Friday, July 24, 2009

car thievery fail

i can't fuckin believe how much less exhausting life is when you don't live in a cluttered shit dump.. and when you are warm.. it's so much easier to get out of bed when you're not blowing smoke rings with your breath in the bedroom.. it's so much easier to get motivated to bathe.. and cook..

yay.

and then.. i get to the train station from school last night and someone had tried to break into my car. many of you know the camira. it is a piece of shit.. let me tell you the story of the shittest car thief that ever was..

one day a completely incompetent fuckhead laid eyes on the crappiest car in ballarat and said to himself.. i think i'll risk jail time to ride in that.

FAIL

he then tried to bust into it by inserting something into the lock of the driver side door.

FAIL

(the driver side door lock has been fucked for years.. i have always had to unlock the passenger side, get in, lean over and unlock the driver side door from the inside) so then he decides to insert something into the passenger side lock. he gets in the driver's seat, trying to start the car by inserting something pissweak into the ignition.

FAIL

he becomes frustrated and tries to force it in with his foot, bending the steering column and indicator lever.. and still..

FAIL

he rifles through the glovebox, and coin tray and finds nothing..

FAIL

he leaves defeated by a 1986 camira with no suspension and one headlight.

FAIL

seriously.

EVEN I KNOW HOW TO BOOST A FUCKING CAMIRA.

anything pre 1990:

YOU WILL NEED..

coathanger

screwdriver (flat head)

rock (bout the size of a grapefruit)

METHOD..

1. insert coathanger hook between window and seal, jostle til caught, pull upward.

2. insert screwdriver into ignition

3. hit with rock

4. drive away

honestly; car thieves of today. it's just sheer incompetence. so now as i drive one elbow is straight and one elbow is bent as the wheel is tilted inward (bent steering column) and i dunno it's gonna come off while i'm doin 100 k/hr or what.

also my knuckles are always hitting the indicator lever as that's bent inwards as well.. almost enough to be stuck in the steering wheel..

and i can no longer push the button down to lock the front passenger side door. so i can no longer lock my car.

also i have to bash the key into the ignition with a hammer and it's stiff as a bitch to turn it to 'start'..

add no shock absorbers, one headlight, a melted pizza disaster going on in the fuse box, no demister, no heater, rotten seals that means there's always a puddle in the passenger side footwell, a failing alternator and the fact that since the attempted fuck-knob-robbery the engine has cut out while i've been driving around corners and i guess i'll have to admit that i'm looking for a replacement car.

the home is now liveable. it's time now to somehow wrangle a functional vehicle out of the world machine. if anyone knows of anybody selling a half decent car at a half decent price please let me know.

i can't be without a car out here.. especially in winter when it's so dark and cold and wet and hitch-hiking with groceries would be impossible. and it's only a matter of time before the old girl runs her last mile.. *is worried*

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