solitude like crazy when i'm away but it'll all be worth it when i know a shitload about stars.. and when i win the nobel prize for physics.. i'll mention you all in my acceptance speech..

The heatwave has passed.. i'm still sittin round in the buff but i'm not as sticky.. i actually had toast and a hot coffee this morning instead of eating cold creamed corn out of the can for fear that heating anything in any way would add to the insane temperature and ignite me..

and yessdee i got out there for a few hours as the gale force wind and searing crapness had subsided.. and gardened.. i got covered in chook poo and seasol and dirt.. HOORAY!
Amazingly tomatoes survived.. as did some of the zuchinnis and melons and the grape vines will live.. just. fruit trees are ok but it was touch and go there.. wind really fucks with a plant's moisture and couple that with 45 degrees and it's death city.. but more than i thought survived.. among the dead are my FOURTH lot of blueberry bushes so fuck them i give up. blueberries just don't like it here.. like passionfruit and okra.. my sunflowers all bit the dust, all peas and beans died, all broccoli, brussels sprouts.. most of the carrots, beets.. strawberries and rhubarb are still alive but most of their leaves were burnt off.. which looks really unattractive.. all this loss and still.. I MUST GARDEN.. i stand by my original statement.. gardening is like crack.. it costs alot.. it takes up a ridiculous amount of time and it never gives you back even money.. which is like every other addiction i've ever had so hey.. atleast this one is i dunno.. reputable or something.. and it means i always have something to talk about with old people at ballarat station.. i get approached lately.. like.. ALOT.. WTF? am i sending out friendly vibes? last shopping trip TWO DIFFFERENT WOMEN came up to me and said i know you don't work here but where do you think xxxxx is? please remember i spent nearly ten years as a drug addled goth.. sometimes with mohawks.. so the only people that used to regularly approach me were the cops.. then i spent five years after that bumbling grumpily throught the world of hardcore customer service so i walked around with a chip on my shoulder as i hated everyone.. getting treated like a worthless piece of shit every day will do that to you.. then i came out here..

maybe i'm finally mellowing out. i still panic when i have to walk down a crowded street, particularly with a people watching theme.. like degraves street.. but maybe that FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK OOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF aura has finally left me. oh i still fucking hate people generally.. we are all cunts and we must be eliminated.. but maybe i can deal with that now, knowing i can always come home to my isolated, quiet, temple and be unaffected for another half a week..

OR JUST SPEND 24 HRS A DAY ONLINE CHATTING TO EVERY FUCK UNDER THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm back on lavalife and you should see some of the fuckin cranks i end up having conversations with just for the hell of it..

jesus christ.. you could use some of those ID pics to scare away children. no kidding sometimes i ask myself.. is this a dating website or the CIRCUSFREAK DATABASE????

no stalkers yet like last time and my god this post is long.. if you have made it this far you clearly are either a) procrastinating or b) having of NO life..

and RAY??? i only know one Ray.. He was the only person i was sorry to leave when i changed highschools in year 9.. he lived in Lilydale, was a total braniac nerd, had almost no chin, curly hair and was possibly the only person to receive as much shit from the other kids as me.. except he dealt with it much better.. i remember once in science some cunt filled a syringe with acid and squirted it on his pants and it burnt through.. (i think that was the same science class where some fuck dragged me around the classroom by my hair) but i can't remember his surname so the message you left signed Ray C could still be from some guy who wants money to get out of Nigeria, or wants to sell me dental insurance.. it's been 20 years dude but i'd still recognise you if you came up to me and said hi it's Ray.. i probably wouldn't notice you otherwise as i'll be looking away from people out the window, reading a textbook, or pretending to be asleep.. tad agoraphobic.. anyway.. i think i'll recognise your last name if you leave it in the comments.. or give me some kind of fact that i would know about our highschool or my mother or whatever.. if you can remember that far off.. oh and if you're another Ray that i have known, i clearly need reminding who you are.. cause i've searched my memory and highschool ray was the only ray i found so heeeeeeeeey i better end this post before it's 2010..

ciao

oh hang on!!! was your last name Cohen?! talk about hearkening back to the days of yore.

australius combustion

2009-01-29T18:15:00.003+11:00

well fuck me.

you may be tempted to think otherwise.. but no shit i am on fucking fire. i am actually in flames as i am typing this it's 45 degrees.. and it's official.. my cat's thermostat is totally fuckin busted. he is choosing to lounge UPSTAIRS where it is even hotter than down here.. and he's found the only patch of SUN to lie in. HE IS WEARING A FUR COAT FOR FUCK'S SAKE.. what is his deal? a friend of mine reports that cats are actually interdimensional conduits that beam heat elsewhere.. i suggested it was transported to fuel cat spaceships in a dimension where kittehs ruled the galaxy.. which means that my place alone could power a small feline armada.. and that cats could also transform the verbal obscenity of their owners into galactic space craft ammunition.. so again.. my joint = small feline armada... and possibly the entire destruction of a small planet..

Leila finallly dragged me onto a pothead site called the grow report which is awesome and is a yakking place for just about everyone who has ever been on her radio show/ podcast thingy.. i've been on her show a few times but ne'er have i spoken to anyone else from that community so imagine my surprise when i posted a "err hello my name is..." on the new members page and about five people posted back going.. duuuuuuude we TOTALLY know who you are!!! some tripper with a pet rabbit ("fuckball") calling herself ms wink even mentioned she missed this blog!! hello ms wink if you're reading!!! fuck me i thought about two people read this thing hehe.. small world..
that's also really big..
and has heaps of other dimensions..
one of which contains intergalactic feline overlords..
like i said..
on..
fire..
oh and me and leila are going to see CHEECH AND CHONG in april.. if you're under 30 just wiki them.. please don't ask me who the fark they are as i will prolly bite your head off as it will make me feel ancient..
heat..
guh..
oh i start school again feb 3rd so will prolly be mewing for couches to crash on fairly soon.. but this year the harvest is non-existent as the plants have all pretty much burnt to death.
sob..
i will have to trade sexual favours instead..
or maybe promising NO sexual favours would be more effective as a bargaining tool..
ew.. sweat just keeps running down my arms and legs and back.. and i'm sitting still!!!
i imagine most of the grow report folks are freezing their tits off right now.. bastards..
renovation has come to a screeching halt.. i can't paint as the heat makes the stuff skin up.. i can't set concrete as it will dry too quickly and crack.. i can't move anything around cause any physical exercise will make me fucking pass out..
wah wah at least i have water. and food and a bed and a stupid cat to pat and my health and all that.. actually HEY.. LIFE is fucking AWESOME right now hehe..
oh and a big fat frenching thankyou to chanter, knight and pickle for getting out here a few weekends ago to help with putting up the new water tank.. it went really well, and soon as i get that fucker filled i will never go without water again.. thank the almighty ass fucking christ..
eh this is prolly the most boring post ever but gimme a bit o time to get back into the swing of things.. i blame net abstinence and the searing hell heat..
sweatily yours
maramonster xox

have dongle. will blog.

2009-01-16T15:28:00.002+11:00

I AM DONGLE McDONGLE OF THE CLAN McDONGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am totally back online i've just been on icanhascheezburger for like an hour and a half i downloaded messenger i checked email i bought a chemistry textbook i...i...i...i... INTERNETTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSS!!!! Fucking christ. i DARE you cunts to go two years without internet.. i feel like i just smashed through a glass ceiling!! year twelve here i friggin come omgomgomg WIKIPEDIA!!!!!!!! STAR ALMANACS!!! FUCKING FUCKING FUCKINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

the devil's trident

2008-05-26T23:15:00.002+10:00

daaaaaaamn. my pitchfork is possessed o' tha devil. first i'm diggin over a huge garden bed and one of the tynes snaps off for no apparent reason and goes whizzing past my ear, then i'm diggin closer to the church and suddenly i get this water jet in the face as another tyne skewers the water pipe to the in-house plumbing that i thought was located underground on the otherside of the place. one rather hasty self taught plumbing adventure later.. i left it leaning up against the wall. i actually backed away from it.. waitin for the third thang.. like where the tyne snapped off is going to stabulate me when i go to push it into the ground with my foot. guh.. gotta go factorise cubic polynomials. WHO CURSED MY GARDEN IMPLEMENT?

bidicular persecutor

2008-05-05T22:58:00.002+10:00

seeeeeeew.... here i am again mooching a night's accommodation off the lovely fanny and pickle (i never realised what a sexual combination those names are until now-it's quite disturbing as they're not exactly overtly sexual.. like AT ALL.. in public anyway-they could be vegetable using sodomites that play mistress of pain weekly-who would ever know? it's always the quiet ones)
so i've been picking potatoes. on a harvester. which is a vinyl HELL box the size of a portable schoolroom filled with noise and conveyer belts and fucking MINDBOGGLING amounts of dust that get's dragged around a paddock ploughing up tubers and shaking you around like one of those freaky earthquake simulators down the kiddie science park. srsly. feel like chain gang dude. cept i'm CONVINCED breaking rocks all day would be WAAAAAAAAAY sweeter than this crap but i'm oooota debt which is relieving. school going well. apparently i'm roolly smart which is tops.. i just completed a linear relations task and the last question requested me to locate the co-ordinates of the "perpendicular bisector" to the line from A to D. jesus why don't they just ask you to find the midpoint of the fucking line? so my maths teacher is pretty fuckin straight. we are talkin hush puppies and osti frocks but i don't care anymore. i've learnt that people will put up with a shitload of disturbing crap from me if they think i'm smart or scary or interesting or too much of a pain in the ass to chastise, etc so i handed in the solutions referring repeatedly to said 'perpendicular bisector' as the much more appropriate 'bidicular persecutor'.. final answer went : illustration of a small two-headed penis with grouchy eyebrows = (3,-3) so i hope her womb doesn't fall out or whatever. maybe she'll disapprovingly lay an egg.. which incidentally is something my chooks (trevor and kevin) are no longer doing as hens go all fucking sterile when it gets cold. oh and kevin is fucking MOULTING!!!! aside from the fact that, if you're a hen, you're supposed to do that when it's WARM, i think a moulting chicken at any time of year, is one of the most heinously leperous sights i have ever clapped eyes on. the hen sheds all her feathers and gets round lookin like a fuckin scabby BALLSACK for a week or so before the new feathers start poking through like stubble on a brute if each hair had the girth of a bamboo skewer. pete and fleur came out last weekend and i was showing their hellspawn how to feed the chickens (insert wank reference) and quite understandably, it took the poor tod a while before he was sufficiently de-horrified to throw the grain into the pen. anyway.. off i fuck...

