the wall

god everywhere i look it's fail!

i have tests looming. so i sit and watch an entire season of something i like.. followed by an entire season of something i don't really like at all until my eyes go fuzzy and my fridge is empty and i'm surrounded by dirty dishes and i have eyestrain from watching tv for the last 12 hrs straight.

and all the while i'm telling myself "just one more episode and then i'll get to studying"...

i'm not going to make it.

this is not one of those instances where i leave everything til the last minute and still get A plusses. i need to develop study habits that DO NOT SUCK... because for the next seven years, i'm going to need to be trying my best.. not seeing how late i can leave it and get away with it..

god i'm so tired of this shit! it's not like i'm even relaxing when i'm procrastinating! the ENTIRE TIME i'm stressed out and there's a loop in my head going "I need to study why aren't i studying i am so lame for not studying right now jesus i need to study why am i not studying?!?!"

i don't even know how many people read this shit anymore it seems like every clown has left blog town.. but if you are reading this.. please.. i'm asking you for a favour.

i need you to kick my ass.

seriously.

and i'll prolly hate you temporarily for it but will dig you more in the end.

please.

from now until exams are over (they finish late nov)

if you see me twittering or on facebook, i'm procrastinating. please comment. be harsh. i need some tough love. i never had anyone to do that for me. most likely it's because i grew up with everyone around me convinced that if they tried to tell me what to do i would tear their fuckin faces off...

lack of strong father figure blah blah blah whatever.

i'm not asking you guys to be daddy. i need a fuckin lethal drill sergeant.

i just can't seem to do it alone.

i need to learn discipline.

i'd rather learn it from people i know aren't just trying to program me to kill foreign people in their own country.. people i can trust..

so please.. just keep sending me messages/emails/comments i don't care how it gets to me just i dunno send a fuckin telegram just please send something.. OVER and OVER.. when you're bored just send it to me again.. and again!!!

I HAVE HIT THE FUCKING WALL

just like a marathon runner.

all can do is sit on my stunned ass and watch all my hard work go down the toilet..

so please i really really need your help.

YES YOU.

i really need you to just keep repeating yourself over and over..

WHY AREN'T YOU DOING HOMEWORK./THERE'S ONLY WEEKS TO GO./ GET UP./ YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING NOW/ GET THE FUCK OFF FACEBOOK..

please i just want to get through this shit to a successful standard.

help.

hell of mirrors

it's nearly spring i'm supposed to be full of energy! i managed to weed the turnip patch a few days ago.. but yesterday i got up at 8PM.. that's 16 hrs sleep.. and i was so exhausted i ended up going back to bed 4 hrs later.. i dunno what's going on with me.. i'd say it's depression.. fatigue or oversleeping is a really common symptom.. i don't feel depressed though but that's the nature of the beast isn't it? i only know when i'm coming out of it; that i've actually been IN it..

and having read my last few posts i'm wondering have i actually detected it while it's here for once? what the fuck am i supposed to do about it? counselling is shit.. it just makes me cry and really does no good in the end.. i don't need someone to hear what i think is causing all this.. because it's not that i'm poor.. it's not the stress of vce.. it's not loneliness.. it's not any of the things i would be led into crying about in a counselling session.. because if i was well in the head.. i'd be able to deal with all those things just like everyone else deals with their own particular problems.

depression renders me unable to deal with life effectively.

so what's the point in crying to some stranger about what i logically allocate as causes.. when it all has NOTHING to do with logic at all? i'm dysfunctional because there is a chemical imbalance in my brain.. anything i could label as a reason isn't really the cause. the chemical imbalance is.

mental illness is like a hall of mirrors.. haunted by memories.. flooded with obstacles that clutter your way, without actually existing.. you want to go forward.. but all you see is a reflection of yourself surrounded by ghosts and walls of junk that won't let you pass..

everything inside you tells you that you are stuck fast.. hemmed in by the corners of furniture and car doors and suits of armor and pianos and the 2D cold hard glass version of yourself looking back at you with disdain, forcing you to remember every instance where you have behaved badly... forcing you to focus on your guilt and your shame like you have those fork things holding your eyes open..

there is never any way out. until it is finished with you. and when it is.. you'll know because you will suddenly be aware that the prison cage made of evil things holding you still: isn't solid; isn't actual.. you will suddenly know that what you see is a trick and even though logic tells you that if you walk into a mirror it will crack and cut your face up.. you know that the mirror in front of you isn't really there.. and you walk forward and it all evaporates and there you are standing in the supermarket.. or the street.. wondering how you fell for it AGAIN..

and you know you should feel brave for conquering this installment of "hell bi-monthly" but as there is no real proof you've actually done anything.. it's hard to pat yourself on the back.. especially because you feel so damn gullible.. and deep down you know that it wasn't you that heroically burst through the illusion.. it was the illusion that temporarily let you go..

maybe it was bored with you..

sometimes i watch my cat playing with a mouse.. he'll keep it in a corner, consumed with mortal terror, then after a while.. he gets bored and lets the poor wretch escape so it can run and he can catch it again.. just to keep things interesting.

