Friday, June 30, 2006

down with gardening yay for porn

got knocked back by the organic gardening farm.. turns out they want someone that knows stuff about plants... who'd a thunk it.. well it was worth a shot.. they were unbelievably nice about it - fucken hippies - they specified that they were after someone with both gardening qualifications AND a strong history of customer service.. good luck finding someone with ONE of those specifications let alone both.. out here, people don't go to fucken high school. on the up side.. i scored the job writing porn for websites. it is only part time, but i don't even have to leave the house and it's $25 US per hour, which is more than double what i'd be gettin workin at a vegetable farm.. and man.. i can do it in my pyjamas at four in the friggin morning if i want.. can't wait to start.. back to the down side again and i've been on the dole for three months now (hang on u judgemental fuck i supported myself for six months just on my life savings before resorting to welfare so fuck you and your little dog too), so i have to do "job search training" which is a full time three week course in ballarat 45 mins drive away.. when i said i couldn't afford the petrol, the guy told me 'then we'll give you a $50 fuel voucher per week and you can just come in every second day' which suits me fine.. i may even be elligible for some free computer training and perhaps some other course, like graphic design, which is surprisingly practical of centrelink.. god bless them - all that time i spent working two full time jobs, getting SHAFTED by the tax man and now i see some kind of return. so yes i'm enjoying utilising all your hard earned tax dollars - keep working please! i have no idea when this porn job starts.. i'm suspicious that they may be frauds who will give me some tasks then not pay me, so i'm not going off the dole until i'm certain it is genuine employment.. i also found out that i may be elligible to get my super out as i have been unemployed for over six months.. which would be insanely good timing although i may disagree with that statement if i actually live long enough to need it.. this week's career direction points to higher education.. like a double degree in arts/science.. buggered if i know whether i'll get round to it.. goddam uni entrance procedure is like trying to gain citizenship.. i have to start NOW if i want to have a hope of getting in for NEXT YEAR.. madness.. then there's the mortgage i still have to pay even though it's too far away for me to live in, then i'd have to pay rent in the city and somehow pay for books and stuff.. i gotta research scholarships and stuff.. mature age is a good thing apparently as there's heaps of help available.. i just have to friggin locate it!!!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

it's all about the pussy

yesterday i applied for a job entitled "web content writer" for an adult website. today i received an email informing me that i had made it through but as they couldn't do personal interviews (they're based in america) they sent me a few small writing tasks to complete so they sould suss out my writing style (and ofcourse then immediately employ me as i write rooly good n stuff) i was given links to two girlie sites (one was solo girl, the other- group girl on girl) and told to write 5 brief descriptive lines (ranging from two words to 60 letters) .. here is them giving me an example of what they expected.. best interview questions ever :
Below is an example of what we are looking for. Please feel
free to be as descriptive as you like.

1) Eating pussy
2) Naked lesbian housemates eat pussy
3) Naked housemates eat pussy in the kitchen
4) Naked housemates eat each other out in the kitchen
5) Naked lesbian housemates eat each other out in the kitchen

and here are mine...

1) lesbian orgy
2) hot hungry teen lesbian pussy party
3) writhing wet pussy eating lesbian teen whores
4) hot horny teen whores at pussy licking pool party
5) wet pack of horny teen lesbians licking hungry young pussies

after doing the above AGAIN for the other link, AND a promo
paragraph for the welcome to pussy eaters site, i am now officially
sufferring a teen pussy overdose.. in unbelievable contrast i also
sent off a resume to a funeral home.. hehe - here's hoping i didn't
accidentally swap them!

Monday, June 19, 2006


yes i'm still crapping on about the weekend.. gimme a break how often do i get out you pack of insensitive cunts. so. mates want home.... bed. mara want alcohol. everyone get more alcohol at insistence of mara. there is much sitting. many sighs... then i realised this weird blonde guy that looks about forty, who i thought was a total fag, has been lurking around me for like the last few hours.. jen has the sterling idea that her last round of drinks should be substituted with breakfast at golden showers. mara stops trying to force fucked, tired mates to party and we all head for a farmer's breakfast.. the blonde guy, who we've said goodbye to about ten times already is still hanging around like a rank onion fart, at this stage i'm pretty wasted and realise he's been holding my hand for twenty minutes.. whatever.. i couldn't be arsed telling him to fuck off. we eat. he's still with us. he tries to lure me to his house "i'm a gentleman" "i have pot" "i'm just a lonely guy" (who hangs out alone in bars populated almost solely by people who wear only underpants and flog each other) we're saying 'ok we're going now'.. and he keeps FOLLOWING US... mick dubs him goldfish turd.. because he's like the string of poo that hangs out of a goldfish's ass and follows it wherever it goes.. we leave blonde dude in street.. what is it with me and really ultra NON-HOT guys?- i attract them like a bug zapper.. clueless fucks.. next day i visited a mate in hospital who had a baby a few days ago. she's only 22. it was SO unplanned cause a few years ago she had some surgery and the doc told her that as a result, she wouldn't be able to have kids.. so she didn't bother with contraception then... HELLO! top work Dr Full-O-Shit! she had an emergency cesarean so her vag is still intact but i told her these filthy jokes and she was like "NO! don't make me laugh! the stitches will pop and my womb will be hanging out".. she's still so young.. she told me :"i didn't like being pregnant. it was gay".. priceless.. that baby is going to have an interesting parental experience. soooooooooo tiny.. she's underweight but healthy.. while i held her, she started to cry so i leant over her to make some cutesy noises and she grabbed at my boob! fuckin little pervert.. newborns are a pisser to watch but fucked if i want one.. glad i can go home and get uninterrupted sleep, and not have to worry about all the poo and nipple chomping..