negative emus

2008-02-19T13:51:00.005+11:00

so i'm learning to do algebra on a CALCULATOR. get down. i like doing it manually better though. i think that makes me a masochist to some but the graphing machine just takes all the fun out of math. today i was having trouble trying to figure out how it all worked.. there was this verbal question about finding the amount of emus and the amount of sheep in a combo herd of 57 total animals and 168 total legs which i did fine on paper but when i tried to graph it on the calculator i got negative emus. the sheep were fine though. i wrestled with the concept of the negative emu for a time, postulating that maybe there was some kind of parallel timeline crossover thing going on but the physics from the day before fell fairly short. anyway i camped at pickle's place last night and stayed up too late drinking the vino rouge, which possibly locates the well from which the unsuccessful negative emu model sprang. i blame the mahogany one. the one that slept through his alarm the next morning heh. oh fleur's up the fucking duff again. jesus christ. my best friends will shortly have two children. i could pretend one wasn't really happening but two... well there's just no amount of physics that's going to explain that out of existence so unfortunately i'm just going to have to swallow the concept of multiple offspring.. they increase relatively proportionally with my age. it'd be nice if, when fleur's womb dried up, i'd stop getting older. stranger things have happened. like negative emus.

ps thankyou to ma niggas for all the monday night hospitality.. seriously seriously appreciated.

heeeeeeeeeelp!

2008-02-12T01:36:00.000+11:00

ok. i need help. i was supposed to study general math, chem and physics at CAE in the city all in one day so i could've made it home. then they tell me i need to be doing INSANE-O, giga-nerd math to make sense of the physics and chem and the only class runs on tues. this leaves me in a fucking shit situation. last class on monday finishes 845pm then i start at 9am next day so with country train times, i would be 5 hrs at home before having to turn around and come back. and be alert enough to deal with calculus..................................... nuh.
would anybody that can spare a couch for me to crash on every third or fourth monday night (depending on how many of you can help) please let me know asap?! i'd be getting there shortly before bedtime and leaving early morning so it's hardly a social visit, but while the harvest season lasts, i can drag an esky full of farm fresh organic produce with me for the host/s as a trade... i've already spent two monday nights with the lovely teleri and jen but's can't lob on the same peeps all the time.. please let me know if you can help by ringing my home or mobile though cause i won't have internet access til next monday when i'm down here again for class, wondering whether i have to slink into that CRUSTY backpacker hostel down near spencer street that smells like vommit, late at night, paying money i don't have to prolly catch lice and get no sleep. and that's IF they have a vacancy. ugh. crappy situation. please help.

flux

2008-01-17T16:02:00.000+11:00

ok so one of my chooks.. i think it's kevin not trevor is still not laying and is still pulling all the feather's out of her own neck. so i've decided to have a ritual sacrifice.. to, i dunno, almighty She-ra.. then i'm gonna get a real chook. and my last grandparent shuffled off the coil on the summer solstice. there may be some mortgage relief as i am mentioned in her will but don't think it'll be any amount to jump up and down about. better than a kick in the vulva. unless it's from jake gyllenhaal. he can kick my vulva anytime. i enrolled in vce chem and physics in the city at the CAE today, they're both on the same day so from feb 4th i'll be in the city every monday via v-line trying to get smart. god i hated that show. um. oh i got a job in a sweet nursery and garden about half an hr away i start on mon. and the crossdresser is back to help me with kitchen floor, cabinetry, benchtops and ballustrading.. i think we may be delving into wrought iron... so ... um... yay?! am in internet cafe in city.. my hour's almost up so before i lose all this i'm fucking off.. see yas..

crop circles

2007-11-26T20:23:00.000+11:00

am on mates computer cause i still got no internet at homey homes. we cleaned up her backyard today. i was on whippersnipper duty and got about a million fuckin grass seeds torpedoed through my pants and shoes. they look like the face of demon Doyle from Angel. can't sit down in them. for someone who's seen no action in a while i sure find myself in alot of other people's pants. first caz's second hand jeans, now mel's borrowed trakkies. i looked into the field next door the other day and watched the grass swaying in the breeze and thought fuck wouldn't that be the talk of kooroocheang if i just got in there with a board and some string and made a fuckin crop circle. the inbred retards down the road would totally flip out. actually they'd prolly just be pissed about their rye grass. it would surely get the cows on the defensive. my mum came out for a few days last week and she's a bit obsessed recently about my standard of living so she forked out some cash for paint for me bedroom. i chose hot pink for the walls, bright aqua for the architraves and tomato red for the ceiling which will be so loud it will probably keep me awake but fuck it i'm sick of white. the paint names were "cheeky" "unicorn" and something else that had absolutely nothing to do with color. i renamed them wet labia, deadly bluebottle and arterial spray. i had to get up in the roof to relocate the wiring for a lightswitch (yay me) and i was like what are all these pellets? i waded through them and had to dig through them to push the wire through a hole i made from the underside and they all fell on my bed and then i was like oh now i remember. that's batshit. like an inch thick all over the attic floor. i should throw some seeds up there and see what happens. eeeeeeeeeyyyoooow! pod keeps killing cute fluffy baby bunnies. i caught one with my very own hands the other day. i was like oh my god. this is the very definition of cute. i went to nuzzle it and realised it was fucking COVERED with fleas crawling in and out of it's pelt. usually i would force myself to wring it's little garden savaging neck but mum was there and we both just looked at it. terrified in it's little tea towel. and we did something very uncountry. we jumped in the car and drove it ages away and set it free. in some other bastard's paddock. where there were lots of other rabbits. it prolly got gangbanged. it's outta my hands. anyway i gotta gettlegongle.. and about new years. few of you guys wanted to do it again this year. i can't be fucked doing a variety show but if you all wanna come out here for a dirty weekend feel free. lemme know asap though and do it with mobi text PLEASE! dunno when i'm gonna be online again.. sigh. maybe when some of you mosey on out here on the 29th, we can partake of the ancient native american broadband dance.. cheerio.

'that fowl woman'

2007-09-21T13:45:00.000+10:00

got chooks. will egg. they were like $2 each! brown. chipper. am in process of building the hen taj mahal in the back yard as they quietly poo all over the inside of a massive open topped box until it is finished. which may be a few days yet. i'm here in castlemaine internet joint pickin up my useless computer, but pickley pix reckons he can chuck the hard drive in one of his spares and i got a letter in the mail from the govt/council saying broadband would be available to my address soon which made me shart with excitement so i may be back on line in a few months. garden going spastic. anyone for rhubarb? strawberries should be mental in a month or two. and i got a SWEET cherry tree. and a mulberry. and blueberry. and raspberry. mmmmm. berrrrry. anyway my girls are in a box and i'm here when i should be there making a decent home for them but fuck them. they're chickens. i'm looking into getting something called a dutch barevelder which lays chocolate brown eggs but dunno if they are a breed that could handle the heat i get here. cat is jealous. i have over 400 seedlings on the go in me greenhouse. might sell em at the market if i manage not to kill them. paving out front almost done. business plan for bein a full time sculptress nearly finished. go me. i am the egg man. koo koo cachoo.
love yas
p.s.
anyone wanting fresh air and sunshine and a bit o exercise, feel free to trundle on out for a weekend, i'd LOVE a second/third/fourth, etc set of hands for a few hours.. setting some fence posts in the ground, moving that fucking wood heater off the porch (just irritatingly small things i can't seem to manage with only two upper limbs) or i dunno, sittin round. but text or call me though. i dunno when i'll be in town next. cheerio chapperoos.

closure

2007-09-03T14:55:00.000+10:00

it is with pride that i inform you all that i have been effectively sacked. i was warned for a long time before it happened that my boss could be an unbelievable cunt and that he threw tantrums like an extremely violent fat balding three year old with a heart problem. before he had a heart attack apparently he was worse and used to throw spanners and other hardware at employees who happened by when he was in a bad mood. anyway he had to fork out 2&1/2 grand to repair one of the work vehicles. this made him angry. decided to come down to the field and tell us all that we were fuckin shit and he was howling in this high pitched squeal like a little stuck pig and abusing the hell out of us. all the men just stood round him in a circle and listened. as you all know i took enough shit from ill-tempered fuckwits in my years at the casino to fill my lifetime quota and this was my time to shine. i calmly told him not to talk to his employees like that. he told me "fuck up mara" at the top of his squealy little bitch voice. i walked right up to him in the middle of the circle of silent blokes and said 'calm down dave' well that had the desired effect and he fuckin totally lost the plot. he put his nose right up to mine and shouted right in my face 'FUCK UP MARA FUCK UP MARA FUCK UP MARA FUCK UP MARA' his face was so red and spit was flying into my eyes but i stood my ground and told him to calm down again. he turned his back on me and sounded like he was going to cry as he started to yell at the men again. i just thought. nuh. you talk to me like a cunt i'll talk to you like a cunt so in a sweet voice i said 'dave.. one day you're going to get your period and we'll also have to get you a bra and...' he flew off the fuckin handle, cut me off mid sentence, swung around and grabbed me with both hands while screeching like an old woman and tried to fling me. i stiffened and pushed my chest right up to his and slapped him really hard over his heart with the flat edge of my beetroot cutting knife and i growled 'DON'T YOU FUCKIN TOUCH ME' before one of the guys stepped in and pulled us apart. fuck it felt good. he waddled off with his tail in between his legs but he wasn't done.. he knows i hate the shed so he only puts people in there that on't mind it.. anyway i get up theremid morning and he says infront of everyone 'mara you're in the shed'.. i felt so good after getting the better of him that i didn't care as lunchbreak was comin anyway. he came into the lunch room and tried to tell me i was in the shed again after lunch and i said 'i'm not stayin in the shed dave' well round two had begun. he fuckin lost his ass all over the lunch room floor and i stayed as calm as a cucumber..
me: you're not the boss of me mate
dave: gvfijre;smijgvureo;smj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**%&^%&^&%#%#&!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: you're only tryin to put me in there as disciplinary action when you're the one who fucked up and did the wrong thing.
dave; %^^&&#$(*#))$&&@#7*hrfjkg#&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: no i'm NOT in the shed this afternoon dave and if that's a problem for you i'll have you up for assault.
dave:ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you fuckin do that bitch i'll call the cops and have you removed and and and and and AND AND AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: calm down dave. how many bunches of silverbeet are we supposed to get again?
dave:!$@&#*$)@&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: whatever
dave: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (slams break room door...)

fucking.

comedy.

