temperament of a see-saw

dudes. i have been feeling unseasonably good for the last week. whenever i feel unseasonably good and dance nude in the rain and shit.. it usually results in me paying for my short lived ecstasy with a whole bunch of burning in mental hell.. which i found myself doing today.. i was scratching my face with jagged nails and wailing like a banshee.. it was that uncontrollable i felt really dangerous like i could just instantly do anything.. like a really bad anything.. that's why i fucking hate it when i start to feel good about life.. because i know i'll feel twice as bad shortly after.. it's like in that movie "city of angels" where the main character, an angel guy, falls from grace to be with a mortal woman he has fallen in love with.. then she gets killed like a week later.. and he's left alone in a cold new reality.. when he's asked if it's worth it he says something like "it was better to have touched her and felt ecstasy for one moment, rather than living an immortal life without it for eternity" which in an achy breaking heart kinda way is true.. but he had a choice man.. he CHOSE.. he made the move to feel that ecstasy.. i don't have that choice.. it comes jumping so briefly into my heart without my consent and leaves an agonising, burning stain in it's wake, and if someone asked me if it was worth it.. i'd have to say it doesn't fucking matter, because i cannot regret a choice i never made.. i just re-read what i wrote and i sound totally fucking bi-polar. up, UP, UUUUUUUPPPP, down, DOWN, DDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN... and DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN... and then MORE FUCKING DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN... into the red with all the other souls tearing at their own genitals and eating them, chewing on their own arms and legs, madly savaging their own faces off and ripping clods of hair out with eyes showing way too much white, anyhoo that's me for the day.. sweet dreams kids! oh my broccoli, silverbeet, bok choy and a bunch of other stuff has sprouted which is good cause by the sounds of things.. i need to eat more greens.