Sunday, February 22, 2009


oh for the fuckin love of god STOP SMOKING VICTORIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you need help just call me and i will tell you how.. first you need to stop being on fire.. just bell me for even more advice of that calibre.. i can get you a combustion patch or something..


my mum's place looks as if it may go up in smoke so she's coming out here.. well atleast she said she was when she called me...

about five hours ago..

when i was at work in a neighbours garden and not there to take her call..

when i got home i called her house but she must've wound up watering everything down and left by then and i must say i'm a tad paranoid she may have been caught in fire on the road and burned to death!

but that bitch always pulls through..

she survived being crunched inside a minivan by a semitrailer carrying a fucking steam-roller.. she can survive a few mammoth orangey yellow balls of flame surely..

I HavE sUNstrOKe!!!!!

srsly.. i am sitting here with a wet face washer, tied at each corner, positioned on my head like one of those dudes in a movie about gettin lost in the desert.. my brain just won't stop being hot.. i puked before.. i mean fuck.. chronic bushfires.. forty degree gardening weather.. WHAT THE FUCK WERE OUR ANCESTOrs THINKING?!?!?!?!

guh.. i hear mice downstairs.. and i just discovered the cat has been using the gravel base of the loft plinth as a toilet..

lah lah laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah she'll be here any minute now to start annoying me for prolly the next week or two until the fires that were on three sides of her are out.. la la laaa lii la loo laa my brain is pinging on the inside of ma skull la la la.. hHAHAHAHHA!!!!!! i think a possum just fell of my roof!!!! i just heard godalmighty scraping and a thud.. eat shit you tomato pilfering bastard!! NATURE NATURE NATURE... it's at me again...




Monday, February 16, 2009

Twin Geeks

man i just re-read my last post to remind myself what i've already ranted about and.. well.. i dunno.. yeah ok i go on and on and on with conviction and self importance and all that but it's different when you're with your mates.. that's when it's TIME to talk shit.. when you're in a class room and you're old and you're struggling to actually be there and you're there for a very specific reason (to learn from the teacher)it's just tough to sit through the teenage years all over again.. blah blah blah di fuckin blah...


as you can prolly guess..

i haven't even started the homework..

fuck it i'll wing it for another week i've been isanely busy just trying to save the garden, cook, clean (no really) and sort out a study space..
i'm not buying another friggin desk.. but the ones i have are too big to put up in the loft.. SO I'M GONNA SAW ONE IN HALF!!!! AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

picture this.. as this will actually be happening next week.. there's me, unable to move the thing outside so will be doing it inside, with a circular saw, earmuffs, faceguard, gloves, and furniture covered with plastic dropsheets to capture the dust..

i am going to feel like Dexter the serial killer..

Add very loud noise, chipboard carnage and the comedic sight of a large piece of furniture falling neatly in two, as i raise my buzz saw above my head and laugh like a maniac.. victorious in my defeat of a badly manufactured laminate.

i will prolly not see the cat for a week..

he totally bails when i go all schwarzenegger with power tools.

i need a twin..

a twin that does nothing but homework and study, then sends me the results telepathically.

until then.. i will have to nerd up


Saturday, February 14, 2009

Hailing from the nation of Procrasti

ok so i've got a whopping 48 hrs of homework this week.. and that's for someone who actually remembers shit from last year so seeing as it's me, throw in a few hrs of perplexed revision on top of that.. and factor in that it's already saturday and it's due from tuesday onwards and i haven't even begun yet..

oh man get a room.. flies keep fucking on the screen while i'm trying to type.. i dunno what their deal is but i was watching a movie someone sent me, called "don't mess with the Zohan" and they were just all congregating on the keyboard, they were totally drawn to it.. having sex all over the touchpad.. even the dongle was like make-out point. The ones that weren't rooting were tearing around the keys and gave me the distinct impression they were typing fly pick up lines into some invisible fly dating website with the rendezvous point being the drive-in movie keypad two clicks from the compost bucket.. all that was missing was a diner and some bobby socks..

so i'm in english the other day and the teacher is putting all these issues out there for discussion and man.. i forgot just how irritating the arts crowd can be. there were impassioned outbursts on politics and everything ranging from stem cell research to child pornography which i normally enjoy talking about but these people were so self righteous and self assured and self important... that it just made me stay quiet because their indignance was a dead giveaway that if i was to speak my mind, they would regurgitate a barrage of political correctness vertically into my face and i would have had to put them down hard.

too hard for children.. which is what hey basically are.

i didn't want to hurt anybody and that's where it would have gone because i will not take their shit.. and there was no point in giving it either. seriously these students are so totally delusional they actually think their opinions can change the world. they are still kids that think the world revolves around their passions and beliefs and that they have a right to defend them heatedly in any situation.

There is no point in me explaining to them that their positions on a range of popular debates are COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FUCKING IRRELEVANT TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.. they are convinced otherwise because their parents and teachers told them so.