GOLD.

anyway i went to the field to pick beet for the rest of the day and there were no police there to cart me off as he is a total fuckin pussy.

i put in a report to senior constable Ferry of the ballarat police department stating that he went schizo with a knife in his hand and manhandled a female half his size infront of several witnesses who were willing to testify should i come to press charges..

i used to toss and turn, angry and sleepless after my daily run-ins with the cunts from work, as it really got to me that i wasn't allowed to stand up for myself without losing my job.

never again.

that night i slept like a fucking baby. a baby that had been heavily sedated and possibly concussed.

dave has not asked me back for any days of work since. quite frankly i don't think i'd go if he did.

schooled by a girl infront of his entire workforce.

eat shit motherfucker and hear me fucking ROAR.

stiff pussy

2007-08-22T20:29:00.000+10:00

i got my seeds in the mail the other day.. mmm pink celery.. black radishes.. egyptian spinach.. herrrbs... way too excited about spring planting.. making new veggie beds like mad pensioner.. poor bijohndles' gorgeous cat 'Pantera' had to be put down ad he came out to bury her under my almond tree.. i totally lost it.. i cried like a baby.. she was so adorable-even though she was as stiff as a board! it may have been the monthly hormones. i may just be a terrible softie. i just love pussy. anyway the almond tree is bloomin like a spastic thing now and i'm going to plant a bunch of herbs ontop of her grave.. now whenever i see my own cat i grab him and practically squeeze him to death. there are alot of daffodils and blossomy things going on in the garden so ofcourse i am MAD about the garden at the moment. i've been grilling the dudes down the farm for all the info i can wrangle from them. i expect greatness this year.. *wishes for torrential rainfall* anyway the internet cafe shuts soon and i still have shopping to do. i totally reek like kerosene cause i was doing fire staff dancing at circus class.. as you do. i am awesome. la la. mm. k.. see yas this satdeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anybody reading this who is coming and is in possession of cool party lights please please bring them i only have a few malfunctioning fairy lights.. and half my globage is out. cheers. later!

the internet hates me

2007-08-15T21:20:00.000+10:00

maaan.. i've been looking forward to checkin my email for DAYS.. i get to the internet cafe here after work and acrocircus.. and hotmail won't let me fucking sign in. it keeps telling me my password is incorrect.. like the four letter one i've had for over 15 years.. suddenly it's just not goooood enough.. it's been wrong all this time.. just waiting to break the news to me.. nnng. computers... want to kill.. on the upside i'm getting really fit! and this bonfire party on the 25th to which you are all invited looks like it will actually have a decent turn out.. but um.. no computer.. so no music.. unless you count my pitiful cd collection.. if y'all can't live without the tuneage.. bring electrical bits that make boom boom.. gotta trundle.. internet cafe shutting.. gay ass hotmail.. eggless homoness. see you all soon!

frankencomputer

2007-08-01T20:06:00.000+10:00

eeeeee just a quick one.. am on the run after my acrobatics class and a rough day at the farm. FINALLY there is an internet cafe in my general vicinity!!! so i will only be able to manage quick snippets of computerdom every wednesday after acrocircus before the joint shuts but hey.. better than nothing.. still haven't been in contact with the guy that's supposed to be fixing me puter.. he only takes calls in the hours when i'm working, has no message bank and is generally really really busy.. so i dunno if i can save my puter cheaply yet.. pickle tells me i can just take the hard drive out of my old one and chuck it in a new one (stuck together from bits of mates' comps) but just thinking about it gives me a total fucking mental HERNIA.. so here i am surrounded by daylesford's future leet.. the cafe has just opened.. it's called detonate.. there's a whole bunch of spotty kids here trying to figure out how to play... COUNTERSTRIKE.. sigh.. kids of today. network gaming has spread, like the virus that it is, to the country.. oh well give a shit at least i can check my email with cool music pumping in the background, lightning speed connection and... HEATTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!! ok gotta motor ciao.. and remember if you want to tell me somthing.. TEXT ME!!! i am computerless until.. until.. um.. armageddon or something.........................

broken computer + poverty = no posts

2007-07-14T12:29:00.000+10:00

just a quick heya.. i'm at a mate's. computer broken. friend can't fix it. got no money to get it looked at. connection cancelled. so no more blogging. no more chat. no more email. dunno when i'll be back. this has been the situation since my last post. i think it's been a coupla months. miss chat and blogging badly but that's the way the cookies explodes. bonfire party on the 25th august to which you are all invited.. hope to see you there cause that's prolly the only way i'll be in contact with folks from now on.. in the flesh.. or possibly via text. bummer.. but yay party! dinner supplied but byo booze. will be sending another group text about it later on.. miss you all.. see you.. whenever the universe materialises me a computer and a connection i can afford (ha!)

dudes with no skin

2007-05-15T00:39:00.000+10:00

http://www.melbourneshowgrounds.com/event-discover-human-body.asp

ok bitches. dead bodies ahoy.. meet at flinders st clocks at 3.30 on saturday 19th May.. wherefrom we shall embark on our voyage to the land of flayed carrion at the melbourne showgrounds.. come one come all.. I've seen alot of dead people but never without their skin RAA! *pisses panties in excitement*

and now.. meet mr T.. or T bar for short.. he, like the real mr T, exists purely to fuck shit up.. pity the fool chimney..

long live the queen

2007-05-09T19:53:00.000+10:00

omfg! my mum has this bi-polar fag mate and he has a friend who lives over my way that is a 72 yr old cross dressing carpenter! he likes to keep very active and enjoys doing things for people so he came over last week, sussed me and me church out and has agreed to do my BENCHTOPS! and my built in robes! for FREEEEEEEEEEE!!! OMFG SO FUCKIN HAPPY.. we went out for coffee today and he brought a benchtop sample for me (with three different colored stains) and photos of some of his handiwork.. jesus.. i think more gay guys should get into carpentry.. talk about perfection.. plus he's just GORGEOUS! he whipped out some photos of his last fancy dress ball and my god.. he makes a more convincing woman than an actual woman does.. i HAVE to turn him into jackie O for a day.. or perhaps a burlesque take on the Queen.. he DOES have a nice leg..... must... nnng!.... put.... him.... nnnnng!.... in... CORSET!!! can't...... RESIST!.. nnnng!!

flipping out

2007-05-09T19:11:00.000+10:00

i didn't get to the carrion exhibition and the random internet guy i bought condoms in order to have wild sex with stood me up.. but i still feel good cause i just met someone who's worse off! i just got inside from.. well.. i was staring out at the window the PRECISE moment that a ute skidded off the road and flipped three times in the air.. i grabbed me phone and dashed outside in me socks.. and was about to call 000 but i saw the guy crawling out of the ute unharmed.. it was upside down, bonnet to the ground.. the cab was FLATTENED.. i dunno how he wasn't hurt. the poor guy had just come from selling what he could salvage from his uninsured home which had just been burned down by vandals.. he had the remainder of his life in his big metal tool trunk which was attached to the tray of his ute (also uninsured and now totalled) which flew open on the first spin and evenly distributed his worldly possessions in an arc that stretched from here to fucking melbourne!!! as i, and later some other neighbours that heard the thud and came to suss, were picking his life out of the grass and putting it into boxes- he kept saying he was going to kill himself.. as he had nothing left.. i pointed out he had his health and told him my mum had lost her arm in a car accident and that he might not feel like it.. but he was far luckier than he may suspect.. but at the same time i was remembering what wanting to kill yourself feels like.. the hopelessness.. the inability to see anything except dying in a positive light.. and for him with the added bonus of shock.. but i just didn't know what else to say to him! i think he'll be ok though.. cause in the end there were seven of us (three of us small women two of them senior citizens and four men who were just as ancient heh) and we all pitched in together to turn his ute back over.. we loaded all his boxes into another guy's ute who gave him a lift to his destination.. it must have been a relief not to be alone in it all. i remembered when i was freezing and bruised with nothing left to my name after i had been robbed and stabbed in a place where i didn't even speak the language.. i remembered what a difference the help of strangers had made.. how much better it made everything feel afterward..
i used to dread being put in a position where i would be required to help someone cause i thought i'd be shit at it and just make things worse but i guess the country has beaten that out of me cause when i saw that ute flipping in the air i just snapped into action and was out the door almost before the bloody thing stopped rolling! i like emergencies. i feel normal when one is happening. i get calm and clear headed. emergencies good.. it's just all the rest of life in between them that i can find a bit panic inducing! anyhoos.. i'm trying to organise a group of peeps to go to the body world carcass exhibition i didn't make it to last weekend and i'm shooting for the 2PM on the 19th May so if any of you wish to come and ogle corpses text or email me and we shall go eat something really really slimy afterwards just to gross ourselves out.. i suggest sashimi.

