Saturday, December 30, 2006

minorite detail

excuse obscure monastic pun.. just finished reading "name of the rose" which by the way YOU HAVE TO ALL READ.. so awesome.. i used to love the movie.. now i see it is totally shat upon by the original manuscript.. er.. tome.. codice.. er... book.. yes.. annnnd back to this century- and the turning of another year- forgot MINOR DETAILS like.. oh.. GIVING YOU ALL THE ADDRESS.. expect sms later on today.. i thought of posting it here but then got paranoid.. i mean.. not that any random person could actually find their way here without my help.. i'm serious guys.. CALL me when you get to daylesford unless you have been here before or else you will end up in some inbred backsettlement like creswick.. or you will end up like that cartoon guy that couldn't find his way off the L.A. cloverleaf hwy intersection and had to set up a hot dog stand and live there.. except there will be no traffic, no phone reception, and no people so you prob wouldn't be very successful selling hot dogs and we'd find you years later just skeletons pointing to a hubcap on which is scratched "i love you mum. sorry" and how crap would that be? answer = pretty crap.. omg i am soooo procrastinating about getting the cooking and cleaning underway.. i don't wanna! *sighs* procrastinates some more.. nnng.. bleargh.. wibble.. guh.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

stage 1 fright

ok. new years party stage one. preparation. decoration. gathering of food needed to cook comestibles. madly scrabbling to put act together. shitting self that people will arrive and go.. "oh my god.. i blew off the hundred other cooler things i got invited to.. to come to this sad little hovel?" which i highly doubt anyone would think but am shitting self regardless.. i call it host anxiety. not that any of you are diseases or sucking parasites or anything.. just a reminder that in the interests of your own comfort you gotta bring bedding.. pref an inflatable mattress or camp roll if you can.. or fight others that came unendowed for the rug or fold out couch.. also.. any mood lighting would be appreciated.. if any of you have access to or own a lava lamp, strobe, smokey thing, uv light, fountain lamp, disco ball or colored lighty-watchamacallits please commandeer them! it's going to be small but i'm attempting to make it relatively ambient heh.. i may however fail miserably.. so if your expectations are low, you should at least be pleasantly surprised! if it looks like it's going to be hot.. bring bathers, as the beautiful (but freezing) lake daylesford is 15 mins away and cures hangovers immediately (by replacing them with hypothermia) if you don't bring bathers, you will most likely look like me, who goes in clad in a tshirt and daggy cotton undies.. also.. i have to reiterate that not only is there a variety show theme, but it's a COSTUME party as well, but don't stress, if you can't get a costume together you will at some stage of the night become part of "let's dress those guys"-a special ritual only possible in the home of a theatre costumer.. and don't forget your act.. remember the hat of shame looms.. and i know it's hard to come up with something.. so i'm really not going to make you fornicate with a goat on stage if you just can't produce anything of your own.. but remember.. it's all about embarassing yourself so anything you come up with will do, however lame.. i can't wait.. i'm waaaaaaaaay to excited.. sue me. i just LOVE embarassment and awkwardness.. for which i apologise extremely insincerely. see you guys sunday.. as long as it's after midday.. rock up for a bit of daylight in the country if you feel so moved.. ciaoooooo!!!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

child labour.. ALRIGHT!

god i'm tired.. i'm bored too.. i just had the son of a mate over for three days.. i used to babysit him when she first popped him out.. now he's fucking 16!!! i left him alone for about 3 hrs and when i got back he'd cleaned out the datto, raked up a wheelbarrow full of brick and mortar chips, moved an entire pile of chimney rubble, cleaned the kitchen and whippersnipped the long dead grass. i wonder if he wants to move in. apparently i will also score some help with the paving too. i'm not used to help. it just feels weird. i offerred him some petty cash for his labour and he said no. i felt like asking why he was being so nice to me. i'm just not used to it. i feel like i've taken PG rated advantage of him. but i'm sure i'll get over it.. i think he's a bit bored on his school holidays and.. well.. help is fucking AWESOME!!!! it almost makes me want to adopt.. wait.. actually no it doesn't really but i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow when he's not there with my plunger full of industrial strength freshly ground coffee.. placing it, a soup mug, the milk and sugar on the bedside table and tentatively pushing the table right up to my sleeping face so the plunger spout is a centimetre away from my nose.. awww.. he really does know how to wake aunty mara early in the morning without risking involvement in a postal episode.. *sighs happily* child labour rocks..

