the plague-she spreads

i remember when i was studying costume years ago.. i had more than a passing fixation on the "plague wear" of the middle ages.. particularly the get-ups of travelling physicians (plague doctors). wearing some pretty hardcore protective gear was the only way people would trust you weren't importing disease from out of town into their homes.. even if plague was already inside their walls..
The creepy beak was stuffed with protective herbs and the wearer could only inhale air after it had passed through them via nostrils at the far end.
I say bring back the creepy beaks. they look heaps cooler than those gay ass medical masks that don't even fit your face.

In case you hadn't guessed i have the sickness. i'm pretty sure it's not the bubonic beast but it's the second time i've been sick in two months and it's pretty much the same thing. this is not normal. i'm a tad worried so i'm goin for a check up as soon as i'm well enough to fuckin be bothered.. it's a little far away and there is much waiting and the doctors are crap.. so they prolly won't pick up anything anyway..

god i hate medical centres where they make you wait for an hour, sit you down, don't have the time to properly examine you, precribe you the most generic blanket cure (weak antibiotics) then push you out the door as the next person's coming in.. i dunno. hardly seems worth the travel into town.

apparently there's a cool bunch of young women doctors out near my mum and they have a pathology nurse that actually comes to the clinic so you don't have to go elsewhere for a blood test.. but they're out in frakkin warburton which is about 3&1/2 hrs away.. still it may be worth it.. i dunno..

it's gotta be somewhere between an iron deficiency and ovarian cancer right? meh. i'll just have a historectomy. not like i need those bits anyway. plus then i'll be able to fit into my old jeans heh.. i've been worried for a while now. then again i've been terrified i had breast cancer before but it just turned out to be cysts.

i get terrified alot. i dunno why it's not like dying would be such a terrible thing.. i'm not particularly attached to this plane of existence but it's the months of pain beforehand that scare me. i suppose when you've nursed someone through the sufferring and seen the whole process up close; and just how little can be done; it's bound to play on your mind.

my nan died.. but my dad went through chemo and radio.. then it came back and he went through a second round.. and there's no guarantee he won't have to keep going through it again and again. cure my ass. quite frankly i think i'd rather fucking die.. throwing up and wasting away and feeding through a tube in your stomach is no life. nan had the right idea when she went "fuck that just gimme the morphine." but then again she was 83 and dad's in his early 60's..

who. fuckin. knows. it's hard to contemplate your own demise. well.. one that's not of your own doing. to be at the mercy of chance.. gets riskier and riskier with every passing year.

sigh

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