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chippies!!!

ok so i'm coming home last night, it's a bout midnight i'm driving along a potholed road in the bush and i was having an imaginary conversation with someone that actually prolly exists, about something i can't remember and i feel this crunch.. like i bit into.. a crumb of something hard and i was like WTF? i don't remember eating anything.. my tongue found nothing in my mouth so i thought nothing more of it, then i went to chew on my bottom lip and there was something there.. it was a chip of my fuckin front tooth!

i look like i've been in a barfight. oh it just had to be a front one didn't it? it's sharp too.. cuts my tongue.. yet for some reason my tongue just wants to keep running over it.. anyhoo so i have to book into the dentist which i fucking hate so i've been procrastinating about it all day. this is my last resort. after this there's nothing for it but to call the fuckers and prepare for a damaging bill. i'm pretty sure it's just the filling bit that's chipped off not actual tooth but i'm sure they'll find some way to charge me alot, they always do.. and i wasn't going to renew my health insurance this year! haha! yay..

and i suppose while i'm at it i better get a check up and blood test, i'm just so run down and sad and incapable of physically functioning.. i think i've had nurofen for blood for the last three weeks.. i dunno.. i eat so well and i'm on spirulina and fish oil and vitamin c and a berocca every second day so it's not like it's a nutritional issue.. i've been putting it off and putting it off..

guh.. i just hate the medical profession. they tell you "x" is wrong and you just have to take their word for it and there's no way you can check for yourself.. it's like a housewife taking her car into the mechanic.. atleast 50% of the time the guy's gonna say "oh well you need this and this and this done" so he can charge her whatever and she can't check. she just has to trust.

i don't do trust.

not when it comes to business.. which is what medicine is.. particularly dentistry..

my mum went to the doctor the day after an incident that resulted in a visit to hospital for something that ended up being fairly standardly harmless (turned out to be gall stones which heaps of people have) and the doctor said "oh we'll have to take out your gall bladder it will mean you can no longer eat blah blah and some other side effects and i've booked you in for the surgery in three weeks time"...

we have learned since that this is not in ANY WAY necessary.

i hate modern medicine.

they just want to keep the industry alive by doing as much shit to you as they can, even if you don't need it.. not that you can TELL that you don't need it.. you have to already KNOW.. or else you'll just do what the doctor says because you're afraid not to; i mean they have your best interests at heart right?

i mean they'd never prescribe you a drug you didn't require or subject you to the dangers of surgery unless you absolutely needed it right?.... RIGHT?!?!

They'd NEVER try and re-attach your mother's mangled arm after a car accident, by taking skin and nerves and muscle from all the healthy parts of her body, even though they were well aware she would never be able to use it as her shoulder was permanently dislocated, and they'd therefore have to re-amputate it along with all the other healthy bits they wasted, just so they could give trainee doctors some practice in microsurgery.. right?...........

Right?

RIGHT?!?!?!

eggsac

the chooks are startin to lay again.. they have lush new feather coats after moulting.

i really need to whippersnip the grass..

i keep finding BULLANTS around the sink.. always curled up in the dishcloth and last night.. i pulled back the doonah and there was one just hanging out in my bed!! plus a bonus hornet.. if i cut the grass i'll be able to find the nest and obliterate it.. i just have no idea where they're marching from.. god they're huge.

and hornets pfff don't even get me started. those red, bulbously assed motherfuckers are everywhere.. i killed about ten last night. must be a nest in a nearby tree.. they are from hell. you swat them.. they get up and buzz off like nothing happened.. you swat them REPEATEDLY and they stagger for a bit but are generally unharmed. i've swatted a few of them so hard their heads have come off and the seperate bits have still been moving when i walk past like ten minutes later.. the little antennae still waving around.. so fucking creepy.

anyway i've been studying trigonometry MADLY for the past three days straight and i swear to god i need glasses my eyes are fuzzy with triangles..

i have a methods sac on antidifferentiation (if you don't know.. don't ask) tomorrow.. then a sac for english the day after then ANOTHER antidifferentiation sac for specialist the day after that.. and i haven't even started with the DIFFERENTIATION let alone the antidifferentiation.. but from what i can gather it's pretty easy.. cept for the specialist shit that incorporates alot of trigonometry INTO the calculus.. cause one subject at a time would be too easy.. fuckers..

anyway i have such uber eye strain i'm really loathe to start squinting at more numbers but FFS i better start like.. YESTERDAY..

