Monday, March 30, 2009

so sob we all

Dooooo hoooooood! i just had to waste some time... as i'm having severe withdrawals after seeing the last ep of Battlestar like-crack-tica... wahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so i decided to look for nerd related goods and i found some fuckin DOOZIES...

1. chewbacca usb sticks... actually pick a star wars character... they even had Fett

2. the light saber UMBRELLA... want!

3. the R2-D2 pedal TRASH CAN

4. space invaders wall decals with squiggly missiles and shields and shit

5. space invaders (pixellated with cross-grain wood) CHOPPING BOARD

6. a fucking TOAST PRINTER... to toast space invader icons (among others onto your bread)

7. a WICKED white hoodie that had the STORMTROOPER uniform printed on it in life size

8. an evolution of man figurine set (you know ape to man walking across your desk)

9. a periodic table of condiments (i.e. "My" mayonaisse M=32.5g)

10. a "pimp my cubicle" set that included a huge dollar-sign-set-in-resin paper weight, gold drawing pins, leopard print fringe to go round the cubicle walls, a disco ball and a mouse pad printed with diamantes that spelled "PIMP"

11. a space invader ICE CUBE TRAY

12. a han solo frozen in carbonite ICE CUBE TRAY

13. a coffee mug that simply said, in a techy font, : FRAK


i miss them so bad!!!!!


Sunday, March 22, 2009

nasal hellfire

ew ew EEEEEEEEEEW!!!! i'm in the middle of end of term s.a.c. madness and i worked all day at the vineyard last week in the rain and caught chillsies and now my head is full of inflamed snot exuding nastiness and i'm running outta laptop battery and the plug's just too far away but here!!! this one's for jen...
david bowie
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Friday, March 13, 2009


k so i'm like OMFG OMFG OMFG i have a s.a.c. (school assessed coursework) for each of my five classes next week! i was all psyched up to finally start studying seriously for the year and then the physics teacher goes we are doing the sac over two weeks now-mega stress reduction...

Then my highly incompetent chem teacher basically told us we had already sorta kinda done it.

Then i was surprised to find myself doing it a week early in english last wednesday.

Then pure math got cancelled cause of a fire in the building (more on that later) so we couldn't cover all the stuff to be on the sac so the teacher pushed it forward a week.

so that leaves normal math. which is totally doable... but it's not really enough pressure to get me to study... dammit i was all prepped to be study-bot and now i'm just thinking-bout-maybe-one-day-gettin-round-to-bein-study-bot.

anyway we were doing inverse composite functions and we hear the fire bell downstairs and we're like... it's probably nothing...

then with the full scale GET THE FUCK OUT THE BUILDING IS COMING DOWN sound armageddon... man that shit is loud!! i had to hurf my huge wheelie bag packed full o text books down four flights of stairs in a hurry as we couldn't use the lifts. The whole of degraves street is packed with people looking up and looking at each other and shrugging their shoulders. no smoke no flames. so our maths class is assembled in an alley doorway and we're all WTF and then the random asian guy is missing so i go off to look for him in the crowd and as i pass the foyer i see it's TOTALLY FLOODED and there's firemen going everywhere with all their whizz-bang junk and there's trucks and flashing red and blue lights and it's all very dramatic and everyone's a bit deaf from the alarm and then we find out the sprinkler system went off accidentally on level two and completely flooded everything down to the ground level... so i go tell teacher and she goes: "AGAIN?!"
by the time i got fed up and made for an earlier train home, degraves street was a puddle.
least we know sprinkler system works i guess...
fuckin great timing
inverse composite functions are really tedious

Monday, March 09, 2009

wear your fuhunkee fuhunkee eye-patch

so this is how pracrastinatory i have become.. hmmmm specialist math homework? or customising blog?

... not much of a competition.

gardened yesterday.. fertilised all my fruit trees with my bullshit... feel better... got strawberries and raspberries under control... made dinner using only stuff i had grown.. roasted jerusalem artichokes, zuchinni, cherry tomatoes, onion, potatoes, with heaps of herbs. didn't make the olive oil or the salt though. next year the olive tree will bear fruit. i'll have to trade if i want salt.

oooh and the guttering is back up so that means it's prolly not gonna rain for like a year now... but it's up! there i was carrying a 6 metre stretch of 9cm wide pvc pipe up 4 metres in the air and what happened? a very large, very long, very powerful gust of wind. so i've got this pipe horizontally pinned between my thighs and the ladder and i'm clinging on for grim death thinking hmmm i gotta prepare to break the bit i land on so i'll aim for ma head... it's the thing i use least heh.. but here i am..

man you'd be surprised how much momentum a long pipe like that can hang onto once it's goin..
i had to swing it the right way round before i got on the ladder and it just wanted to keep turning me around like a dervish. must 've looked pretty funny...

