Friday, May 26, 2006


dudes it is not my week. a few hours ago i found out my dad has cancer! i don't really like the guy but it's still not something i'd class as good news.. especially since i live closest to him by far.. oh well la la la! i knocked down about half the chimney left in my bedroom today.. the knocking down bit was awesome fun as usual but carting the bricks down the stairs and dumping them round the side of the joint is an absolute ball breaker.. i've got a large plastic tent around the area it's infront of my bed.. so i'm protected from atleast SOME of the dust.. but there's a huge hole where said chimney used to pass through the ceiling and this leads to the roof cavity.. which is very draughty and filled with possums.. i got up into the roof today to check it out wishing i had a shotgun.. the rafters look ok but there's a triple layer of cedar shingles sandwiched between the rafters/battens and the outer corrugated iron.. the shingles are half perished.. they are over a hundred years old after all .. and now the mystery of the daily huntsman is revealed.. when i first moved in here i saw and killed a huge fat hairy huntsman spider atleast ONCE EVERY DAY.. it got so bad i was thinking "i should put up a chart called 'today's huntsman' to track where they like to appear and at what time, etc" there were really an ungodly amount of the creepy fucken things.. i lost sleep.. i still shake out my boots and towels before every use.. when i asked around as to why my place in particular had to be so festooned with them and their egg sacs.. alot of people said it was indeed strange as huntsmans live between layers of wood.. and i didn't really have wood round the joint.. well it appears THAT I FUCKEN DO!!! i think if i got rid of all the wood up there, the global huntsman population would drop sharply and perhaps cease to exist which i would consider a fabulous occurence.. tomorrow i must venture to evil creswick (town of the cursed speeding fine) in search of a huge amount of agi pipe for the drainage system and a bunch off thin pvc pipe to make a greenhouse skeleton.. i'm also starting up a vermiculture unit (worm farm) as worms rock out in the garden.. leather pants, tight lycra, mini bibles.. they're hardcore

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

ugh nnnng nehhh

man i'm losing motivation.. today was such an awesome non titty freezing day that i spent most of it outside in the sun sketching and measuring and mapping where the huge drainage system was going to snake around the property.. i played a bit of guitar.. i pondered stuff, i ate alot and generally did fuck all, which is pretty shameful as i've been bludging since mid monday and there's such a swimming pool of shit that needs to be done.. the sun's gone down and instead of knocking down the inside bit of my chimney i'm on the computer typing crap.. i feel so tired.. i'm doing all this on my own and it's like i'm trying to move a mountain.. up another mountain.. whinge whinge.. latest tax.. this just in - i have to replace my guttering as it's pooling in the middle and rusted through in parts.. the fun just never stops.. think i'll go and put up several metres of plastic to protect the bare untiled walls and have a bath that will flow out into my backyard and make a muddy pond.. hurrah!