a beard of slag

After a while some mates of sig's blew in, with a few normally dressed folks in tow, after a while, one of the normies decided to just up and pash me. my first thought was: eeaaaaaaaaackgth!!!! as his kiss was like being smacked in the lower face with a soggy cum rag but then i told myself.. "if i don't get back on the horse, i'll be celibate for YEARS.... AGAIN... so i have to force myself to try and enjoy it" so i stood there feeling sad and empty, while this random, very average guy stuck his tongue in my mouth in this awful repeditive licking motion just over and over like a slimy robot.. he didn't notice i wasn't kissing back.. i felt like an inflatable bang doll. i counted to five, before i pulled away, covered in his slobber, trying not to let him see how repulsed i was.. (hooray for masks) i wiped my chin, shook my head, smiled apologetically and went STRAIGHT to the bar for a slammer to sterilise my oral cavity and numb the disappointment.. i can't tell whether he was just a shit kisser, whether i may have enjoyed it if he had've been an awesome kisser, or whether my recent bust up means that even an awesome kisser will feel like shit as i'm just not up for it... ironically the headlining act that came on after this breach of interpersonal saliva laws was called... "SNOG".. how's that for a fuckin rad segueway.. i thought they rocked. none of my mates did.. but then i was really into them over a decade ago, in my goth phase, i knew most of their songs, and was also keen to cut sick in the mosh, partially to escape the overly amorous face sucker, who would not stop following me, offering to buy me drinks and screaming "i like you" into my ear over the deafening beats.. i pretty much lost it in self defence. i started dancing so violently he had to move away for his own personal safety, and i kept it up for the full set! i punched the air, i gyrated and span and jumped around like an insane fuckwit, best therapy ever. well no. the best therapy ever would be my ex-fiance coming back to me with his shit together and two open ended tickets to peru, but just now, i'll have to settle for the loony jig, while i try my best not to be in waiting for a lover that may not come back.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

