Monday, July 31, 2006

return to hades

i left the casino ten months ago and kazza-four.. she texts me begging me to come with her to the casino - as for 23 years she's been working in casinos and therefore NEVER been able to gamble.. i was like NO. i hate that place. i am not going there. she begged more. i caved. i warned her that i'd probably be crap company as i HATE IT THERE and that under no circumstances were we to go into ANY of the VIP areas.. as i hate THEM EVEN MORE.. she assured me we would stick to the loud skanky main floor.. we went.. we drank - well - kazza is a total WINO so i kept up drink for drink, and she was pretty much herself, while i was quite overly jocular.. we saw heaps of old mates, she gambled and lost (i didn't give a cent as i hate that shithole).. some casino manager dude gave us free drinks, then before i knew it -where were we standing? but the FRIGGING MONTE CARLO VIP AREA.. I WARNED HER!!!.. kazza was telling me that i couldn't say 'cunt' in the VIP area, which was dead quiet, which made me say it about ten times really loudly.. so she walked off and the pit boss comes up all puffed up like a pidgeon that got beaten up heaps in high school and points to me and says "YOU!.. TIME TO GO!" i was like 'ok' and started walking out, as I HATE VIP AREAS AS EVERYONE IN THEM HAS A STICK UP THEIR ASS.. i had NO problem leaving.. then he said some bully stuff.. so i told him fuck you and the horse you rode in on.. and walked out smiling.. which was hard cause i wanted to ask why i was getting moved on for saying cunt, when customers that were loudly threatening to rape mine, barely even got a request to tone down their language.. still it was catharic to finally tell one of the pussy annoying types where to go.. it's still not enough.. i still fill with rage when i think of how much abuse i put up with there.. from both staff and customers AND HOW QUIETLY I LEFT!! atleast i rectified that part somewhat.. but generally it was a good night out.. with a big rock star finish! bout time I caused THEM some fucking trouble i say.. however tame! i should've punched some cunt!

Monday, July 17, 2006

the pillow has no heartbeat

one moment i'm happily half asleep in your arms, the next i wake up stung and lonely as the cat is stroking my face with his whiskers, it's not your caress at all, i've been tricked by a life form that shits itself when i turn the vacuum cleaner on. the pillow that was you is squeezed into a bow tie shape.. i shut my eyes tight, trying to go back and dream you are with me once more, but the pillow has no heartbeat. it also has rather a hard time putting its arms around me. so i'll just lie here with a million things to be done, with a kitchen knife in my chest.. til it gets dark.. thinking of all the times you made me laugh and cry, like i'm watching a video, pinned to the mattress, smiling and crying into space.. i can't get up i can't get up i can't get up

Thursday, July 13, 2006

cat barf

man... this morning i woke up with a massive headache cause Timmah taught me how to play spider solitaire the other day and since he left, i've actually chosen to repeatedly soil my pants rather than disengage and stagger to the toilet.. no kidding i think i have thrombosis... and my eyes! - it felt like they were trying to migrate to another skull.. so i get up holding my forehead like a wounded mate and plod clumsily down the first flight of stairs and WOOOSH! slipped in cat barf... sometime ago i stayed in the city a day longer than planned (so not enough cat food was left out for him) and upon my return, the cat promptly vomitted a mass of dismembered cricket remains on my favourite cushion.. i know he had been desperately eating crickets to survive as : A) he is such a pig that 24 hrs without food constitutes a starvation crisis, B) he is too fuckin stupid and clumsy to catch any member of the mouse population, however numerous they may be and C) there were cricket legs sticking out of the filthy chunky puddle. i have surmised that my cat's barf has no odor.. at first i thought this was because crickets have no odor.. but today's instalment, although visually nauseating (especially after smearing it all over my floor and footwear with a casual slip of the moccasin) was without cricket and ALSO without pong. come to think of it i was lying in bed this morning listening to him violently retching on the landing, assuming it was just another extreme furball experience, but the retching was followed by a liquid, gagging, cacking sound, similar to that of deep throat. in my half sleep, my mind concocted a scenario in which pod birthed a large slimy toad, way bigger than his head, from his mouth.. wasn't really far from the truth, except a toad would have been heaps cooler... hey maybe IT WAS a toad before i squelched it into the landing.. i did catch him trying to eat a frog once but it was only the size of a freddo. so that's my day... cat barf, panadol, coffee in the world's largest mug, followed by lots more spider solitaire-unless you count getting my period and sending off a resume as events, that pretty much wraps it up, so sionara...

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

anal bolognaise

then came the drinking.. we had corona at the puppet venue, kilkenny pints at the backpackers that tasted like piss, then around six caraffes of sake at robot, where mick gave the HOT new bartender his mobi no. (balls = 10/10), then to misty where we had absinthe, then we buggered off back to mick's, but i was not content and insisted on making a pitstop at the 24 hr bottle-o, where i picked up a sixpack of corona.. mick went to bed while me and jen stayed up and prevented him from sleeping.. she had two beers, i had the other four, then we hit mick's spirits, jen had gin and green tea, i had kalua and milk.. around three of the big bastards.. i should've been vomitting out of my rectum after such a cocktail of paint stripper, but i was fine! which is very very scary and awesome! maybe all this organic shit i'm eating is paying off! perhaps it was the vitamin c pill i ingested before catching the train down.. all i suffered was a little head spinning and a headache easily defeated by panadol.. I AM HARDCORE!!! now that i can drink again.. i really SHOULD concentrate on getting my ass into uni.. except not today.. my ass is not going anywhere as it must remain in the vicinity of the toilet bowl as there is reheated canned beef bolognaise shooting out of it.. note to anus "never reheat canned beef sauce twice and eat it after a mental night out on the piss"

puppet whores

again with the mates dragging me down to the city for some fun on a sat'dee... after dinner in chinatown, we made our way to the show called "puppet burlesque".. prior to the real performance there was some extremely gay ventriloquism.. puppets voiced by bogan chicks SHOULD NOT RAP.. it's just homo. the performance was hosted by a hilarious old guy in a white tux, pretending to be shitfaced on cab sav, and constantly telling us all to get fucked.. marionettes were so-so and the purple hand puppet wearing the t-shirt that said "CUNT" was piss funny, as was the gigantic two man operated farmer character that arseholed the huge sheep on stage, but it was a group called "the snuff puppets" that almost resulted in mass urination.. as soon as they came on stage, i recognised them, as i had seen them as a teenager and even then, as a constantly halucinating art student, i thought to myself.. "those guys are fucking weird".. their first number was this lumpy assed elephant-man-faced female puppet on a four poster bed who began fingering her hairy mock vagina and pinching her skanky detachable nipples much to the humourous disgust of the audience... she then ripped her mirkin (pubic wig) off, pulled a long silk scarf out of her chest (meant to be the sea) followed by a model ship which sailed away as the red lights went down.. which was fair enough i guess.. their next act was a bunch of deformed cows and a brutish farmer guy who danced around with his herd performing tricks with them for a while, before stripping naked and slaying them all in a murderous frenzy with a large knife.. he then went around gutting them all, and their intestines danced out and they all began writhing all over each other while the farmer thrusted his pelvic region into them.. then they all rolled into the audience in an orgiastic seething mass, the front row copped it, one guy was humped by the crazy masturbating farmer, another was pulled to the ground and was dry rooted by some intestines***** five fucken stars.