depravity of teh sleeps

i am so tired. i went without sleep last night just to finish an assignment and i just finished one due tonight. plus the exhausting reality of looming exams is HEAAAVYYYYYYYYYY.... i don't even really have much to say right now, my head is SO fuzzy and my teeth hurt, every part of my body is scvreaming SLEEEEEEEEP but bed's just not happening. prolly only posting cause someone commented on my last jizz, someone's still fucking reading this?!

meh anyway i had a "mini stroke" (TIA) about a month ago, had expressive aphasia; couldn't talk for about five minutes then kept saying the wrong words for shit. (the one i really remember was pointing at a chair, and in my head i said "why the fuck can't i say 'chair'?" and i looked at it and tried really hard and the word "skiing" came out instead. so fucking random. it was HEAPS of fun akshully, but the following pressure from everybody that resulted in me eventually going to hospital to get jabbed by needles and have my brain scanned wasn't so enjoyable, the insides of my arms were bruised purple for a week. doctors shouldn't give injections. they should let nurses do it, as they know what the fuck they're doing.

yeah you shoulda seen my mum's face when i told her. she came up here for 5 days to see floriade, stayed in my dorm room. normally we'd be fighting by the end of the second day tops but she was SO NICE to me HAHAHAHA! i should tell her i've just had a stroke every fucking time we hang out!

anyway yeah anyone who's reading has prolly already heard this shit and i got nuthin new as i'm pretty much brain dead right now so imma fuck off.

so long since i've been to church.

ok. so. i got a seriously kick ass score for vce. got into the uni of my dreams. moved to friggin canberra. but only for eight months of the year. and i'm nearly through my first year and i'm doing really well. scarily well. i think being a success at physics is just a matter of getting real COMFY WITH FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY no fucking idea about what's going on.

so anyway i'm in the middle of a two week break before classes resume for three weeks then stop as it's the end of year exam period. the math one is worth 50 fucking per cent. turns out advanced physics is FUCKING HARD. who'd a thunk?

i'll be back in my church in about seven weeks. but there'll be no chooks. and my beloved pussoir is gone. so it'll be pretty fucking lonely. but i won't have internetz and no landline and thanks to the switching off of analogue teev, no telly either. which suits.

really.

i noticed a severe drop off in my grades from EXACTLY when i set up the tv and got a laptop and internet access. my urge to study just PLUMMETED. if i want this whole moving to fuckin canberra thing to work i have to study at night all summer instead of frakking around on facebook or watching re-runs of the simpsons.

no kidding, the grades are good, but it's SO HARD. if i actually studied properly it would be so much easier and i'd want to get up in the morning and pour my brain into the problems at hand instead of thinking of them like they're some agonising torturous chore, that i only direct the bare minimum of effort to. i feel like a friggin fraud. i can't tell you anything i've learnt with any conviction i've just bumbled through learning what i have to at the time then i pretty much forget it. the interest just isn't there. granted at this stage the knowledge is pretty fucking boring most of the time, like i could give a fuck about electronics... but still... if it's necessary, i usually make myself learn it even if i don't feel like it, but if the net is there or there's tv to watch, i just never get around to it and when the assignment is due or the exam is to be taken, i just cram malevolently, hating every fucking minute of it... i can't keep that up for eight fucking years.

i want my curiosity back full time... none of this part time shit where it disappears when there's serious fuckin work involved.

anyway i doubt anyone ever reads this blog anymore... i can't even remember the last time i posted, i've been pretty friggin negligent with it since facebook and twitter took off really... but i think i'll start rambling again. it's therapeutic.

i'm going to throw a do at the church when i get home. with heaps and heaps of good food. hopefully some of you can make the trek.

miss you guys.

Lobelia Marjoram

that's two plants. not a cunt part.. speaking of which i have a new one.. a tiny flesh tag has decided to sprout right next to my hoo hoo. i ripped it off and man it bled a shitload but i think those things actually grow back. sigh. getting old is gross. next hair will start pushing itself out of my chin.

plus i have a singlet sunburnt onto my back. the evil daystar strikes again.. i was dressed to garden in cold n rainy weather but then it got kinda muggy so i stripped off n kept workin away n the sun came out from behind the clouds a few times but didn't stay out at all.. but when i got inside i went to scratch the back of my neck and went OOOOOOW!

thank fuck i was workin with my back to it or i'd have redface as well as a red neck. yee haw.

and after all this rain, the soil is SATURATED.. it's so wet it's just WAITING hornily for me to finish digging it over so i can shoot my seed into it.. hehe..