They haven't been out into the world yet.. the one where no-one gives a fuck about you and is not going to humour you by stroking your ego and telling you you're special person who matters as an individual, who's really really intelligent and really really pretty and really really awesome and wow i'm just fucking astounded such ignorant innocence can survive so.. intact.. i smell sickeningly intense parental coddling.. they're in their twenties for fuck's sake.

i didn't have the best, nor the worst parents and i was made accutely aware that i was not special in any way very early on. so i guess i'm just in awe of them. being able to shout out their opinion about the federal budget and running with that, completely off topic, into a rant about something unrelated that goes on for five minutes.. with such conviction, convinced it's the duty of others to hear them out.. convinced that their shitty little opinion is something special.. convinced they're making good use of people's time.. people who are actually there to learn from the teacher.. i'm amazed they can do that.

The only way i can figure it's possible, is that they're living in a little doll house world, and the doll house is in the play room, and it's hasn't occurred to them yet that maybe those senses of self and safety and importance and meaning.. are just mechanisms that work in the shelter of the play room where life is just a dry run.. like combat training with colleagues in the botannical gardens.. shielded from the reality of the real war in the real jungle..

it's unlikely the mental systems you develop in the garden are going to be compatible with the jungle.. at the very least it'll be fun to watch them slowly realise. i hope atleast some of them begin too.. i can't wait to see them sliding into the sullen awareness as life drags them bit by bit.. out of the dollhouse.. out of the playroom.. out of the house... out of the garden.. and out into the big dark void of anonymity.



Monday, February 09, 2009

shall we talk about the weather?

fuckin let's...


the fuck.

i am freezing my tits off here i have woolly winter pj's on over a nightie and big socks and i'm wrapped in a blanket and i've just eaten hot food and my hands are still so cold i can't feel them and it's taken me about a hundred million years just to write this much cause they're too cold to control..

2 days ago it was 48 FUCKING DEGREES.

crappin fucky shit sticks!!!!!


Sunday, February 08, 2009


maaaaan what a bloody colored sunset.. the water guy finally came this morning at 9am.. i told him i'd been up til 4am and he said "yeah i bet you were.. i wouldn't be able to sleep either..."

er.. wtf?

"40 people died in the fires in this area yesterday"

ERRRRR.... WTF??????????????

"100 homes burned.. they were told it would be wise to evacuate, but it was 48 degrees and no one could bring themselves to go outside, so they stayed and died.."


well a fuckin top o' the morning to you to!

apparently there was nothing to be done for those who weren't already out of the area by the time the fire was within reach due to the gale force winds.. slept through the whole thing.. people totally got fried alive not far from here and now i'm wearing pyjamas and a blanky and it's bloody cold and overcast out there (and windy.. can't forget about that.. had a mini cyclone here again last night but all is well) make up your mind summer!!!

just to make things really clear here.. the paddock next door is chock full of huge round tinder-dry haybales.. so chock full they are actually lined alongside my fence.. then there's a few eucalypts then, there's a few metres, then there's me.. heh

oh who am i kidding.. i don't and won't give a fucking rat's ass until i'm actually on fire.. being mortally afraid is just too exhausting.. besides.. the house is insured.. and i think you all know deep down that i am the kind to make it out of an emergency situation, such as a natural disaster, very much alive..

so anyway a big FUCK YOU VERY MUCH CHANTER for introducing me to my new visual crack-pipe.. Battlestar Galactica.. HOW FUCKING AWESOOOOOOOOOOOOOME?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The president's a chick.. The best fighter pilot is a chick.. i think i remember in the original, women just screamed alot.. and Starbuck (aforementioned best fighter pilot) just had sex with them... and HOW FUCKING SPOOKY are the robotic cylons? those creepy claws of theirs give me serious technophobia..

so all you sci fi nerds out there.. this is for you...

more animals

Tuesday, February 03, 2009


so i'm sitting here on the melbourne library floor, with new laptop, (god i fucking love this thing) after eight hours of physics/math and i'm cross legged and my feetsies are sleeping but that's ok because the numbers have stopped!!! i have formulae coming out of my ears.. i had to get up just before five to get to physics by nine from butfuck idaho and there's only half an hour inbetween classes so i spent that cackling like a chook with all the classmates i haven't seen for six weeks.. instead of eating lunch.. so by about 2.30 i was actually nodding off in class.. right around the whole 'express-nCr-thingamies-in-the-pascall's-triangle-format' episod.. no kidding i thought it was just because i had had no sleep and no food but i looked at the others after class (after they slapped me awake) and we were all exchanging baffled, worried looks like some unseen hand was drawing straws to determine which of us would be anally violated by the latest algebraic calculator model..

and maaaaaaaan.. i can't believe it's you you big dork!! raymond makes his own muesli? err.. look if i start apologising now for who i was when i was younger i would start a huge fucking satanic snowball of self loathing so i dunno.. i prolly did and said some pretty gay ass crap but hey.. teenagers generally are shit.. and trust me you got off easy.. i left that high school when i had just turned 15 but when i turned 16.. i became the fucking antichrist.. i'm ok now though. i only slaughter and devour an unbaptised child every other weekend..

if today's classes are anything to go by, i am going to be right strung out for the whole year.. it's the first day back and i have about 12 hrs homework.. oh and there's no lockers so they're buying more but until they get delivered i have to drag my huge bag full of books and supplies around with me like a total bag hag.. anyway... i shall see you all soonish.. as i couch surf across the suburbs of melbourne, haggard from displacement and over-concentration...

god i need to fart.. loudly.. i've needed to fart for twelve hours now but have been surrounded by peeps, i'm not used to having to hold it in.. it will be a total ass hurricane by the time it is released.. i will blow a hole in chanter's wall.. nnnnng..