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


FINALLY!!!! after about SIX FUCKING months of back breaking hard yakka, i have TOMATOES!!!!! they're still tiny and green but.. I HAVE TOMATOES!!! black russians (blackish maroon ones) and jaune flamee (orange cherry ones) are in sight.. stripey ones are in the wings.. all the shit in my green house has stopped being eaten.. i moved some pots around in there the other day and found out why.. i have pobblebonk frogs in there!! (their real name.. say it in a really low voice.. pobblebonk pobblebonk.. it's the sound they make) they are EATING all those murderous chewing, egg laying, insect fucks that were wiping out my seedlings.. hurrah for adorable amphibians.. hey my mate fran told me about this hilarious documentary she saw called "tourettes summer camp"... (0)_(0) ... can you imagine.. oh i got home from ballarat today and pod had killed ANOTHER young rabbit on the rug.. except this time he had thoroughly disembowelled it all over the floor.. a half chewed stomach here, a shiny, slimily packed colon there.. half a skull.. wtf? you have prime tender young rabbit haunch right there, perhaps a breast.. or festy offal and scratchy, sharp bone.. which one would you choose?! HE EATS THEIR LEGS OFF... WHY? i went to scratch my face just before and it stung like ass cancer.. i looked in the mirror.. and i'm sunburnt as all hell.. must've been the 20 minutes i spent in the outdoor gardening section of bunnings.. 20 minutes i tell you.. there's this really cute checkout guy there, he's black as midnight, i'm thinking about him now.. frollicking naked in the sun.. without ever having to worry about spf.. bastard

Monday, December 04, 2006

roll up roll up 4 NYE

come one come all to NEW YEARS EVE celebrations at the church in the middle of nowhere!! bring spare panties, pyjamas and pillows cause driving out to butfuck idaho spells S-L-E-E-P-O-V-E-R.. instead of just a straight costume party, el churcho will be sporting a VARIETY SHOW theme on the altar stage, for which you are all required to perform an act.. musical, comedic, poetic, re-enacty, demonstrative, sacrificial or perhaps pornographic (will supply livestock on request).. use your fucking imaginations! those who come unprepared must perform an act from ... dun dun DUNNNN.. the HAT of shame.. which i advise you strongly not to subject yourselves to-as i have a very sick imagination.. multiple acts are encouraged.. shower before you come (tank water + drought = limited aqua hospitality) and bring your own intoxicants as i will be supplying as much dinner and breakfast as my wallet will allow.. no cops, no neighbours, no fuckin worries, let's run a fuckin muck.. and remember DON'T FORGET YOUR ACT.. and RSVP by 26th december...
ps. if anyone has a DECENT stereo system/speakers/microphone, even karaoke machine.. please volunteer it's services as i only have a CRAP ten year old portable which simply will not do.. anyone with any trippy lighting, strobe, disco ball etc please also offer up.. i have sweet FA entertainment-wise so any props will make it better for us all! laaaateeerrrrrrrrrrrr

dogpaddling the internet

micky lee hath fixed the electric behemoth (my computer) and it's still going really slowly on most things.. which just proves that satellite is utter utter shit.. two companies have alerted me that broadband is now available in my area but when i rang both of them up, they said they'd have to get back to me after they did some research into whether it was available to my PARTICULAR area.. wtf?! how come i get phone calls and promo junk mail and shit, and when i ring up to go fuckin sign me up NOW.. they go, oh wait.. not only is there some doubt as to whether you CAN actually get it, but our systems won't tell us yes or no and we'll have to ring you later, perhaps thursday? round four? *gnashes teeth* one of them got back to me and said well what you'll have to do is apply to switch contracts first, change all your details, research all the different plans and pretty much sign up. then if it's not available in your area, we'll send you a letter saying sorry. another bloke rang and left TWO messages on my machine saying i just want to chat about availablity of the broadband you rang about.. AND DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME YES OR NO!!! he just asked me to call him back!! seriously.. maxi gay.. i just want to surf the net- not dogpaddle it.. if it EVER comes to my area.. i'm signing up for the fastest shit ever.. no reason i should skimp on my connection to the outside world..