everything around me is rooting. those harlequin bugs gettin round ass to ass.. birds doin their come-fuck-me dances.. plants bursting into pollen heavy flowers n bees pimping em out.. dirty bastards.

i really need to get the irrigation in before i plant but man.. it's a big job and i've just finished the gargantuan task of making a net trellis for the almond grove and putting bird net over it.. plus i've dug up and turned over and chopped up over 200 square metres of garden beds which has really really fucked me.

all that studying has made me SO unfit!!! just sitting there day after day while my muscles friggin atrophied has made me SOFFFFFFT!!!!!

no kidding i'm gettin carpal tunnel just from gripping the shovel.. but i'll be fit in a few more weeks of ass-bustery and the garden will be fucking sweet this year.. provided i actually get off my fucking fat arse and get the irrigation in..

strawberries are going fucking BALLISTIC throwin up fruit like no-one's business but millipedes have been hollowing out about 95% of them. i always go to pick them and go OH here's one that i can EAT! and i'll turn it over and it'll be full of creepy black insectoid eels. found out they're not actually insects on account of em havin so many leggies.. so what are they? fucking annoying that's what.. i dunno molluscy things? meh regardless they're not insects so insecticides don't kill them.. all i can do is remove their food supply; they live on decaying matter so i had to strip back all the mulch which will carry it's own badness over summer..

i usually let the chooks out when i'm weeding or digging or clearing under plants or moving garden refuse cause as soon as i lift something up they rush in and start eating all the unearthed bugs. which is awesome.. they LOVE earwigs and spiders and slugs and slaters but for some fucking reason they just won't eat the millipedes..

it's weird to think that by eating their ovulations i am indirectly eating slugs and earwigs.. mmm. buggered if i know how they digest all that slug slime.. i can't even get it off my gloves.. so disgusting.. fuckin bug jizz.

soooooooo i guess imma be planning a planting schedule.. got me whiteboard out.. rubbed off exam study flow chart.. now to replace it with a harvest flow chart.. nerd much? successive planting is sweet cause it means you don't get ten tonnes of something all at once.. but you have to be real organised or it all gets really confusing.. when and where have i/did i even plant that yet/already?!

cherries are looking amazing.. and this year i actually got round to netting them so i won't have to pick and eat them while they're still crunchy and half sour just to beat the fuckin birds and possums.. oh i can't WAIT they look so delicious hanging off the tree in clusters. shame it's not a bigger tree though.. i'll prolly only get a kilo or two..

same with apricots and mandarines and plums and apples and olives.. almonds however should be fantastic this year.. seeing as pretty much all of them will be MINE!!! parrots and possums can SUCK MY BALLS.

Nets are ACE, i dunno how much i'll get cause you can never tell how much is nut until you shell them after hullsplit.. but a kilo or two of almonds will last me a month whereas a kilo or two of cherries might last me a few days hehe.. mnmnmnmnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom

the currants and gooseberries and raspberries aren't looking too flash this season but i really let the grass rape them while i was busy studying.. i'm surprised they're still alive i had to practically go on fuckin safari to find them.. with all their sunlight blocked out and sharing all their nutrients with weeds.. it's amazing they survived enough to put up a few flowers.. meh

imma try makin sundried tomatoes this year.. i did some a few years ago but i didn't put salt on them as they were drying so they were all weird and sweet.. like fucked up craisins.. actually imma try alot of preservation this year.. i have a feelin it's gonna be a bumper crop. if K-town doesn't get caught up in a friggin bushfire..

heh.. K-town.. finally a name for it that doesn't take up 12 letters..

in about two months this place is gonna look like a nursery! after all this rain my 30,000 litre tank is almost FULL and there's MORE TO COME!!! i can't tell you what a load off that is.. i was down to less than a third full a fortnight ago and was wondering how the fuck i was gonna raise the cash to get water carted in over summer.. but not now.. i can stop plugging up the bathtub permanently to collect shower after shower until it's deep enough to bother bucketting out..

it is SO CREEPY stepping into a bathtub to shower, where your own grotty water from the last four comes halfway up your shins.. brrr.. plus bonus bugs that have bounced off the window and drowned in it.. ugh.. drought sucks cunt.

I LOVE RAIN!

thanks nature!

waiting game

so i've FINiShEd VCE!!! bite me school! i'm fairly sure i screwed up that last exam.. physics.. i just had NO TIME to study for it.. i suppose the last exam is always a little neglected that way poor lil fuck.. ah well.. oh did i mention?!?!

