Tuesday, April 17, 2007

spill guts not blood

i have lost heaps of weight from being sick and just eatin vegetable stew.. all my pants look like clown pants. there is a scary amount of room in my bra.. think i'm down to an E cup! positively WASTING away i tell you. pickle came out here.. he made that weird yet delicious pork mince stew thing.. and bought out a chocolate babka.. i made pot cookies and we also drank and smoked some salvia.. SO FUCKING HIGH! we danced around the kitchen like little kids at a music festival and hallucinated a bit then ate waaaaay too much. next day we drove around butfuck towns but i was too paranoid to get out and mingle with any other humans.. i think i was high for three days.. pickle.. you're such a bad influence heh.. and NO! he didn't come out here cause i was all emo on my last post.. we had planned it a while ago.. by the way.. it's called VENTING people!! after whingeing my cunt off.. i had a really happy sociable week.. i'm going to talk about this now and if you all freak out then fuckin check your heads.. i came as close as i have ever been to committing suicide just before i posted last. i was reaching for a pen to write a quick goodbye. when i stopped myself. i thought about how i would do it.. i wanted to slash my cuffs and watch all the blood run out in the bath.. (too many zombie movies).. then i thought.. fuck! it'll be a fuckin MONTH before anyone finds me! i'll be a fuckin SOUP! i thought of the maggots.. and i felt concerned about the ick factor i would inflict on the finder of my carcass.. and who the finder may be.. how long it would take the cat to realise he better actually START CATCHING MICE as i wouldn't be able to feed him.. how long it would take the garden to die.. the electricity to get cut off.. the food in the fridge to go rotten.. the mail to overflow.. i called lifeline (i didn't want to inconvenience any family and friends by waking them up to dump all my shit on them).. and when i realised i just needed to whine and probably wasn't actually going to act.. i became embarassed and apologised to the counsellor and went to hang up just incase someone who was really about to top themselves was trying to get through.. and he kept me on the line.. and i didn't know why.. but now i do.. my point is this.. whether you're in a church in the middle of nowhere, in an intimate relationship with someone or surrounded by a crowd of beautiful happy people.. you can still feel totally fucking alone and if you're really really down.. you just have to express yourself.. no matter how stupid and emo and embarassing and fuckin inconvenient it is to you, your friends, your family or the random phone counsellor. just fucking talk.. yes some people will totally freak the fuck out when you do talk (or type) as they won't understand that by venting all the negative crap.. you're actually moving away from it.. if i was going to commit suicide the last thing i would be doing would be talking about it.. if i was dangerously depressed.. you wouldn't hear a thing from me.. suicide eventuates when you DON'T talk.. so talk.. talk MESSY.. and don't be concerned when i do! luv yas..

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, my god, Mara. You have totally read my mind but then taken the jumble of ideas in there and clarified them all out.

Please allow me to talk messy for a minute, if I may? My mum is facing a situation where she has confided in me that wants to die, and has even started to start the planning stage. It's all a bit to hard for me to go through it with her. Not because she's my mum, but because it reminds me how she still has no idea that I once hung myself.

I'll let that one sink in before I say to you that my bull-neck (my robustness! :P) and the fact that I couldn't for the fricken life of me remember any of my knots from the Scouts (I quit not even 2 years before I tried this, my memory FTW) are the blessed reasons I am around today.

Was I a whiny bitch, complaining where I had no reason to complain? Was I emoing around the place when I had no right to be? I don't think that anything I said or did had no justification, I don't think I was being unreasonable. I'm just glad that my curiosity is so goddamn strong.

Literally the only reason I didn't try a second time that day was that I realised that I wanted to know what we were going to learn in Science class the next day. Hey, it was fascinating stuff! I didn't have anything to lose by waiting to see, and I could always try again the next day if the pain got too bad. And so my life went like that for years until I found someone I'd live for, someone I wouldn't off myself for, just in case it hurt them. Then I found another, and another, and so on.

But seriously folks, when you are depressed enough to actually try to take you own life, sincerely, and you then fail because you are so pathetic you can't even die right ... Yeah, that's what low is, took me an hour to move from the floor.

Mara remind me to give you a FUCKING HUGE hug next time I see you, 'cause I think you are one of the coolest chicks I know and my life would be severely diminished were you not to be in it.

3:22 AM  
Blogger cupcake girl said...

bi-john is right...you are one of the coolest chicks I've known, even though we hardly see eachother. You crack me the hell up and I love my little Mara poo.

3:02 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I get the loneliness thing. I could live in the same street as all my friends and family and still feel like the loneliest person on earth.

Good on you for deciding to let it all out. Also, being considerate of the people who'd find you is probably a good sign that you're not bogged down enough in sorrow to kill yourself. So is thinking about who'll be the first to raid your books and CDs, and what artifacts you own that you wouldn't want your parents to find (but enough about my hobbies).

10:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just breath and remember.. like the eye of a storm you are both the inner calm an outer chaos.. life is the cusp.. breath.. remember.. you're self then, now, an still to come.. just breath.. remember.. now EXPRESS!

12:24 PM  

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