Monday, February 02, 2009

The Rays of Yore


so nomadic-hobo-mode...


school starts tomorrow so i'll be away from my home, cat, chooks and garden for 3 days a week for another year.. sigh. how hardcore am i? and how hardcore are you guys for putting me up for a night every few weeks??? i miss my home and my solitude like crazy when i'm away but it'll all be worth it when i know a shitload about stars.. and when i win the nobel prize for physics.. i'll mention you all in my acceptance speech..

The heatwave has passed.. i'm still sittin round in the buff but i'm not as sticky.. i actually had toast and a hot coffee this morning instead of eating cold creamed corn out of the can for fear that heating anything in any way would add to the insane temperature and ignite me..

and yessdee i got out there for a few hours as the gale force wind and searing crapness had subsided.. and gardened.. i got covered in chook poo and seasol and dirt.. HOORAY!
Amazingly tomatoes survived.. as did some of the zuchinnis and melons and the grape vines will live.. just. fruit trees are ok but it was touch and go there.. wind really fucks with a plant's moisture and couple that with 45 degrees and it's death city.. but more than i thought survived.. among the dead are my FOURTH lot of blueberry bushes so fuck them i give up. blueberries just don't like it here.. like passionfruit and okra.. my sunflowers all bit the dust, all peas and beans died, all broccoli, brussels sprouts.. most of the carrots, beets.. strawberries and rhubarb are still alive but most of their leaves were burnt off.. which looks really unattractive.. all this loss and still.. I MUST GARDEN.. i stand by my original statement.. gardening is like crack.. it costs alot.. it takes up a ridiculous amount of time and it never gives you back even money.. which is like every other addiction i've ever had so hey.. atleast this one is i dunno.. reputable or something.. and it means i always have something to talk about with old people at ballarat station.. i get approached lately.. like.. ALOT.. WTF? am i sending out friendly vibes? last shopping trip TWO DIFFFERENT WOMEN came up to me and said i know you don't work here but where do you think xxxxx is? please remember i spent nearly ten years as a drug addled goth.. sometimes with mohawks.. so the only people that used to regularly approach me were the cops.. then i spent five years after that bumbling grumpily throught the world of hardcore customer service so i walked around with a chip on my shoulder as i hated everyone.. getting treated like a worthless piece of shit every day will do that to you.. then i came out here..

maybe i'm finally mellowing out. i still panic when i have to walk down a crowded street, particularly with a people watching theme.. like degraves street.. but maybe that FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK OOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF aura has finally left me. oh i still fucking hate people generally.. we are all cunts and we must be eliminated.. but maybe i can deal with that now, knowing i can always come home to my isolated, quiet, temple and be unaffected for another half a week..


I'm back on lavalife and you should see some of the fuckin cranks i end up having conversations with just for the hell of it..

jesus christ.. you could use some of those ID pics to scare away children. no kidding sometimes i ask myself.. is this a dating website or the CIRCUSFREAK DATABASE????

no stalkers yet like last time and my god this post is long.. if you have made it this far you clearly are either a) procrastinating or b) having of NO life..

and RAY??? i only know one Ray.. He was the only person i was sorry to leave when i changed highschools in year 9.. he lived in Lilydale, was a total braniac nerd, had almost no chin, curly hair and was possibly the only person to receive as much shit from the other kids as me.. except he dealt with it much better.. i remember once in science some cunt filled a syringe with acid and squirted it on his pants and it burnt through.. (i think that was the same science class where some fuck dragged me around the classroom by my hair) but i can't remember his surname so the message you left signed Ray C could still be from some guy who wants money to get out of Nigeria, or wants to sell me dental insurance.. it's been 20 years dude but i'd still recognise you if you came up to me and said hi it's Ray.. i probably wouldn't notice you otherwise as i'll be looking away from people out the window, reading a textbook, or pretending to be asleep.. tad agoraphobic.. anyway.. i think i'll recognise your last name if you leave it in the comments.. or give me some kind of fact that i would know about our highschool or my mother or whatever.. if you can remember that far off.. oh and if you're another Ray that i have known, i clearly need reminding who you are.. cause i've searched my memory and highschool ray was the only ray i found so heeeeeeeeey i better end this post before it's 2010..


oh hang on!!! was your last name Cohen?! talk about hearkening back to the days of yore.