whips and bitch tits

on reading my last pitiful post, some good mates forcibly dragged my carcass into the city to a "masquerade ball" held at a gothic nightclub.. i wore a black lace veil, black velvet half mask, gold embroidered corset and lots of red, gold and black velvet garments and jewellery picked from about ten of my old stage costumes and thrown together at the last minute like some satanic omelette.. upon my arrival to the pre party drinks at mick's place i found sigmund also wearing devilled eggs, weirdly enough matching my color scheme and era style perfectly. he had a tricorn hat with a red,black and gold harlequin mask, long jacket and red chiffon scarf.. we were tres eyes wide shut, very venetian carnivale.. fuck we looked gay. and didn't the hoardes of drunk, redneck soccer fans infesting the city that same night let us know it- as we navigated our way through the city to the club. jen and mick were also present in goth form, although not QUITE as gay looking, together we all managed to look.. well... pretty gay.. theatrical even. the club was full of utter dicks dressed up like bondage sooks, in deadly serious posing mode, trying to look all composed and broody before inebriation set in, so it felt good to be amongst my own. after prancing around sadly for an hour, the mood began to lift and i spied sigmund talking to a very pretty girl in a huge be-chained steel collar and latex corset dress, near the whipping posts.. the next thing i see is sigmund being handcuffed, shirtless to said posts, and the hot chick caressing him with one hand and holding a flail in the other which, (after a crowd had gathered) she craftily passed on to a repulsively fat, old, bondage leather wearing hobo dude.. who promptly began to whip sig before he had time to say: "oi - that's just not cricket"......i was in tears, i think i peed a little, i nearly split my corset sobbing with laughter, as his back reddened and the lashes got a little louder, the lard ass homo prison sex gimp dude passed the flail onto ANOTHER leather clad old age pensioner pervert named snake.. this one was skinny- so probably had aids from being an anal ass master in the eighties. by this stage i was just in disbelief.. honestly if it had gotten any fucken sorrier i would have been the first case of death by escalated cacking in a highly restrictive garment. my imagination just made it worse.. i kept wondering if sig had an erection .....a total MOUNTAIN of wrong.. the boner of shame... the sexy girl DID give him a bit of a flog in the end but after such a huge cack, it was kind of anticlimactic. for me anyway. sig told me later that the guys asked him if he wanted his friends to have a go at beating him.. but he said no... fuckin pussy.. as if i could've done any lasting damage from the confines of my get-up. sigh. the support band were jazzy and mediocre, but the bass player was wearin budgie smugglers and fishnets and the trumpeteer had his lunch packed in black rubber trunks with suspender stockings so atleast they were amusing to look at.. come to think of it.. it was like a festival celebrating the rubber underpant in there. at one stage i caught myself thinking how weird it was that so many people had all forgotten to wear their trousers. one word, niggers : WINTER...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Pod, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo i'm lonely, and that.. n stuff.. stopped work on the place.. can't really be fucked bein alive really.. it's just too much for one lonely chick.. dropped ian off at the airport, never to return, car died in airport loading dock, went and saw dad at peter mac.. he was, as always, really fucken annoying and i wish the chemo would hurry up and make him barf, as it would be heaps nicer than the projectile diharrhoea that constantly explodes from his mouth.. mmm fleshy olive.. am having the last little bits of food in all the little containers in the fridge for "dinner at my keyboard" tonight, featuring three ancient olives that are as shrivelled as an old boy's scrotum, some VERY naughty ham that's probably rancid and half a jar of oil that once had nice cheese in it! I know i said this blog was going to centre on my renovations, but fuck them, it's all about me!!!!!!!! fuck them all.. no.. wait.. fuck you.. fuck you all, especially if you're a half demolished chimney, an untiled shower recess, a half installed kitchen, an errant benchtop or an unpolished floor, and fuck you particularly if you are a structural renovation.. fuck you in the deepest recess of your ass canal.. I CANNOT BE FUCKED ANYMORE. ofcourse in saying this i am only one step closer to realising that in fact i can be fucked again.. but right now i just cannot be fucked. I put up a greenhouse, (3.5 metres by 2 metres by 2 metres) and THE NEXT NIGHT there was a wind storm, i went out about midnight and there it was inflated by a gust and floating eerily, standing on its end ontop of the fence, caught on a picket.. the steel frame, formerly house shaped was bent into a diamond shape, and as it jumped around the place, it demolished my little fig trees, now they're just broken sticks in the ground, fuck them. As i tried to pull the thing back down to the ground, the wind died and the plastic sheath of the greenhouse parachuted over me in a perfect house shape so i grabbed hold. outside there was a fucken hurricane and i'm surprised that i didn't end up in some faraway place with a scarecrow, a lion and a friggin tin man. as i eventually wrestled it into manageable-ness in the pissing rain Pod was cowering in fear as, unlike Toto, he is a useless pussy.i came out yesterday morning to find he had somehow opened the refridgerator and chewed the remaining meat from the carcass of a roast chicken which was consequently in little pieces all over the floor.. i got up THIS morning and the cat had somehow managed to pull said carcass out of the opposable-thumbs -only- pull- open- bin for another waltz around the kitchen.. i'd hate him, if i could be fucked, but for now, i'll just settle for watching him meow incessantly on the other side of the window "heathcliff! let me in! i'm a cunt and i abandoned you but you know you love me let me in! sosso soos soo soo c c c cold!" whatever kitty boy. keep whinin ya fuck. watched matrix 2 last night.. just to remind me of why i walked out of the cinema trying to convince myself i hadn't seen it the first time.. such a crap sequel.. and i don't reckon i could watch the third one tonight as i will fucking slash my wrists if i have to watch neo say goodbye to trinity.. sob, anyway, i've seriously applied to the organic nursery/farm thing, it will be good to work away from my house.. fuck i'm sick of the state of this place.. i think i'll study naturopathy, or possibly kill myself, probably the former, so sig yes i got your texts but couldn't be fucked replying as they were gay. no i'm enjoying being single, etc.. ps what's this about a masquerade party? i've had too many salty old man's balls olives, and not enough meat.. maybe i will let the cat in... oh sig, if this half spoken plan revolving around a fantastical masquerade party falls on its ass, there is always .... the hippy party.. no kiddin, this guy's name is Mischael (pronounced like the girl's name michele) he is a weird german guy who lives in the forest behind my dad's land, him and his wife are "white witches" no shit this guy has a beard Gandalf could get lost in.. and his dog's name is.. wait for it.. Equinox.. i tell you.. when i heard that.. i was on the floor.. Equinox, the german man witch's dog... i mean CUMMMMONNNN Sig! the guy's GERMAN!!! NOT taking a jew would be bad form.. sadly the commute presents a constant cunt.. and there is that factor of me not wanting to go AS I CANNOT BE FUCKED doing ANYTHING, but the idea is there.. and there's a strange party going on inside my head now, so i've already been really,
tra la tra la