chimney as my bitch

2007-05-04T16:12:00.000+10:00

i have spent the last two days smashing into bricks with a sledgehammer.. my house and everything in it is covered an inch thick in dust.. and my god i'm sick of mushrooms.. they are exploding en masse out of the ground amongst the things i actually planted.. which apparently means i have fertilised my garden WAY too much.. oh well.. shrooms ahoy.. my shoulders and hands are so sore from swinging and hitting but i feel like an amazon.. with a mushroom farm.. so its all good and i can see the kitchen from the livingroom now! the chimney remains are below head level so it's only a few more days work.. and inhaling asbestos, huzzah! i'm trying to make it down tomorrow round noon for the bodywork exhibiton by that hunter von hagen dude that did the live dissections on sbs.. human bits here i come! it's at the showgrounds if any of you wanna come with.. jen tipped me off about it but i dunno if she can make it yet as i haven't been able to catch her up. then i will be going out to dinner with the random internet dude - i may even GASP- get laid! fingers crossed he's not a tool in person.. if he is i will settle for the fact that the food at viet star was worth the trip down.. mmmmmmmmm chimneys

the answer is... 42

2007-04-25T14:04:00.000+10:00

the question therefore must be "how many sphincters are there in the human body?" to which the answer is actually 42.. which got me to thinkin.. where the FUCK are those 42 sphincters? well heart, stomach, genitals, anus, and eye are a few main ones.. alot of them are microscopic apparently.. but the eye one freaks me out.. the pupillary sphincter! heh join me on a journey into my disgusting freaky mind and imagine with me.. taking a shit.. with your EYE!!!!!!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! do it!!! squint one eye and boggle the other one out and imagine pushing out an EYE TURD! ..the really disturbing part would be having to read the paper with your anus at the same time.. heh.. toilets would be alot smaller.. crying would be smelly and prolly be the direct result of eating too many green apples.. i could run with this for a long long time but i have to go study some quantum mechanics.. i really wish the dude who came up with the algorithm for electron configuration would do an eye turd.. after he'd eaten chilli.. bastard..

spill guts not blood

2007-04-17T00:25:00.000+10:00

i have lost heaps of weight from being sick and just eatin vegetable stew.. all my pants look like clown pants. there is a scary amount of room in my bra.. think i'm down to an E cup! positively WASTING away i tell you. pickle came out here.. he made that weird yet delicious pork mince stew thing.. and bought out a chocolate babka.. i made pot cookies and we also drank and smoked some salvia.. SO FUCKING HIGH! we danced around the kitchen like little kids at a music festival and hallucinated a bit then ate waaaaay too much. next day we drove around butfuck towns but i was too paranoid to get out and mingle with any other humans.. i think i was high for three days.. pickle.. you're such a bad influence heh.. and NO! he didn't come out here cause i was all emo on my last post.. we had planned it a while ago.. by the way.. it's called VENTING people!! after whingeing my cunt off.. i had a really happy sociable week.. i'm going to talk about this now and if you all freak out then fuckin check your heads.. i came as close as i have ever been to committing suicide just before i posted last. i was reaching for a pen to write a quick goodbye. when i stopped myself. i thought about how i would do it.. i wanted to slash my cuffs and watch all the blood run out in the bath.. (too many zombie movies).. then i thought.. fuck! it'll be a fuckin MONTH before anyone finds me! i'll be a fuckin SOUP! i thought of the maggots.. and i felt concerned about the ick factor i would inflict on the finder of my carcass.. and who the finder may be.. how long it would take the cat to realise he better actually START CATCHING MICE as i wouldn't be able to feed him.. how long it would take the garden to die.. the electricity to get cut off.. the food in the fridge to go rotten.. the mail to overflow.. i called lifeline (i didn't want to inconvenience any family and friends by waking them up to dump all my shit on them).. and when i realised i just needed to whine and probably wasn't actually going to act.. i became embarassed and apologised to the counsellor and went to hang up just incase someone who was really about to top themselves was trying to get through.. and he kept me on the line.. and i didn't know why.. but now i do.. my point is this.. whether you're in a church in the middle of nowhere, in an intimate relationship with someone or surrounded by a crowd of beautiful happy people.. you can still feel totally fucking alone and if you're really really down.. you just have to express yourself.. no matter how stupid and emo and embarassing and fuckin inconvenient it is to you, your friends, your family or the random phone counsellor. just fucking talk.. yes some people will totally freak the fuck out when you do talk (or type) as they won't understand that by venting all the negative crap.. you're actually moving away from it.. if i was going to commit suicide the last thing i would be doing would be talking about it.. if i was dangerously depressed.. you wouldn't hear a thing from me.. suicide eventuates when you DON'T talk.. so talk.. talk MESSY.. and don't be concerned when i do! luv yas..

head full o cheese

2007-04-01T15:31:00.001+10:00

what is it with 60 yr old men? they think just cause i'm female and single that i'd be up for a fuck? god they shit me.. i've had two sleazy old guys make passes at me lately.. fucking retards.. i'm sick. i have a head full of snot. i'm pretty fit though so i reckon i'll be over it in three days instead of my usual three weeks.. but fuck coming to the city.. i'm over it.. it costs me $40 in petrol to get there and back plus the cost of whatever's going on.. movie, dinner, drinks etc so bugger you all. i've spread myself too thin.. now i'm exhausted and overworked and almost broke.. anyway going out season is way over.. fuck it's cold out here.. and i've given up on love too.. fuck it.. i'm gonna try and break my two year voluntary celibacy record.. i can't be fucked coming into the city and there's no one round here under 40 'cept the farmhand josh but he's 26 and is still the naughty child type. easy on the eyes though. i'm really behind in my chem and physics. and the place is filthy. i'm so physically tired from the farm work. there's so much to be done and i keep thinking.. i'm sick.. i'm lonely.. usually i'd go stay with my nanna for a few days.. her house was so clean.. she'd make me a big stew and by the time i'd finished it a few days later.. i'd be well again.. well rested.. loved.. in a clean, warm comfortable home.. with her in it. but she's fuckin dead!.. damn her!.. mole.. so i made myself a huge stew.. and put on her dressing gown.. used her old tea pot and strainer to make billy tea with gumleaves in it for the congestion like she showed me.. but it's nowhere near the same. it's so cold in here and crowded with junk and half finished bits of everything.. i'm so lonely. but fucked if i have the strength to do anything about it anymore. i think it's time to just let the madness of solitude take over. i have no energy or cash to spare on being sociable. i'm so angry at myself for getting this place out here sometimes.. but i can always find a reason to be angry at myself for anything.. oh.. i have a question for youse.. out of the two.. which would be better..
1. full time in a chocolate mill.. work weekends.. $14ph.. some customer service.. 30mins drive away
or
2. full time in a bacon factory.. 7am-3pm or 3pm-11pm.. $18ph.. no customer service.. 45 mins drive away
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllp!
cough.. hack.. drip..

whorin' out the wriggler

2007-03-10T09:44:00.000+11:00

hey there just a short one as i gotta go break my back pickin snow peas.. here are some photos of pete and f fleur's maggot.. he was overcooked by two weeks.. and the only reason i find him SO MUCH FUCKING FUN is because i can hand the little bastard back to mommy and fuck off back home to enjoy the silence and a good night's sleep. have met a few hilarious guys on line recently, one of them is shaping up to be fairly attractive to me, as he currently is as obsessed with ninjas as i am.. but he lives in goddam frankston.. oh well.. but here!! baby photos!! with me in them! your lame comments about how i look like i want one of my own just because i'm a thiry something female are invited.. fire away.. *primes F-134 minigun for retaliatory fire*

the snow (pea) queen

2007-02-28T19:09:00.000+11:00

man. i've paid for my new guttering with a solid weeks worth of snow pea picking (bout $7 per hour) it's a ground level crop and you have to search through the foliage to find the pods so you're bent over at a right angle all day, picking, throwing them in the box, shuffling along the row, picking, throwing them in the box, shuffling along the row.. size G tits up top don't help none. if it wasn't for nurofen i would have quit after two days like everyone else apparently does. the 40 degree heat didn't help either, i had to wear long sleeved heavy clothing to avoid sunburn and got heatstroke instead but i've toughened up a bit now actually i started getting there around 630 in the morning to avoid the heat of the midday sun.. going back there on sat to re pick the row so hopefully it's grown back enough to be worthwhile as i get paid per kilo.. ($3per kg @_@ which takes ages to pick then pack) but i get as much free organic produce as i can consume.. which saves me a fair bit on food.. i'm getting pretty buff in the spine and am arising before the sun even on days off so it's kinda healthy even if it is FUCKING HARDCORE. hopefully the peas season will last long enough so that i can earn some money for some real live BENCHTOPS! *sighs wistfully at the thought like 50's housewife*...... tomatoes are coming on now i eat about 5 - 10 per day straight from the bush.. eggplants nearly ready.. capsicums getting there.. beans coming on.. not en masse but enough to feed off. cat ear good. but EW my finger! i slashed it right down the side of the nail on a pea box and then later i busted the nail off and it yanked the egde of my nail INTO THE GASH!! the flap was so swollen by the time i realised that i couldn't cram it back under so now i have this bit of raw meat hanging off my finger.. it looks like chicken mince.. so so gross.. and everytime i even BRUSH the fingertip against something.. the nail moving in the gash just fucking KILLS.. am afraid of getting gangrene actually! or scared that the whole thing is gonna scar up real weird and make the nail go all funny and demented looking.. oh well, gotta eat.. i think i've used about 100 bandaids since it happened.. hope i haven't bagged any of them up with the snow peas by mistake.. make for an interesting stir fry.. here are some of my sunflowers!

pop goes the baby

2007-02-24T16:32:00.000+11:00

FIDEL JOHANNES SMOLINAERS.. BORN 11.20PM 23/2/07 and about fuckin time too. after three days of labour.. the little prick still wouldn't come out so they had to cut her open. noice.. speaking of pussy related shennanigans.. it's time for today's random feline humour!

pick o the bunch

2007-02-17T22:12:00.000+11:00

and i aint talkin wedgies.. i just scored a days work pickin grapes five minutes down the road on an organic winery and produce farm.. FIVE MINUTES DRIVE AWAY.. i don't know if i can convey to you just how happy that makes me.. i used to commute to the city - 1hr and 45 mins EACH WAY.. to get ANYWHERE.. i have to drive minimum 15 - 20 mins to get to the most basic facility.. i have to make sure i have a third of a tank of petrol at all times as- if i wanna go somewhere past ten at night, the petrol station will be shut and the next one is 45 mins drive away.. god i hope they just LOVE me and get me back for more work.. i'm going to work my ASS off monday so they'll wanna hire me again.. guys.. if it wasn't 40 degrees.. i could easily WALK TO WORK.. that is just so deeply convenient that it brings a tear to my anus.. and man.. the place is GORGEOUS!!! and oh did i mention fucking totally certified ORGANIC!!!!!!!!!!! *sighs wistfully, thinking of working way up to manage entire vegetable sector* the guys that run the joint? they are the dudes that are responsible for bringing purple potatoes and other weird trippy heirloom vegetables into australia.. like 15 - 20 yrs ago.. i wonder if any of them are single? damn damn damn.. so so so so happy.. pray for me.. pray they give me lots of work.. it will make me so happy.. i'm so hopeful.. but afraid of getting crushed.. pray while i beg the gods.. i want to work there full time!!! for as long as possible!!! with all the colored heirloom vegetables!! i ate one of their tomatoes today!! man.. i could learn some shit from those dudes for sure.. *floating on cloud but scared of falling* i can't help but hope way too much.

