the millstone
less than two weeks ago i felt incredibly happy. aware. like i had something to contribute. like people liked me. like i had heaps of friends. like i was lucky. like my life was going in the right direction. and those of you who know me well are aware that this kind of satisfaction with life is nothing but the precursor to a dive... i never know whether i am alone in this type of wave like motion.. it's like my mood is some circular function..
proceding upwards...
plateau..
proceeding downwards...
plateau..
repeat at intervals that are just a bit too long for the pattern to be detected and therefore accurately mapped...
or just really make it interesting by flipping magnetically to the inverse of the function so that the times when you expect to feel at balance in the middle between sad and happy-- actually become asymptotes.. points in space that don't exist- as they have no value- where you can just go off the deep end forever falling toward infinity and never quite getting anywhere... your path never quite becoming straight - the gradient never constant.. forever askew like some maddening unplumb line in an H.P.Lovecraft novelette...
anyway the mice here are reaching plague proportions in the walls and they keep me up all night tearing, tearing, tearing little strips off the old newspaper insulation in the walls to make their nests. hidden away from pods sharp claws. i hear them squeaking and scraching all day and all night.
sometimes i take a shoe and bash the walls and shout at them and they stay silent for a minute or two but then they realise i can't get in so they just carry on. the good thing is it motivates me to keep the kitchen spotless as i don't want to give them one scrap of food. so they eat my tomatoes off the plants. and pod's chicken pellets. and the wood panelling. shit all over my benches and chopping boards so i can't do any cooking without wiping everything down with hot soapy water first.
so i'm going to poison them all.
it'll be expensive and very very dangerous for pod but i've had enough. my favourite brand of mass murder is called "talon" bait blocks. they are blue waxy squares that you can throw behind cupboards or under floorboards or even nail to a wall. they contain an insanely powerful anticoagulant... i used it when i first moved in here.. i used to accidentally stand on the mice that had eaten it and lay dying.. for some reason they head for wide open space when this shit kicks in.. which is bad because if they stagger out into the open pod will most likely eat them which in turn will kill him...
it looks like a fuckin nasty way to go... i have watched several victims. as i understand it the anticoagulant messes with all the molecular bonds in the blood.. it gets thinner and thinner until it actually starts leaking through membranes and organs and veins and eventually dribbles out of the pores. death by haemmorhage. afterwards the little corpses look as if they have punctured but they actually have no wounds.. they just bleed from everywhere.. especially their hands, feet and faces...
so as you can imagine.. i don't really want that happening to pod. but the time for mouse traps and glue trays is long gone. i'm not even making a dint in the population. it's that damn hay shed next door. they just won't stop coming and now it's getting colder it will be worse. so short of nuking the place i can't come up with any other type of attack that will get rid of them.
so yeah at the moment i'm pretty sure i'm a total pain in the ass to everybody, that i am somehow worse than you, less valuable... someone to be avoided... a user... a loser... someone people like you, who are clearly better than me, have to put up with. which is utter bollocks but the id doesn't hear logic. it just feels.
every second word will be "sorry" soon... as i shuffle through life ashamed, like my personality is something to apologise for.. and if you jump on board my psychosis god help you... if you for one second believe that you ARE better than me somehow... that i AM unworthwhile... that i AM some kind of loser or user; a lesser person... i will drag you down with me and drown you in my sea of shit and you will fucking deserve it.
don't believe the hype.
don't let me convince you i am anything less (or more) than your equal.
ever.
.
proceding upwards...
plateau..
proceeding downwards...
plateau..
repeat at intervals that are just a bit too long for the pattern to be detected and therefore accurately mapped...
or just really make it interesting by flipping magnetically to the inverse of the function so that the times when you expect to feel at balance in the middle between sad and happy-- actually become asymptotes.. points in space that don't exist- as they have no value- where you can just go off the deep end forever falling toward infinity and never quite getting anywhere... your path never quite becoming straight - the gradient never constant.. forever askew like some maddening unplumb line in an H.P.Lovecraft novelette...
anyway the mice here are reaching plague proportions in the walls and they keep me up all night tearing, tearing, tearing little strips off the old newspaper insulation in the walls to make their nests. hidden away from pods sharp claws. i hear them squeaking and scraching all day and all night.
sometimes i take a shoe and bash the walls and shout at them and they stay silent for a minute or two but then they realise i can't get in so they just carry on. the good thing is it motivates me to keep the kitchen spotless as i don't want to give them one scrap of food. so they eat my tomatoes off the plants. and pod's chicken pellets. and the wood panelling. shit all over my benches and chopping boards so i can't do any cooking without wiping everything down with hot soapy water first.
so i'm going to poison them all.
it'll be expensive and very very dangerous for pod but i've had enough. my favourite brand of mass murder is called "talon" bait blocks. they are blue waxy squares that you can throw behind cupboards or under floorboards or even nail to a wall. they contain an insanely powerful anticoagulant... i used it when i first moved in here.. i used to accidentally stand on the mice that had eaten it and lay dying.. for some reason they head for wide open space when this shit kicks in.. which is bad because if they stagger out into the open pod will most likely eat them which in turn will kill him...
it looks like a fuckin nasty way to go... i have watched several victims. as i understand it the anticoagulant messes with all the molecular bonds in the blood.. it gets thinner and thinner until it actually starts leaking through membranes and organs and veins and eventually dribbles out of the pores. death by haemmorhage. afterwards the little corpses look as if they have punctured but they actually have no wounds.. they just bleed from everywhere.. especially their hands, feet and faces...
so as you can imagine.. i don't really want that happening to pod. but the time for mouse traps and glue trays is long gone. i'm not even making a dint in the population. it's that damn hay shed next door. they just won't stop coming and now it's getting colder it will be worse. so short of nuking the place i can't come up with any other type of attack that will get rid of them.
so yeah at the moment i'm pretty sure i'm a total pain in the ass to everybody, that i am somehow worse than you, less valuable... someone to be avoided... a user... a loser... someone people like you, who are clearly better than me, have to put up with. which is utter bollocks but the id doesn't hear logic. it just feels.
every second word will be "sorry" soon... as i shuffle through life ashamed, like my personality is something to apologise for.. and if you jump on board my psychosis god help you... if you for one second believe that you ARE better than me somehow... that i AM unworthwhile... that i AM some kind of loser or user; a lesser person... i will drag you down with me and drown you in my sea of shit and you will fucking deserve it.
don't believe the hype.
don't let me convince you i am anything less (or more) than your equal.
ever.
.
so sayeth mara - church wrecker at 12:12 PM
3 Comments:
Is there someone who can catsit while the poisoning is happening? BTW, come over to our place next time you're down and we'll fill you full of food, drink and fun times, in an attempt to divert your mood somewhat.
the thing is when you bait.. you have no way of knowing when the mice will start munching.. it could take a minute for them to locate a block.. i can't see where they are inside the walls.. it may take a week or a month for them to find some of them.. i think i'll just try a bit of a block at a time.. and tie a string to it so i can retrieve it when i leave... i mean god.. pod haemmorhaging to death.. not high on my list of "shit to get done"!
thanks for the divert- i can't see the forest for the trees.. i keep thinking that no-one can help and that i should lock myself away but that may just be "the state" talking.. then again it COULD be very true! can't tell from here. nav. systems down.. at any rate a place to crash wed night would rock.. i have to get to school by *gasp* 8am for an excursion for chem to.. i dunno.. somewhere.. it's another SAC thing.. yeesh.
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