depravity of teh sleeps

i am so tired. i went without sleep last night just to finish an assignment and i just finished one due tonight. plus the exhausting reality of looming exams is HEAAAVYYYYYYYYYY.... i don't even really have much to say right now, my head is SO fuzzy and my teeth hurt, every part of my body is scvreaming SLEEEEEEEEP but bed's just not happening. prolly only posting cause someone commented on my last jizz, someone's still fucking reading this?!

meh anyway i had a "mini stroke" (TIA) about a month ago, had expressive aphasia; couldn't talk for about five minutes then kept saying the wrong words for shit. (the one i really remember was pointing at a chair, and in my head i said "why the fuck can't i say 'chair'?" and i looked at it and tried really hard and the word "skiing" came out instead. so fucking random. it was HEAPS of fun akshully, but the following pressure from everybody that resulted in me eventually going to hospital to get jabbed by needles and have my brain scanned wasn't so enjoyable, the insides of my arms were bruised purple for a week. doctors shouldn't give injections. they should let nurses do it, as they know what the fuck they're doing.

yeah you shoulda seen my mum's face when i told her. she came up here for 5 days to see floriade, stayed in my dorm room. normally we'd be fighting by the end of the second day tops but she was SO NICE to me HAHAHAHA! i should tell her i've just had a stroke every fucking time we hang out!

anyway yeah anyone who's reading has prolly already heard this shit and i got nuthin new as i'm pretty much brain dead right now so imma fuck off.

so long since i've been to church.

ok. so. i got a seriously kick ass score for vce. got into the uni of my dreams. moved to friggin canberra. but only for eight months of the year. and i'm nearly through my first year and i'm doing really well. scarily well. i think being a success at physics is just a matter of getting real COMFY WITH FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY no fucking idea about what's going on.

so anyway i'm in the middle of a two week break before classes resume for three weeks then stop as it's the end of year exam period. the math one is worth 50 fucking per cent. turns out advanced physics is FUCKING HARD. who'd a thunk?

i'll be back in my church in about seven weeks. but there'll be no chooks. and my beloved pussoir is gone. so it'll be pretty fucking lonely. but i won't have internetz and no landline and thanks to the switching off of analogue teev, no telly either. which suits.

really.

i noticed a severe drop off in my grades from EXACTLY when i set up the tv and got a laptop and internet access. my urge to study just PLUMMETED. if i want this whole moving to fuckin canberra thing to work i have to study at night all summer instead of frakking around on facebook or watching re-runs of the simpsons.

no kidding, the grades are good, but it's SO HARD. if i actually studied properly it would be so much easier and i'd want to get up in the morning and pour my brain into the problems at hand instead of thinking of them like they're some agonising torturous chore, that i only direct the bare minimum of effort to. i feel like a friggin fraud. i can't tell you anything i've learnt with any conviction i've just bumbled through learning what i have to at the time then i pretty much forget it. the interest just isn't there. granted at this stage the knowledge is pretty fucking boring most of the time, like i could give a fuck about electronics... but still... if it's necessary, i usually make myself learn it even if i don't feel like it, but if the net is there or there's tv to watch, i just never get around to it and when the assignment is due or the exam is to be taken, i just cram malevolently, hating every fucking minute of it... i can't keep that up for eight fucking years.

i want my curiosity back full time... none of this part time shit where it disappears when there's serious fuckin work involved.

anyway i doubt anyone ever reads this blog anymore... i can't even remember the last time i posted, i've been pretty friggin negligent with it since facebook and twitter took off really... but i think i'll start rambling again. it's therapeutic.

i'm going to throw a do at the church when i get home. with heaps and heaps of good food. hopefully some of you can make the trek.

miss you guys.