WTF?!

2007-02-17T12:11:00.000+11:00

man everytime i try to log into my blog it only shows this pic of fleur.. no links.. no text.. no other photos.. and when i check it on blogger, the posts are fine! what the fuck is going on? hope this post kicks it back into normal format.. hate puters.

Beelzebubby

2007-02-15T15:33:00.000+11:00

OMFG! it's letting me post photos!!!!!!!!!! look at this gorgeous fat mole. she's now overdue. it doesn't wanna leave the bat cave. must be male.. though i reckon it's a girl but am shit at predicting gender. man she fuckin needs reversing beeps and extra mirrors just to get round the house.. look at her.. too cute.. must DIE! seeing as it's letting me post photos i'm going to now go mental........... but instead of attaching photos to posts of yesteryear, i'll just put them all on with some gay captions so you'll know what the fark they're of.. i can't stop looking at that fat belly!!! that kid is going to have to become immune to embarassment.. we are going to warp it's fragile little mind.. in a good way though. i'm not coming to the city til the bitch goes into labour. it was due on the 11th and apparently your first baby is, on average 8 days late of the due date.. i'm like.. GLUED TO THE FUCKING PHONE! i'm so friggin big kevved it's not funny.. hee HEEEEEEE i'm gonna be an aunty to the bellyfruit of beelzebub!! that's so what i'm calling it.. Beelzebubby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEE *wets pants*

post of photos past

2007-02-15T13:15:00.001+11:00

this is my profile pic for lavalife at mo.. mmm.. attractive.. and yes that IS my own hand..

pod's first known non-rodent/bird/frog murder victim..

duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH CATZIRRAH!!!!!
kazza in drag on new years eve...
me and kiwikaren.. so so drunk...
mr. timmahverse....
new years eve before the pot kicked in...

me and leila after a great deal of green...
pod after getting caught in a rain storm HAHAHAH
levena and paige.. dying of cuteness..
me and the timmanator

he's so wasted he's got chinese eyes!! oh wait.. hehe.. you still haven't forgiven me for messing up your act on new years have you?! poor pickle.
my first alien zuchinni..
this is what happened when pete and fleur's kid grew up, invented the time machine and came back to say hello when he was 49 years old..

BEHOLD! the maidens of drunken costume!!!

sigmund and kana you suck balls that's why you're not here.. nah it's just cause i was too busy making an utter dick of myself on new years to take any photos of you.. hehe.. and cause you suck balls.. love yous all! yay for photos!!!!!!!!!!

pussy penis

2007-02-15T11:15:00.000+11:00

planted out greenhouse yesterday. filled hanging baskets. planted more red spring onions, basil, round golf ball carrots. mulched. fertilised with this stinky composted peletised chook poo called.. rooster booster (!) stuffed zuchinni flowers and microwaved them (i have run out of gas for the burner) and they exploded cheese and herbs everywhere. repotted purple chilli, strawberries, and i think i murdered my healthiest tomato (doh) it was in this tiny pot and it was like.. ten times too massive for it and it was in the shade.. (no good for tomatoes) so i went to pick the pot up to move it into the sun and the thing had sent roots out through the drainage holes and grown into the ground and i snapped them all.. thought.. fuck it.. prolly dead anyway.. so i repotted it into a huge tub but it was already fruiting.. i feel so guilty!! don't think they would have ripened up in the shade anyway though. cat scab shrinking despite daily ripping. i brushed him today cause he was harking up more fur than usual.. i swear when i was done.. he'd lost a fuckin kilo.. there's a baseball sized clump of cat hair.. how can short haired cats (particularly the svelte oriental types) SHED SO MUCH?!.. he is middle aged, perhaps he is balding. i saw his penis for the first time the other day. god cat penii are hilarious. i came out and he was fellating himself on the sacrificial rug and i just lost my shit. i think i laughed for a full five minutes.. he had shrivelled up and slunk off long before i wiped the tears from my eyes so i think he'll blow himself in private from now on.. oh the shame.

earmarked

2007-02-12T18:22:00.000+11:00

and the cat is much better. he's stopped being extra mental.. he still has two ears.. one of them has a large raw wound on it cause he keeps scratchin the scab off.. but i'm no longer concerned he is going to die from venom or blood loss.. hope it doesn't get infected.. if it does i will take him out the back paddock and shoot him and get a real cat. he is a pain in the ass. what was that about pets reflecting their owners temperaments?! just what the fuck are you implying?

crookies from cookies

2007-02-12T17:56:00.000+11:00

jen came up this weekend. i won name the nautiloid as i am ace (it's name is now zoidberg) and earned cookies as a reward. the batch was that big she filled the oven a few times.. when we were shopping for ingredients i was like.. all that chocolate is going into the one batch?! when i tasted one, warm from the oven, i nearly slid into a diabetic coma. couldn't stop stuffing them into my mouth. now my shit has chocolate chips and smells disturbingly good. we ate stuff from the garden. made pita pizzas. made olive and blue cheese quiche. drank the rest of the toxic UNICUM hungarian digestive liquer that i have had for atleast five years (it tastes THAT bad).. watched the old BBC hitchikers guide to the galaxy.. we also frocked up and walked to the isolated cemetery in the next town collecting bones and feathers in the rain.. and MAAAAAAAAAAN ripped off.. i rang the observatory in nearby Talbot and asked what we had to do to get some telescope action.. no booking necessary he goes just look to the sky round nine and make your way here if it's clear.. i said i'd ring to see if it was clear over THERE before leaving.. so i did.. and he goes well, how many of you are there? he went on to tell me a bunch of bollocks that could not fool me into thinking anything other than the fact he couldn't be fucked opening the observatory for two people.. he could have told us before jen decided to stay another night just to go there (like when i actually rang the first time asking what we had to do to get in).. before i spent a few hours begging the clouds to go away, fantasising about viewing real planets for the first time.. even MAKING UP SONGS about how excited i was to be going.. LAME FUCKER!! he's lucky punches don't travel through the phone line. i was LIVID.. poor jen.. so anyway.. if any of you would be interested in a sci fi party that includes a trip to the observatory, let me know and i shall set about organising some geeky fun-ness.. there's also a hedge labyrinth about ten minutes from here that i think would lend itself fantastically to a venetian carnivale day.. but we'd SO have to organise THAT properly.. one zany gathering at a time i guess.. i sense a drop in my mood (or new, crazily high blood sugar level) i must rectify this situation with more of the EVIL cookies of SATAN!

mad catter

2007-02-09T23:55:00.002+11:00

poor little thing. he came in while i was cooking dinner. it was a while before i picked him up. when i turned him around to face me i found his ear and neck all covered in blood with fur missing. he was purring but all weird and struggly. he wriggled out of my arms and sat on the floor SCRATCHING this bleeding wound with his back claws.. really visciously.. he was tearing chunks of fur off with his nails and it just kept bleeding. he shook his head like a dog drying himself off and cat blood went everywhere. i thought well if it's itchy it must be getting infected so i held him down and doused his head with water. cleaned off the blood. then he started twitching. and just going MENTAL scratching his wound like a psycho.. so much blood! i trimmed and filed his claws to stop some of their ripping ability.. but he was just SPASTIC with the itching! i thought well maybe some soothing ointment would help. so i pinned him and smothered him with savlon. which he promptly flicked off. onto my sheets. he got fed up with my meddling right then and when i let him go he scuttled off down the remnants of the chimney.. i can't get to him in there.. but i can hear him shaking his head real fast and scratch scratch scratchin that bite or cut or whatever it is.. fuck.. hope it's not a snake bite.. does venom itch?! oh man if i'm this bad with a fucking cat what am i gonna be like as an aunty?! i just have this vision of him tearing his own ear off overnight.. maybe i should make one of those elizabethan collars that stop them hurting themselves.. can't get to him though.. nng.. if i can find him tomorrow before i go to pick up jen i may have to incarcerate him and take him to the vet.. god i hope it settles down.. i'm going to have to take some of nan's leftover medicine to get me to sleep tonight. poor puss. fuck he's BONKERS!! he's still going!! reminds me of when i got that bug stuck in my ear.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh maybe he has a bug in his ear.. fuck that is a cunty situation.. that'll make anyone postal.. fuck.. that means he's TOTALLY going to rip his ear to shreds.. the fur will fly with fury!