I

FUCKIN

FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!

now i just gotta wait til 15th december for the results NGNGNGN! and fucking JANUARY til admittance letters come out.. DOUBLE NGngNgNGnnnG!

i got a xmas card from ANU today as a prospective student, for an advisory day in melbourne on the 16th december so i'll be down then and prolly catch up with some of you thereabouts..

but yeah after the last exam i went straight out to my mum's and the restaraunt she was gonna take me too was shut and she'd accidentally thrown out the stash my brother left there for me ages ago.. but i didn't care. i pretty much went to sleep as i'd had none the night before.

then i went to the city and had iolites in the park with leila and then back to jo's and ended up staying the night and getting trashed outta my BRAIN. caught train home next day and did a big shop, stocked fridge and perty much sat on ze couch for about two days cause it was too hot to garden. then i got so bored i gardened in the heat and got sunstroke..

HOORAY!

just got back from town as i was slashing grass (hehe DIE! man i've been HANGING to do that) and i ran out of snipper line and two stroke so i went to get more in town wearin ma gumboots and bought a sack of grain for the chooks and i'm feelin a lil bit country.

except for the part where i listen to SHIT MUSIC.

anyway, as it appears that no-one bar a few will be turning up this weekend, i officially give up trying to stage get-togethers. you're all very sociable and it's summer so you're all pretty fully booked, you all have time restrictions cause of jobs, and i dunno i feel a tad guilty asking you to come all the way out here..

please know that you are all welcome at ANY TIME.. i AM a hermit.. but i love having my friends visit.. as let's face it, anyone that has managed to befriend a recluse is obviously pretty fuckin cool.

yes i'm talking to YOU motherfucker!

a big thankyou hug from the sometimes-hater-of-our-species for your support these last few years.. even if it is only a gay internet hug..

xox

anyone there?!

ok so no-one wants to help me garden.. my flabby arms thank you as they need all the work they can get heh.. but i would still like to get you all up here for an end of VCE celebration..

well that's what I'LL be celebrating.. you guys can just come up and chill n eat n drink n veg.. it's been two years of hardcore-ness so i feel the urge to mark it with some kind of closing ritual and would love it if some of you would make the trek..

still two more exams and four days to go til i'm finally free..then i don't find out what my enter score (out of 100) is til the 16th december.. then i won't find out til i got into ANU til friggin JANUARY... anxious wait much?!

anyway if i crack 90.. imma.. imma.. yeah i dunno what imma do.. but imma feel good. cracking 90 = elligible for merit based scholarships = able to keep church for another year... so BIG yayness..

i'd better go and fuckin study then hadn't I?!?!

four more days four more days four more days

god i can't WAIT to get into my gumboots and go NUKKIN FUTS with the slasher.. ohhhhhhh man i'm hanging bad..

anyway yeah.. dates.. uh.. the weekend of the 21st/22nd nov sound do-able or is it too short a notice for you jobby people?!

pls lemme know.. will post this same shite on facebook at some stage.. as i dunno how many of you cunts still read this shit i'm dribbling here..

xox.

.

call of the wild

oh MAN... MUST..... GARDEN!!!!!!!!!

i looked at my pea plants and strawberries a few days ago and said "oh COME on.. i'm HUNGRY!" plus the chooks have been off the lay cause of the sudden change to ass bustingly hot weather.. anyway i didn't pay attention to anything except exams for the last few days.. DONE WITH VCE SPECIALIST FOREVER HOORAY! i think i did ok.. thank CHRIST i did practice exams! such good revision..

anyway i haven't been able to even look at the garden for the last few days and i went out there this morning and the pea plants are DRIPPING with succulent pods.. there's snow peas, purple peas, sugarsnap peas, greenfeast peas, telephone peas (cause they grow as tall as a telephone pole.. they're not shaped like telephones or anything).. my jaw just dropped.. which was convenient as it meant my mouth was already open when i started shovelling them in there straight from the bush... NOM NOM NOM NOM oh man they make frozen peas taste like cardboard..

plus my strawberries are just starting to ripen! they are LOADED with fruit.. only a few were ripe enough to eat (*drooool*) but man... i have to ignore the garden again til saturday to deal with a pesky methods exam.. so by the time i look again i should have PUNNETS of the fuckers! i'm sure it was all that soil preparation i did last year.. they are going fucking MENTAL.. plus the rain doesn't hurt either seeing as i don't have time to water the bastards..

it's so hard to study cause whenever i look out the window i can hear my garden screamin "come stick your hands in me!" like some horny animal.. oh man it's gonna take me SO LONG to reclaim it all from the weeds.. i did manage to dig over a large bed and keep the strawberry patch weed free but it's like a jungle expedition just getting to the chook house..

i'm ok to do it alone.. but would really appreciate some help.. i reckon four or five people could get it ship shape in a weekend and i would gratefully cook up a storm for participants if any of you city slickers wanna get outside and get physical in nature for a day or two..

it's all just an idea at the moment i don't finish exams til the 11th so it'd wanna be asap after that.. before it gets too hot and the flies come.. i'm just so paranoid.. the place is a weed farm.. which means it's both a fire hazard and a haven for SNAKES.. not yet.. but if i leave it much longer than november.. it's gonna be a big problem..

anyway here's what i need help with if anyone's up for lending a hand (in return for serious noms of course!) ....

