Sunday, August 16, 2009

hell of mirrors

it's nearly spring i'm supposed to be full of energy! i managed to weed the turnip patch a few days ago.. but yesterday i got up at 8PM.. that's 16 hrs sleep.. and i was so exhausted i ended up going back to bed 4 hrs later.. i dunno what's going on with me.. i'd say it's depression.. fatigue or oversleeping is a really common symptom.. i don't feel depressed though but that's the nature of the beast isn't it? i only know when i'm coming out of it; that i've actually been IN it..

and having read my last few posts i'm wondering have i actually detected it while it's here for once? what the fuck am i supposed to do about it? counselling is shit.. it just makes me cry and really does no good in the end.. i don't need someone to hear what i think is causing all this.. because it's not that i'm poor.. it's not the stress of vce.. it's not loneliness.. it's not any of the things i would be led into crying about in a counselling session.. because if i was well in the head.. i'd be able to deal with all those things just like everyone else deals with their own particular problems.

depression renders me unable to deal with life effectively.

so what's the point in crying to some stranger about what i logically allocate as causes.. when it all has NOTHING to do with logic at all? i'm dysfunctional because there is a chemical imbalance in my brain.. anything i could label as a reason isn't really the cause. the chemical imbalance is.

mental illness is like a hall of mirrors.. haunted by memories.. flooded with obstacles that clutter your way, without actually existing.. you want to go forward.. but all you see is a reflection of yourself surrounded by ghosts and walls of junk that won't let you pass..

everything inside you tells you that you are stuck fast.. hemmed in by the corners of furniture and car doors and suits of armor and pianos and the 2D cold hard glass version of yourself looking back at you with disdain, forcing you to remember every instance where you have behaved badly... forcing you to focus on your guilt and your shame like you have those fork things holding your eyes open..

there is never any way out. until it is finished with you. and when it is.. you'll know because you will suddenly be aware that the prison cage made of evil things holding you still: isn't solid; isn't actual.. you will suddenly know that what you see is a trick and even though logic tells you that if you walk into a mirror it will crack and cut your face up.. you know that the mirror in front of you isn't really there.. and you walk forward and it all evaporates and there you are standing in the supermarket.. or the street.. wondering how you fell for it AGAIN..

and you know you should feel brave for conquering this installment of "hell bi-monthly" but as there is no real proof you've actually done anything.. it's hard to pat yourself on the back.. especially because you feel so damn gullible.. and deep down you know that it wasn't you that heroically burst through the illusion.. it was the illusion that temporarily let you go..

maybe it was bored with you..

sometimes i watch my cat playing with a mouse.. he'll keep it in a corner, consumed with mortal terror, then after a while.. he gets bored and lets the poor wretch escape so it can run and he can catch it again.. just to keep things interesting.



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