demonspawn

2007-02-05T18:01:00.000+11:00

i got a coupla long lime green stripey zuchinnis! they're supposed to be straight but mine have come out all twisted into long warped C shapes.. so no sex with vegetables for me.. mmm zuchinni flowers stuffed with ricotta and chives.. mmmm.. went to see fleur again.. she's nine months preggers now.. i feel like i am on call.. when it's all born and shit neither her or her husband want to cut the cord so i offerred to chew through it.. and i also told her i was going to hold her down and MILK her if she didn't let me taste her breast milk in my coffee.. there's always more than the baby needs anyway, so what's the probe? i drink milk from a fly encrusted bovine teet, i can atleast TRY my best friends boob juice.. atleast she's from the same species (to my knowledge) can't wait.. i wanna make scones with it. i wonder if you can get cream off the top? mmm lady cream (that actually sounds a tad bisexual) i keep asking her what she's going to season the placenta with before she eats it.. i suggested a crust of moroccan spice.. and a side salad. i wanna be there so when the head comes out i can shout "well fuck me! it's HUMAN!" now we must all hold hands and pray to the goddess of intact perinaeums for her anal and vaginal safety! and that's it. out of pregnancy humour for now.. i can't wait to see the little maggot's blood covered, discharge streaked face.. she's going to do it without drugs so i asked if i could have them. nuh. tight ass.. maybe not for much longer though!! RRRRRRIIIP!!!!!! pray dam you PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

slim pickings

2007-01-22T16:44:00.000+11:00

ok. i joined internet dating site. met about a thousand freaks with names like SENSUALDOLPHIN and SOHRNY4U but after wading through a sea of NO.. i have a few dates with some reasonable sounding dudes that resemble human beings from what i can gather.. the film freak from canberra on tues to see clerks 2.. the games animator with the fro on wednesday for some yum cha.. and there's another guy called suburbanwino i'm trying to squish in before i have to head home to save the cat from starvation.. but i may have to leave him til next week.. all of them make me laugh so it's a good start.. did i mention that i FUCKING HATE DATING?!?!?! i'm crashing at fleur's on tues night so i'll get to see her about as fat as she can get (two weeks til D day) so if it all turns to shit at least i will have caught up with my best mate one last time before she becomes a mother.. eeeeeeeeeeee!!! trying to squish a flick in with jen too but i dunno what's really going on with all parties yet.. the garden is back from the dead after all that rain.. i'm harvesting a meal every second day.. there's still so much stuff that isn't even half grown though.. i think it's going to all come on at once, so we may all be knee deep in purple tomatoes if they actually make it to color before autumn frost kicks in and kills all the plants.. big greenhouse nearly done so that should protect a few of them.. i wanna grow a shitload of melons in there too though.. applied for the job at QR the other day.. took me a whole friggin DAY.. god.. so many forms and questions and selection criteria and faaaaaaaaarrrk!!! i don't know what's going to happen to me.. i have been in a deep depression for about two weeks.. i think it was from being pretty drunk four fridays in a row + alot of smoke.. darn silly season.. anyway.. i'm off to toil upon the greenhouse again.. gardening is a song that never ends.. but man the little yellow squash with the flowers still attached taste fucking fantastic..

what happened?!

2007-01-04T18:46:00.000+11:00

guys i'm just coming round to relative consciousness like.. NOW! look the party was fun but not too wild.. but the leftovers!!.. i greened out for 3 days after everyone left.. just smoked leftovers and watched dvd's and ate leftovers when i got the munchies.. oh well atleast i ran out before the end of january.. imagine that.. "comin down comin down COMIN DOWN.. thump! ok.. out of grass now.. where did january go? why have i grown a beard?" heh.. *shaves a bit* as you can see i'm still a tad fried.. ok. a lowdown of the party for those who didn't get here.. people rocked up hours early, which was sweet.. but meant that i was in the bath.. and hadn't cleaned properly.. heh.. so they sat round and drank and helped me hang up a few things.. everyone was here by bout 7.. i PROMISED myself i wouldn't smoke until after midnight cause it makes me SOOO paranoid and i had a party to host but i had a joint stickin out my mouth by about 5.30 and was just DIVING into the cooking to avoid eye contact.. we had meatballs, apricot chook curry, cous cous, green and potato salad and pav for dessert.. there was baked mandarins with choc sauce later on.. but i was so stoned i forgot to cook the tomatoes and zuchinni and garlic but oh well.. i really should not have smoked.. some of my guests bought cactus juice and i really was lookin forward to a psychotropic night but we were all too lazy to go see the centre of the universe after so much green.. i dressed kana (sig's girl) up as an angel and wanted to dress others.. but then i got high.. i wanted to invent the hat of shame acts.. but then i got high.. are you sensing the general theme for the night here folks?! anyway before i knew it, there was no more cooking to hide myself in.. i was trying DESPERATELY not to be paranoid for the sake of my guests but i FAILED SO BAD!!! i was as jumpy as jumpy the jumping jolly jumper.. anyway i was like.. oh god variety show.. shitting myself cause my act was pretty out there and i was feeling rather inward.. i refrained from running out of the room screaming "get away from me all of you!!" by telling myself that it would be ok because i wouldn't be the first act.. first name outta the hat....................................................MARA.. i seriously think i had a fucking cardiac arrest right there.. i felt like someone just told me my whole family had been wiped out.. so i'm tryin to be brave and my legs were so wobbly.. i got upstairs and once in costume felt way better (god bless costume) then i shouted out 'ok someone please press play on the "burlesque stripper music".. then i came down, got onstage and started to do a striptease.. under my suit i had a red bra with nipple tassles a corset and stockings and garter belt, a small top hat.. heh HEHE! i swung my shirt over my head and threw my pants at people, i got off the stage and shook my rack in sasha's face which embarassed her greatly.. heh HEHEHE.. then i got back up onstage and bent RIGHT OVER as i pulled my knickers down.. ass out to the audience.. i stood up, took the hat off my head, pulled my large prosthetic hairy cock from underneath it's hiding spot in my corset, put the hat over it and turned back to the audience.. i gyrated a bit.. then flung the hat in the air and surprised them, parading my ridiculously large member around before knobbing everybody in the face with it.. then i took a bow and can't remember what i did next.. i may have fled.. i may have stood there talking with my cock out for a bit.. dunno.. mike and leila did the flintstones theme song on bongos and an occarina in animal masks and chinese dressing gowns, sig and kana did a martial arts demo dressed as chinks.. brett read poetry.. and this weird random stoner dude got up and did contact juggling.. jen.. i'm serious.. it was LABYRINTH CITY.. his ball was even CLEAR.. i should have done him up as david bowie before he did it.. but then i got high.. kazza showed us her colonoscopy video, i think i vaguely recall bijohn doing stand up, sasha piking out from fear, i interrupted mick's act so well he was too freaked out to go on.. (nice work me! it was accidental though) and anyone who didn't come prepared had to give us their life story onstage in five minutes.. but dammit now that i think of it.. i should have made them MIME IT.. CHANTER!!! after that there was alot more smoking, alot more paranoia and one known vommitting (there's always one) then we were all in friggin bed by 230 like a bunch of nursing home occupants!! nannas the lot of us.. i got up round ten and made a farmers brekky, then folks started leaving round one i think.. once they started to remember their own names.. the place was cleaner than when they got here.. so i think i should chuck another friggin party.. with proper notice and preparation.. and NO SMOKING for me unless i'm coming down or ready to go to bed!!! if anyone had the presence of mind to take photos (i know someone caught my striptease on tape.. eeeee!) please send me an email, i'd love to see them as i've forgotten what it all looked like.. when was it again? what happened? who am i?!

minorite detail

2006-12-30T12:53:00.000+11:00

excuse obscure monastic pun.. just finished reading "name of the rose" which by the way YOU HAVE TO ALL READ.. so awesome.. i used to love the movie.. now i see it is totally shat upon by the original manuscript.. er.. tome.. codice.. er... book.. yes.. annnnd back to this century- and the turning of another year- forgot MINOR DETAILS like.. oh.. GIVING YOU ALL THE ADDRESS.. expect sms later on today.. i thought of posting it here but then got paranoid.. i mean.. not that any random person could actually find their way here without my help.. i'm serious guys.. CALL me when you get to daylesford unless you have been here before or else you will end up in some inbred backsettlement like creswick.. or you will end up like that cartoon guy that couldn't find his way off the L.A. cloverleaf hwy intersection and had to set up a hot dog stand and live there.. except there will be no traffic, no phone reception, and no people so you prob wouldn't be very successful selling hot dogs and we'd find you years later just skeletons pointing to a hubcap on which is scratched "i love you mum. sorry" and how crap would that be? answer = pretty crap.. omg i am soooo procrastinating about getting the cooking and cleaning underway.. i don't wanna! *sighs* procrastinates some more.. nnng.. bleargh.. wibble.. guh.

stage 1 fright

2006-12-28T16:59:00.000+11:00

ok. new years party stage one. preparation. decoration. gathering of food needed to cook comestibles. madly scrabbling to put act together. shitting self that people will arrive and go.. "oh my god.. i blew off the hundred other cooler things i got invited to.. to come to this sad little hovel?" which i highly doubt anyone would think but am shitting self regardless.. i call it host anxiety. not that any of you are diseases or sucking parasites or anything.. just a reminder that in the interests of your own comfort you gotta bring bedding.. pref an inflatable mattress or camp roll if you can.. or fight others that came unendowed for the rug or fold out couch.. also.. any mood lighting would be appreciated.. if any of you have access to or own a lava lamp, strobe, smokey thing, uv light, fountain lamp, disco ball or colored lighty-watchamacallits please commandeer them! it's going to be small but i'm attempting to make it relatively ambient heh.. i may however fail miserably.. so if your expectations are low, you should at least be pleasantly surprised! if it looks like it's going to be hot.. bring bathers, as the beautiful (but freezing) lake daylesford is 15 mins away and cures hangovers immediately (by replacing them with hypothermia) if you don't bring bathers, you will most likely look like me, who goes in clad in a tshirt and daggy cotton undies.. also.. i have to reiterate that not only is there a variety show theme, but it's a COSTUME party as well, but don't stress, if you can't get a costume together you will at some stage of the night become part of "let's dress those guys"-a special ritual only possible in the home of a theatre costumer.. and don't forget your act.. remember the hat of shame looms.. and i know it's hard to come up with something.. so i'm really not going to make you fornicate with a goat on stage if you just can't produce anything of your own.. but remember.. it's all about embarassing yourself so anything you come up with will do, however lame.. i can't wait.. i'm waaaaaaaaay to excited.. sue me. i just LOVE embarassment and awkwardness.. for which i apologise extremely insincerely. see you guys sunday.. as long as it's after midday.. rock up for a bit of daylight in the country if you feel so moved.. ciaoooooo!!!

child labour.. ALRIGHT!