still coughing up chunks of lung now and again but for the most part i'm better.. just in time to get to school without being prepared at all.. i'd like to say i can rest after this weeks mad testing catch up but i can't cause there's ANOTHER fucking round of sacs NEXT WEEK for which i will have four days to prepare..

then again.. it's only three months til exams then i'm free for like a month or two to figure out where all this shit will take me! canberra? sell church? bendigo? open uni? i never really wanted to do correspondence schooling EVER AGAIN but the more i hear about university these days the more i realise that it's all pretty much correspondance these days..

i mean you can download a lecture and listen to it in your own home.. or you can turn up to uni and sit and listen to a pre-taped lecture there.. i really wanted to be able to bounce off a live person who knew what the fuck they were talking about.. a professor of the knowledge i want.. but there is a massive skills shortage as far as science teaching is concerned so they all fuck off overseas where the money's better.. don't blame them.. it just means.. well.. i guess i'm just pissed off to know that i'll be getting into an ungodly amount of debt for just a piece of paper.. i thought uni would be about connection with like minded people you could learn from.. but not now..

it's a business and they will give you what costs them the least and charge you the most. ah well. i suppose racking up debt is just modern life for you really isn't it? you're either doing it by having kids or a mortgage or an education or combinations of those..

i'm just so sick of worrying about money. sometimes i think about inheritance and actually yearn for it. that's how bad it is right now. i'm actually inadvertantly wishing my dad would shuffle off the coil before he pisses his recent inheritance up against the wall.. he's not really living anyway. and it's not like i want the guy around he's an asshole. but i still feel so dirty for thinking like that.

sigh. you think your life is hard now? mm. well it just gets harder. and harder. and harder. until the crushing weight flattens you. and just when there's hardly anything left of you as a person.. that's prolly when the money will arrive. you'll most likely find out you have cancer the next day.

why is the air like custard?

OH H h hhhhHHHH my god omigod omigod omigod omigod i am so so so ill.. i'm so sick i'm actually a little scared.. i have to keep reminding myself that doctors only SAY they can help you.. if i could drive 45 mins then wait in emergency for hours (saturday night) i know damn well they'd just give me antibiotics too weak to do anything then send me on the 45 min drive home.. om gom gomgomg omg omg omg.. now it hurts to look at the screen .. ah gad.. i'll prolly be well enough to go to my tests next week after not having been well enough to study all weekend.. FML

the plague-she spreads

i remember when i was studying costume years ago.. i had more than a passing fixation on the "plague wear" of the middle ages.. particularly the get-ups of travelling physicians (plague doctors). wearing some pretty hardcore protective gear was the only way people would trust you weren't importing disease from out of town into their homes.. even if plague was already inside their walls..
The creepy beak was stuffed with protective herbs and the wearer could only inhale air after it had passed through them via nostrils at the far end.
I say bring back the creepy beaks. they look heaps cooler than those gay ass medical masks that don't even fit your face.

In case you hadn't guessed i have the sickness. i'm pretty sure it's not the bubonic beast but it's the second time i've been sick in two months and it's pretty much the same thing. this is not normal. i'm a tad worried so i'm goin for a check up as soon as i'm well enough to fuckin be bothered.. it's a little far away and there is much waiting and the doctors are crap.. so they prolly won't pick up anything anyway..

god i hate medical centres where they make you wait for an hour, sit you down, don't have the time to properly examine you, precribe you the most generic blanket cure (weak antibiotics) then push you out the door as the next person's coming in.. i dunno. hardly seems worth the travel into town.

apparently there's a cool bunch of young women doctors out near my mum and they have a pathology nurse that actually comes to the clinic so you don't have to go elsewhere for a blood test.. but they're out in frakkin warburton which is about 3&1/2 hrs away.. still it may be worth it.. i dunno..

it's gotta be somewhere between an iron deficiency and ovarian cancer right? meh. i'll just have a historectomy. not like i need those bits anyway. plus then i'll be able to fit into my old jeans heh.. i've been worried for a while now. then again i've been terrified i had breast cancer before but it just turned out to be cysts.

i get terrified alot. i dunno why it's not like dying would be such a terrible thing.. i'm not particularly attached to this plane of existence but it's the months of pain beforehand that scare me. i suppose when you've nursed someone through the sufferring and seen the whole process up close; and just how little can be done; it's bound to play on your mind.

my nan died.. but my dad went through chemo and radio.. then it came back and he went through a second round.. and there's no guarantee he won't have to keep going through it again and again. cure my ass. quite frankly i think i'd rather fucking die.. throwing up and wasting away and feeding through a tube in your stomach is no life. nan had the right idea when she went "fuck that just gimme the morphine." but then again she was 83 and dad's in his early 60's..

who. fuckin. knows. it's hard to contemplate your own demise. well.. one that's not of your own doing. to be at the mercy of chance.. gets riskier and riskier with every passing year.

sigh

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