1; i will do the slashing but the grass will need to be heaped in one place as i will line the chookhouse with some (they eat the seeds and nest in it when it dries) and compost the rest.

2; places inaccessible to the slasher (not many) need to be weeded by hand (easy enough just time consuming)

3; compost heap needs to be forked over and the stuff that's composted down enough needs to be dug through the soil of some garden beds..

4; putting up some trellising for the grape vines and espaliering fruit trees.. i have reo and have managed to get some trelising up by myself but it would be SO much easier with more hands..

5; repositioning of reo sheets on back fence.. i just want to put them on the other side of the fence posts.. easy enough but as the sheets are 2&1/2 m long it would be a lot simpler if i had help (i can't believe i shifted 6m lengths of that shit by myself to make the greenhouse! it's really awkwardly floppy and heavy to move around)

6; moving the old tank stand somewhere off the garden beds..

7; moving some big rocks (again)

so that's what needs doing.. asap after nov 11th.. perhaps the weekend of the 14/15th? or the weekend after that? i'm easy as school will be over and i don't have anything planned hahaha YAY!!!!! anyhoo... lemme know if you feel the call of the wild..

i surely fucken do!

.

rabid underdog

i iz a third o the way through exams now.. feeling remarkably relaxed for someone who has FUCK ALL chance of getting a decent specialist score... if i crack 90 for an enter imma... imma... imma go YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY for a week..

i was the only person who came out of the english exam-a-thon (3 hrs long) that high-fived the teacher... a few of my mates even freaked out and left... man i nailed that fucker.. which will hopefully make up for my SUCKING at specialist exams..

i don't actually suck at math.. but math exams are not about math.. they are about strategy; which is something you only learn at private school.. where they actually don't give a fuck about teaching students the subject.. they only care about teaching them to attack exams to keep success rates high, their reputation intact and their fucking fees justified..

i've had three people who learnt specialist at private schools tell me that they glance through the text (which took us a whole year to get through at public school) in TWO months then spend THE REST OF THE YEAR DOING PRACTICE EXAMS.. apparently no-one gets less than a B+ at the end of it all which drives the standard up too high for public schoolers to even compete with... but six months later they can't remember a fucking THING.

so i'll get a pretty fucking average score for spec. but atleast when i get to uni i will know what the fuck i am talking about. i'm hoping uni selection panels acknowledge the difference between public and private school spec scores and gimme a fuckin break.. but something tells me anyone on a uni selection board will have had a private school education so maybe they fucking won't, as they will be clueless turds..

the condescention!

how DARE they compare their scores to mine.. or compare ANYONE from public schools' scores to their private school scores. honestly how fucking CLUELESS they can get away with being! they have NO IDEA how ridiculous it is to be so proud of their 99.8 enter.. they live in a fucking FANTASY LAND where their "intellect" is "superior"... they're so fucking stupid they can't see that they're comparing their circumstances.. with their expensive private tutors and endless free time and unlimited resources.. to the circumstances of people who have to spend atleast two thirds of their waking hours doing everything BUT studying in order to just keep their heads above water..

i'm real sick of the difference between rich education and poor education. it's not that i'm naive.. i obediently accept that the more money you have the more of a leg-up you have over your poorer counterparts and that's just the way it is.. but don't tell me i have to like it.

consider this the summer of my fucking discontent.

i know in my gut.. that if it was about survival.. when you strip away the privilege and false confidence in their ability that has been purchased and instilled in these silver spooners by their rich parents.. i would kick their asses.. simply because i have been forced to use only what i have; as nobody has given me anything.

unfortunately in comparison to these big fucking BABIES my scores come up so very short.. and this leaves me no option but to beg for consideration like some halfwit who didn't have enough intelligence to make the grade.. but inside some part of me knows the truth.. i'm smarter than they'll ever be.. and if the playing field were level.. i'd be the one playing pro-sport.

bitter much?

maybe i fucking should be. maybe you fucking should be too.