2006-12-20T17:47:00.000+11:00

god i'm tired.. i'm bored too.. i just had the son of a mate over for three days.. i used to babysit him when she first popped him out.. now he's fucking 16!!! i left him alone for about 3 hrs and when i got back he'd cleaned out the datto, raked up a wheelbarrow full of brick and mortar chips, moved an entire pile of chimney rubble, cleaned the kitchen and whippersnipped the long dead grass. i wonder if he wants to move in. apparently i will also score some help with the paving too. i'm not used to help. it just feels weird. i offerred him some petty cash for his labour and he said no. i felt like asking why he was being so nice to me. i'm just not used to it. i feel like i've taken PG rated advantage of him. but i'm sure i'll get over it.. i think he's a bit bored on his school holidays and.. well.. help is fucking AWESOME!!!! it almost makes me want to adopt.. wait.. actually no it doesn't really but i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow when he's not there with my plunger full of industrial strength freshly ground coffee.. placing it, a soup mug, the milk and sugar on the bedside table and tentatively pushing the table right up to my sleeping face so the plunger spout is a centimetre away from my nose.. awww.. he really does know how to wake aunty mara early in the morning without risking involvement in a postal episode.. *sighs happily* child labour rocks..

t-t-t-t-T-T-TTTOMATOES!!!!!!!

2006-12-12T00:15:00.000+11:00

FINALLY!!!! after about SIX FUCKING months of back breaking hard yakka, i have TOMATOES!!!!! they're still tiny and green but.. I HAVE TOMATOES!!! black russians (blackish maroon ones) and jaune flamee (orange cherry ones) are in sight.. stripey ones are in the wings.. all the shit in my green house has stopped being eaten.. i moved some pots around in there the other day and found out why.. i have pobblebonk frogs in there!! (their real name.. say it in a really low voice.. pobblebonk pobblebonk.. it's the sound they make) they are EATING all those murderous chewing, egg laying, insect fucks that were wiping out my seedlings.. hurrah for adorable amphibians.. hey my mate fran told me about this hilarious documentary she saw called "tourettes summer camp"... (0)_(0) ... can you imagine.. oh i got home from ballarat today and pod had killed ANOTHER young rabbit on the rug.. except this time he had thoroughly disembowelled it all over the floor.. a half chewed stomach here, a shiny, slimily packed colon there.. half a skull.. wtf? you have prime tender young rabbit haunch right there, perhaps a breast.. or festy offal and scratchy, sharp bone.. which one would you choose?! HE EATS THEIR LEGS OFF... WHY? i went to scratch my face just before and it stung like ass cancer.. i looked in the mirror.. and i'm sunburnt as all hell.. must've been the 20 minutes i spent in the outdoor gardening section of bunnings.. 20 minutes i tell you.. there's this really cute checkout guy there, he's black as midnight, i'm thinking about him now.. frollicking naked in the sun.. without ever having to worry about spf.. bastard

roll up roll up 4 NYE

2006-12-04T22:41:00.001+11:00

come one come all to NEW YEARS EVE celebrations at the church in the middle of nowhere!! bring spare panties, pyjamas and pillows cause driving out to butfuck idaho spells S-L-E-E-P-O-V-E-R.. instead of just a straight costume party, el churcho will be sporting a VARIETY SHOW theme on the altar stage, for which you are all required to perform an act.. musical, comedic, poetic, re-enacty, demonstrative, sacrificial or perhaps pornographic (will supply livestock on request).. use your fucking imaginations! those who come unprepared must perform an act from ... dun dun DUNNNN.. the HAT of shame.. which i advise you strongly not to subject yourselves to-as i have a very sick imagination.. multiple acts are encouraged.. shower before you come (tank water + drought = limited aqua hospitality) and bring your own intoxicants as i will be supplying as much dinner and breakfast as my wallet will allow.. no cops, no neighbours, no fuckin worries, let's run a fuckin muck.. and remember DON'T FORGET YOUR ACT.. and RSVP by 26th december...
ps. if anyone has a DECENT stereo system/speakers/microphone, even karaoke machine.. please volunteer it's services as i only have a CRAP ten year old portable which simply will not do.. anyone with any trippy lighting, strobe, disco ball etc please also offer up.. i have sweet FA entertainment-wise so any props will make it better for us all! laaaateeerrrrrrrrrrrr

dogpaddling the internet

2006-12-04T22:26:00.000+11:00

micky lee hath fixed the electric behemoth (my computer) and it's still going really slowly on most things.. which just proves that satellite is utter utter shit.. two companies have alerted me that broadband is now available in my area but when i rang both of them up, they said they'd have to get back to me after they did some research into whether it was available to my PARTICULAR area.. wtf?! how come i get phone calls and promo junk mail and shit, and when i ring up to go fuckin sign me up NOW.. they go, oh wait.. not only is there some doubt as to whether you CAN actually get it, but our systems won't tell us yes or no and we'll have to ring you later, perhaps thursday? round four? *gnashes teeth* one of them got back to me and said well what you'll have to do is apply to switch contracts first, change all your details, research all the different plans and pretty much sign up. then if it's not available in your area, we'll send you a letter saying sorry. another bloke rang and left TWO messages on my machine saying i just want to chat about availablity of the broadband you rang about.. AND DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME YES OR NO!!! he just asked me to call him back!! seriously.. maxi gay.. i just want to surf the net- not dogpaddle it.. if it EVER comes to my area.. i'm signing up for the fastest shit ever.. no reason i should skimp on my connection to the outside world..

the tonkinator

2006-11-27T22:23:00.000+11:00

my cat is tonkinese.. i know i go on about him a bit.. but well nothing much really happens out here.. so shutup and read or get fucked.. he killed a friggin rabbit last night i put it under the oak tree.. i woke up this morning and he had killed a fat mouse and left it for me on the sacrificial rug.. i put that next to the rabbit under the oak.. then i was gardening and i went to check the mail and there he was sitting a metre from another murdered rabbit.. only he must've actually been a bit lunchy cause he had gnashed off the front of it's neck and its two front legs.. it was covered in flies.. when i picked it up it's head hung eerily from a bit of neck fur. what is it with cats and necks? anyway i put that next to the other two victims.. that oak tree is gonna have alot of blood and bone this year.. i promised that when he killed enough fauna to make a complete circle of death around the flora, i'd treat him to the vet as he will have clearly earned his keep. cute native birds and frogs will result in the removal of one carcass from the tally.. magpies and cockatoos are ok.. but i'd love to be a fly on the wall when he tries to take on one of those viscious swooping/nut stealing bastards.. he got the munchies and devoured a gorgeous blue wren a few weeks ago.. he left the feathers on my bedroom floor.. and a leg.. i just don't know how i can teach him to discriminate between animals that i think are cool and animals that i want him to kill as slowly as possible.. *sigh* i planted a whole bunch of seeds today to replace all my little babies that were eaten alive in the last few days.. i sprayed. i sprinkled. i covered. fuckers got me dancin that's for sure. i will not rest until EVERY LAST ONE IS FUCKING DEAD.. anyway you guys HAVE to check out "charlie the unicorn" it's a pisser that my mate levena sent me.. shun the non-believer!!! go here immediately! >>>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFP0q4qzGw4

you can't stop the murders

2006-11-26T23:17:00.000+11:00

woah. my cat is like.. death cat.. i was making vietnamese rice paper rolls last night when i heard an EEEEEEEEEEEE screeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE squEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and all this scrabbling and commotion and i went WTFIT?!?!?! walked out into hallway and there's pod with a fucking RABBIT in his jaws... in the livingroom. i shit you not. it was a really cute fluffy kitten rabbit maybe a third grown.. and it was still alive.. every time he put it down, the rabbit would just lie still and bore him.. not like a mouse that runs and leaps and tries to escape at every available oppotunity and is therefore heaps more fun for him to terrorise.. it would just be still until pod walked away then after a minute or two it would recover from fear paralysis and get up, try to run but pod always caught it.. jumped on its back and bit into its neck with his cat fangs and it would screech like a motherfucker. dam cat takes an hour to bat a mouse to death, a rabbit was gonna take all friggin night.. i usually take the mice off him and drown them in the sink to stop the torture.. but man.. this little fucker was so cute.. pod let him run into a corner and he was so terrified he was trying to jump up the walls to get away and screeee EEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEching all the while, so i got a towel and picked it up and held it for a while trying to psych myself up to kill it humanely but whenever i looked at it, its little nose twitched. i could feel its petrified heart thumping through the towel.. it was like the cutest thing ever.. but if i let it go.. it would fucking decimate my garden.. man.. i rang my mum- which is not normal- to get her to reinforce the whole "gotta kill it" perspective. she goes "mara. a rabbit in your garden is not your friend" i'm like DUH! me and my brother and father would go out rabbit shooting at night with a spotlight when i was a wee girl.. when one of us shot a rabbit and it was still alive.. i couldn't leave it to die slowly in agony but my father and brother were fine with it, so it was always up to me to get out of the ute and kill the poor fucker with my bare hands. as i was pretty small and had limited strength i couldn't perfect the karate-chop-to-the-back- of-the-neck-while-holding- it-by-its-back-legs technique preferred by farmers.. seriously i tried that many times but just hurt my hand alot and made it heaps worse for the bunny! same with the old put-the-head-under- your-foot-and-pull-the-back -legs-till-its-neck-goes-pop routine so - i became a basher. i would find a rock. i would pick the injured rabbit up by the back legs, pat it, then swing and swing and swing until i was sure its little furry head was dashed in completely and it could no longer feel anything. but this little guy wasn't hurt. he was just scared. i thought maybe i could drive for ten minutes down the road and set him free.. then i snapped back into the real world, and headed for my axe.. but he started to struggle in the towel.. i held him tighter and he went still again and started to breath in these really deep open mouthed gasps.. i looked at his little body and there was a tiny bit of blood from the fangs but not much visible damage.. but he just up and died in my hands and spared me the trouble of butchering him. he died of fright. i forgot how floppy dead rabbits go. their heads just lol on their necks like they're broken. i held him upside down by the legs and the next thing you know, pod's leaping into the air with his claws out and starts punching into it's head like batta batta ball bag down the gym. i felt sad. but it was just so funny. i'd put it on the floor and he'd bat away at it, trying to get a reaction.. tossing it around on the sacrificial rug pretending it was still alive.. the sick fuck.. i took a couple of photos of him with it but computer is neutered i can't post any photos.. then i took it outside and put it under the oak tree.. i feel like i had a hand in murdering the easter bunny.. oh and i'm going to execute every last one of those seedling chomping, stalk munching mother fucking insect fucks.. my rainbow silverbeet, my basil, my new capsicums and eggplants a few tomatoes, peas and squash, half my broccoli seedlings, some coriander and just about all my beans zucchinni and sunflower seedlings have been munched off right down to the ground. little green stalks are all they leave behind.. just enough poking up out of the ground to let me see something was once there before they FUCKING ATE IT..those little cunts are gonna die.. i got organic pesticides.. i'll poison them with derris dust and pyrethrum spray and i'm going to make chilli spray and burn them and they're all going to pay.. they ate the flowers (the things that make the fruit) of my tomatoes!! they chomp into my strawberries.. oh they're all gonna fucken die.. every last one.. i hate bugs. except ladybirds and worms and daddy long legs. i need an army of frogs.. i think i will build a small pond.. oh and i bought my green house back from the dead.. with alot of gaffa tape and copper pipe from the tip.. anyway this is draggin on but don't they always.. if you've made it this far you either have no life or are a true friend or both. ta ta!

