the war on hairballs

ok. so lately my cat has been dry wretching every half hour or so.. sometimes to the point of barfing. it came to a head when he let loose on my pillow and walked off without even re-eating it. when i told him he was a cunt, he just started to wretch again so savagely that i thought his asshole was going to come out his mouth.. it was that violent. so i went to the pet shop in ballarat today and got his fave food as he has been subsisting on the best stuff i can get from the supermarket in the nearest town.. which is shit.. furball control my ass.. so anyhoo i get in there and i go to the shop girl "hey my cat makes noises like he's trying to cough up a hotel.. alot.. hairball?" she nods and hands me this tube of shit called CATLAX. cruel practical jokes i could play on gunny and catzilla leap to my mind as i ponder the tube and i have to stop before i burst into mick's evil cackle.. so i ask the girl.. "will his but go all exorcist in the livingroom?" and she looks at me with that worried smile.. the one people flash at me when it's clear i'm being a little too no-frills. i say "he's sooooooo going to hate me for this" and she goes "no you don't have to force it into his mouth, you simply squeeze on his paw and he'll lick it off" i stopped myself from saying 'no he'll hate me from the OTHER end'.. anyway SCORE!! his little chicken flavoured pellets had a special offer going.. FREE CAT TUNNEL!! so the fun really started when i got home.. i put the sack of pellets on the floor so he'd stick around through hell or high water and i scooped him up.. the audio clip "simply squeeze from the tube onto his paw" was looping in my brain as he struggled and waved his paws about unaccessibly. so i got forceful and held his little claw as he yanked and yanked trying to break free, i squeezed the required two or three centimetres worth on his forearm and paw and triumphantly smiled and let go. then he did that thing that cats do when you put stickytape on their feet.. he shook his paw really fast and furious and the black slug size gob of feline laxative went sailing through the air and landed with a "plock" sound on the wall.. it's still there! how very unhygienic.. 'simply squeeze'.. what's so fucking SIMPLE about medicating a cat with ANYTHING?! he ran off but had to come back for the food!! i tried squeezing it directly into his mouth, which was about as effective as trying to demolish a house with, oh... a severed head, then i got nasty and held him down and smeared it all over his front leg. after limping around flicking his limb like an epileptic, trying to get it off his fur, he was licking for about fifteen minutes, periodically looking up at me to see if i was going to pull any other shifties on him.. which i did. same thing again on the other leg, hopefully it wasn't too much or he'll be pooing like a german porn star!!! probably on my pillow.. that'll make me look back on the days of barf with downright FONDNESS.. so i apparently have to do this to him every day till he stops harking like an emphysema patient. after he ate i whipped out the cat tunnel, hoping there would be peace between us. but no. i thought it would be the tunnel of love, but it is only the tunnel of silent revenge.. i called him.. i made kissy noises.. i stuck my arm in the side hole and rattled it, making scratchy noises, trying to lure him, promising pats, rolling it all over the livingroom floor so the little furry dangly things inside jittered attractively on their strings, talking to him through it.. fuck i even stuck my head in it. but all he would do was look up indifferently then bend his head down again and lap at his front paws even though all the catlax was gone, he was saying to me "oh you want play-plays now? yeah, um.. too busy, i dunno... LICKING!" which i suppose is fair enough. especially since i have the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow, he will be in a world of colonic dysfunction.. OUTSIDE!! oh god OUTSIDE!!! i wonder if it will have hairball sticking out of it?! i have this recurring image of him crouched in the defecating position while a stream of brown liquid shoots into the ground super soaker style, while his eyes bug out in worried surprise.. but somehow i don't think it's going to be that severe, but i can dream. atleast he's not a dog.