Monday, May 22, 2006


sigh.. the last few days i have been ten metres up an elevated work platform demolishing my faulty chimney.. and a few days ago, my fiance and i called it quits.. it's been a rather freudian situation that has indeed sucked but it beats blowing up a train that's about to go into a tunnel.. moving right along.. so anyway as i tow this cherry picker back to the church, it's swaying so wildly behind the car that i'm convinced it's going to rip the friggin towbar off.. i get home and while reversing the behemoth its rear wheel drove over - and cracked - the mystery slab, (a strange concrete rectangle of unknown origin in the lawn) wedging itself into the trench underneath, and it had to be pulled out with 4wd.. but the rest was all fun and rainbows.. no shit i reckon i could demolish stuff for a fucking living.. i had to get into this safety harness.. to prevent death from falling.. i wore it all day.. twice.. THE PAIN.. for once in my life i'm glad i'm not a man.. the groinal chaffing was almost on par with the agony you would be in if you actually didn't wear the harness and just fell off the fucking tower.. and that's without the added bonus of testicles complicating the situation. so i get into "the basket" and flick the "rise" switch and i'm thinking gee this is really smooth and when it was fully extended, it stopped and i thought i was going to be flung into the next town.. it jerked around like a psycho in a straight jacket for a while, as i quietly wet my pants clinging to the basket cage 10 metres in the air.. then i had to go sideways. honestly i thought i was going to die. as someone with a bit of a chemically imbalanced mind, i thought i knew the meaning of unstable- until i got up there.. it felt like i was looking down from the head of a brontesaurus skeleton.. for the first few minutes i was just trying not to breathe as every movement caused the basket to wobble and bob, but as being scared became tiresome i began to appreciate the wonders of mechanical engineering and thought - well if two fat guys can get up here and work on a powerline i should be ok.. ten minutes later i was leaning over the edge swinging a mini sledge hammer and tossing shattered bricks over my shoulder and by the end of the day i felt like i needed a beer and a shave.. the next day i got up there again and attached a sheet of clear polywhatchamacallit over the hole in my roof and now i have a skylight.. which is a bonus, but when i towed the monster back to the hire shop yesterday i found that the newly discovered trench under the aforementioned mystery slab was infact a place where all the kitchen water went via pipe.. that would be alright... if it wasn't right next to a support pilon.. now i know why that corner of the place is sinking.. there's a grey water well sitting near the foundation.. so taxing discovery number 458669001.. i now have to dig a massive trench all the way around the property just inside the fence line and connect waste pipes from the shower, laundry, sink, dishwasher and bathroom basin to something called an agi-pipe- then lay that in the trench.. agi pipe is a long tube with small holes in it designed to distribute waste water evenly underground so it doesn't collect anywhere in particular and erode the place.. atleast the grass will always be green.. as long as i bathe and do the dishes regularly.. cough.. but right now there's a huge hole filled with old rotting coffee grounds and dishwashing suds that needs to be addressed so hooray.. i may not have love anymore.. but i've got a SHITLOAD of work to keep me busy..

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

god is angry

hello .. i live in the middle of nowhere.. in a church.. that i am renovating.. by myself.. LIKE A FUCKING CRAZY WOMAN.. i worked my ass off working two full time jobs for years to get this place, my first home, so i'm determined to succeed in transforming it from a cracked fucked falling down dust trap mouse haven with bats in the roof into a veritable temple of pure awesomeness.. i have given up approximately five thousand times, and i've only been here a year.. thankyou.. thankyou.. you're too kind.. i started this blog to document the insanity that is renovating a place where you actually LIVE.. so that i may look back on it if ever i wish to try it again.. anyway today's drama goes thusly.. god heard me talking to the carpenter about how i wanted a large titted sphinx as a gargoyle placed right where the crucifix used to be "down with cock worship!" i exclaimed while punching the air .. (hey man THEY knock the crucifix off the top when they sell a church to a commoner.. so they're fuckin askin for it i say) shortly after expressing my wishes to the bemused tradesman, it came to my attention that the chimney,(built thirty years ago by a totally incompetent whacko) is sinking within the foundation perimetre of the church,( built 130 years ago by experts) and is consequently pulling the attached wall, roof and loft floor out of kilter to such a degree that complete destruction is inevitable unless it is completely removed.. FUCK i tell you.. the thing is a monster several metres wide at the base and towering around ten metres high.. on friday i am hiring a cherry picker for the weekend, towing it here, and rain hail or shine i am taking that motherfucker down brick by brick.. which should be a reasonable amount of fun but then there'll be a gaping hole in my roof just in time for winter and when i take the 5m by 3m INSIDE section down.. it'll be like living in a place made entirely of dust.. with extra dust.. and some fucking dust ontop.. the thing is a metre from my bed.. the carpenter told me i'd have to encircle it with huge sheets of plastic to cordon it off from my living areas or i would not be able to stand it.. i can hardly stand this place NOW! i'm already surrounded by bits of wood and metal and bags of podwery stuff and sheets of whatever and piles of this and boxes of that and bits of machinery and yes the odd pheasant so there.. this may be my first and final post as i may die from falling alot or choking on the dust of a thousand bricks, buggered if i know.. it's just the next huge mission really.. mark my words god - still puttin the sphinx on.. and her titties will be bigger than ever..