idiot savant.. with extra idiot

2006-11-24T10:01:00.000+11:00

fuck me. i dunno whether to laugh or cry. well i've actually done both in the last few hrs. i rang the open uni correspondance people.. i had to defer 'intro to physics' a month or so ago cause with intro to chem simultaneously, i couldn't keep up.. which is weird cause usually i take on twice as much study as is recommended and ace fucking EVERYTHING. no joke. i am learning girl. that's why when i realised i couldn't juggle only two science subjects at once, i started to think that maybe i was heaps dumber than i had been led to believe. maybe getting on the presidents honor roll for my A+ average in the US for that years worth of subjects i did in three months was some kind of mistake. maybe americans just have a lower academic bar.. i really began to accept that somehow i was of below average intelligence.. i just couldn't understand the science subjects. i would read, and re-read, and re-read, and re-read, and get on the net and search and search for layman's explanations of these alien terms.. it seemed every sentence contained something i was required to know but just didn't. i had to hit my ancient dictionary several times just to make sense of a SINGLE PARAGRAPH in the text book/s. regardless my assignments and tests came back at around 90%.. but seriously.. i gave it everything to get that.. which sucketh.. as usually when i give it everything i have, my marks are off the scale. i couldn't understand why i was still getting around 10% of my answers wrong, after putting in such colossal effort. and why i was so BEHIND.. even though my marks are fine, why am i only halfway through the 4 month unit when i study so hard? the final exam is next week! why am i learning this so SLOWLY?... now i know. before i started these two science courses, i spoke to a student advisor who, after assessing my previous performance at college in the US told me just to jump straight into chem and physics and that i would certainly be fine. i don't think he realised that western history, sign language, BASIC algebra and the other six classes i took, had definately NOT given me a solid background in the sciences.. and the only science i took in high school (15 yrs ago) was psychology, which is more of a humanity than a science. so....... i called the co-ordinator saying that i was just having awful trouble understanding my tutor's comments (she does everything SO differently in comparison to the textbook), and that the way she answered any questions i emailed her confused me so much, that i had stopped asking her as i was afraid of the replies. they made me feel like i was being spoken to in chinese.. the co-ordinator looked at my file and said, well it doesn't say here on your record, so could you tell me where you did chem and physics in year eleven and twelve? i was like.. um.. i'm taking "INTRO to chem" and INTRO to physics" because i DIDN'T do them in year 11 and 12.. she was silent for a bit. so was i. then she insisted i tell her how the hell i had managed to get this far, with such high results, without any foundation knowledge. it still hadn't really dawned on me, so i said.. but aren't 'INTRO' courses supposed to GIVE YOU A FOUNDATION?!.... she goes "um...no..."........... *_*.......??? WTF???...."then why are they called "introductory" courses?".... "oh they mean 'introductory' at university level.. this is what you would take if you had done these sciences in VCE and wanted to extend that knowledge to become a scientist...." well fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she told me that i shouldn't be too upset.. she said i had managed to write a story in a language i didn't even know how to speak.. but i still felt the overwhelming urge to kill her.. so much EFFORT! all that horrible horrible suspicion that i was a complete dumb ass, because after the third time going over something, i JUST didn't get it... i'm serious guys. it really fucked my self esteem. if i wasn't such a stubborn bitch cunt, giving up is what i'd be doing right now. but it looks like i'm going back to high school. i can't fucking believe it. lucky i can do it through CAE for cheap.. they have a subject over a period of a whole day per week, instead of 40 mins four days a week in an actual high school.. but it's still going to take me TWO FUCKING YEARS. i'm so disappointed. there are no intensive courses where you can just do yr 11 and yr 12 physics in 6 mths. you have to do it stretched out as if you had four other subjects to do simultaneously. same time frame as if you were doing your WHOLE VCE. which is a fucking joke. it's a fucking joke that really isn't very fucking funny..and i don't know how the hell.. man... CAE is in the city.. my garden, my cat, my home is out here.. a home that needs me to get a job to keep making the payments.. even if i commute to the city twice a week by train.. how am i going to support myself for two years?! i'm so pissed off! man, it was agony, but i WAS getting there.. but now i have to throw it all away. i have taken one step forward, now two years worth back.. on one hand i feel like a bit of a genius. on the other i just feel like an idiot. same ol same ol really. why do they make it so hard to learn? i just want to know about stars. it's like pushing shit up hill with my purple toe. anyone would think i was trying to assassinate the american president. god knows i'd have more support in THAT venture than i do in this one..

the black toe and the maelstrom

2006-11-22T17:45:00.000+11:00

this is the first time i have been online in 3 days cause my puter's rooted.. got chem exam on the 30th so won't be doing anything about it til then.. am cramming like a motherfucker.. and last night i was huddled in the hallway wedged between a wall and my fridge, in the dark, as there was a friggin CYCLONE outside.. the power was out for three hours.. the storm lasted for about ten hours, it twisted and ripped my steel greenhouse frame apart like toilet paper.. yet in the eye of the storm, i retrieved the cat unharmed, albeit a little wired.. sheet of steel mesh fell on my car, branches got ripped off my trees, styro containers full of dirt and seedlings got flung into the air and smashed on the ground, my wheelbarrow was glued to the wire fence from the sheer force of the gale at one stage.. and i went round the back today and the wind had picked up a few small logs from the firewood pile and BLEW THEM ACROSS THE YARD. LOGS I TELL YOU. the width of my thigh and nearly as long.. ofcourse all my mulch (not the cheapest stuff ever) got blown into oblivion, but most of my plants survived.. i found them bent over from the blasting they received all night but still with flowers and still alive.. underneath the wreckage of the greenhouse.. it was fucking wild dudes.. trees were horizontal.. chunks of plaster were falling off my wall from up high.. the roof held, don't ask me how.. at one stage when it started to get real bad i tried to go out in it to reinforce the lashings of the g'house to the ground stakes, but i was hit by flying twigs and shit that cut me they moved so fast. it was like they were shot out of a gun.. and not ONE DROP OF FUCKING RAIN!! RIPPED OFF!!! i ventured over to the neighbours this morning to trade war stories and they said in thirty years of living here.. they had NEVER seen it that bad.. on my way into town, i saw tree after tree had been ripped apart.. the SES must have been very busy last night hacking it all up to get it off the road.. some people had lost their rooves.. it wouldn't have surprised me if a sheep had sailed past my window.. unfknblvble! oh and the night before i was studying and i was engrossed in the text book and i saw something out of the corner of my eye and when i looked it was a HUgE hAIRY SPIder about to crawl on my leg. the text book was flung into the air. so was the calculator. i leapt into the corner of the room and was so terrified i thought "what if it crawls toward me? i won't have anywhere to go!" so i leapt up onto the coffee table and thought "what if it climbs up the LEGS?!" so i leapt over the wicker chair into the middle of the room and my little toe caught on it and when i landed i saw it was sticking out of my foot AT A RIGHT ANGLE i shit you not.. i swung between "woah! that's SOOO weird!!! COOL!!!" and "ew ew ew ew ew ew ew hurt pain ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew paranoia of permanent damage ew ew ew ew ew ew" so i manhandled it a bit and it wouldn't stay in it's normal position.. funny thing was.. i could WIGGLE IT INDEPENDANTLY!! like the bits that usually connect it to the movements of the next toe got ripped.. anyway i rang the hospital and asked what i should do and i told the nurse i had done it leaping away from the world's largest domestic arachnid and she pissed herself laughing at me then said : ice pack.. bandage.. elevation.. panadol.. then i said oh man i can't even run away from it if i see it near me again.. so i hunted it down amongst the bits of my livingroom and killed it twice.. double ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.. i prefer the throw the phone book ontop of it from a distance, then scream like a little bitch and run away tactic, it's quite effective. unless you don't like a thick coating of insect intestines covering your phone books.. ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.. so anyway my toe is totally black it's fucken wiggy as!!! and i'm hobbling around for the rest of today trying to repair my poor torn greenhouse.. should be studying.. oh well.. life's fulla should be's.. hooray for plant survival.. i love those little guys.