TURD of the GOLDFISH... SHAZAM!

yes i'm still crapping on about the weekend.. gimme a break how often do i get out you pack of insensitive cunts. so. mates want home.... bed. mara want alcohol. everyone get more alcohol at insistence of mara. there is much sitting. many sighs... then i realised this weird blonde guy that looks about forty, who i thought was a total fag, has been lurking around me for like the last few hours.. jen has the sterling idea that her last round of drinks should be substituted with breakfast at golden showers. mara stops trying to force fucked, tired mates to party and we all head for a farmer's breakfast.. the blonde guy, who we've said goodbye to about ten times already is still hanging around like a rank onion fart, at this stage i'm pretty wasted and realise he's been holding my hand for twenty minutes.. whatever.. i couldn't be arsed telling him to fuck off. we eat. he's still with us. he tries to lure me to his house "i'm a gentleman" "i have pot" "i'm just a lonely guy" (who hangs out alone in bars populated almost solely by people who wear only underpants and flog each other) we're saying 'ok we're going now'.. and he keeps FOLLOWING US... mick dubs him goldfish turd.. because he's like the string of poo that hangs out of a goldfish's ass and follows it wherever it goes.. we leave blonde dude in street.. what is it with me and really ultra NON-HOT guys?- i attract them like a bug zapper.. clueless fucks.. next day i visited a mate in hospital who had a baby a few days ago. she's only 22. it was SO unplanned cause a few years ago she had some surgery and the doc told her that as a result, she wouldn't be able to have kids.. so she didn't bother with contraception then... HELLO! top work Dr Full-O-Shit! she had an emergency cesarean so her vag is still intact but i told her these filthy jokes and she was like "NO! don't make me laugh! the stitches will pop and my womb will be hanging out".. she's still so young.. she told me :"i didn't like being pregnant. it was gay".. priceless.. that baby is going to have an interesting parental experience. soooooooooo tiny.. she's underweight but healthy.. while i held her, she started to cry so i leant over her to make some cutesy noises and she grabbed at my boob! fuckin little pervert.. newborns are a pisser to watch but fucked if i want one.. glad i can go home and get uninterrupted sleep, and not have to worry about all the poo and nipple chomping..