damn you inertia!

may the "m x a" be with you...

god how nerdy is THAT?!?!

remember: resistance is never futile...

it's voltage divided by current...

but wait! i have more...

you think i'll suffer everlasting hellfire? your belief system is thermodynamically unsound.


chemists have all the solutions


thank god for evolution


Sunday, March 08, 2009

the millstone

less than two weeks ago i felt incredibly happy. aware. like i had something to contribute. like people liked me. like i had heaps of friends. like i was lucky. like my life was going in the right direction. and those of you who know me well are aware that this kind of satisfaction with life is nothing but the precursor to a dive... i never know whether i am alone in this type of wave like motion.. it's like my mood is some circular function..

proceding upwards...


proceeding downwards...


repeat at intervals that are just a bit too long for the pattern to be detected and therefore accurately mapped...

or just really make it interesting by flipping magnetically to the inverse of the function so that the times when you expect to feel at balance in the middle between sad and happy-- actually become asymptotes.. points in space that don't exist- as they have no value- where you can just go off the deep end forever falling toward infinity and never quite getting anywhere... your path never quite becoming straight - the gradient never constant.. forever askew like some maddening unplumb line in an H.P.Lovecraft novelette...

anyway the mice here are reaching plague proportions in the walls and they keep me up all night tearing, tearing, tearing little strips off the old newspaper insulation in the walls to make their nests. hidden away from pods sharp claws. i hear them squeaking and scraching all day and all night.

sometimes i take a shoe and bash the walls and shout at them and they stay silent for a minute or two but then they realise i can't get in so they just carry on. the good thing is it motivates me to keep the kitchen spotless as i don't want to give them one scrap of food. so they eat my tomatoes off the plants. and pod's chicken pellets. and the wood panelling. shit all over my benches and chopping boards so i can't do any cooking without wiping everything down with hot soapy water first.

so i'm going to poison them all.

it'll be expensive and very very dangerous for pod but i've had enough. my favourite brand of mass murder is called "talon" bait blocks. they are blue waxy squares that you can throw behind cupboards or under floorboards or even nail to a wall. they contain an insanely powerful anticoagulant... i used it when i first moved in here.. i used to accidentally stand on the mice that had eaten it and lay dying.. for some reason they head for wide open space when this shit kicks in.. which is bad because if they stagger out into the open pod will most likely eat them which in turn will kill him...

it looks like a fuckin nasty way to go... i have watched several victims. as i understand it the anticoagulant messes with all the molecular bonds in the blood.. it gets thinner and thinner until it actually starts leaking through membranes and organs and veins and eventually dribbles out of the pores. death by haemmorhage. afterwards the little corpses look as if they have punctured but they actually have no wounds.. they just bleed from everywhere.. especially their hands, feet and faces...

so as you can imagine.. i don't really want that happening to pod. but the time for mouse traps and glue trays is long gone. i'm not even making a dint in the population. it's that damn hay shed next door. they just won't stop coming and now it's getting colder it will be worse. so short of nuking the place i can't come up with any other type of attack that will get rid of them.

so yeah at the moment i'm pretty sure i'm a total pain in the ass to everybody, that i am somehow worse than you, less valuable... someone to be avoided... a user... a loser... someone people like you, who are clearly better than me, have to put up with. which is utter bollocks but the id doesn't hear logic. it just feels.

every second word will be "sorry" soon... as i shuffle through life ashamed, like my personality is something to apologise for.. and if you jump on board my psychosis god help you... if you for one second believe that you ARE better than me somehow... that i AM unworthwhile... that i AM some kind of loser or user; a lesser person... i will drag you down with me and drown you in my sea of shit and you will fucking deserve it.

don't believe the hype.

don't let me convince you i am anything less (or more) than your equal.



Monday, March 02, 2009

the mother of inflammation

how long does a bushfire wanna burn?

i mean... srsly...i'm beginning to get attached. I call it 'stockholm-on-fire' syndrome. "my fire" has burnt out over 2,000 ha and is attended by over 100 trucks, driven by my neighbours and some dudes from canberra among others. Its name is "fire number 54" but i chose to call him "the toker" on account of him consuming so many pot crops. The livelihood of many, many inbred hippies has been destroyed........


somehow i doubt you'll be hearing about that on the evening news.

i can laugh because the toker is largely a pacifist. He hasn't killed anybody. He was going to.. but then he got high. I was working yesterday down at the organic vineyard surrounded by young, topless, rippling, friendly WOOFFers (working on organic farms for food) from japan to germany... hunting for bunches of green grapes the size of horse heads amongst the picturesque foliage, chatting to the hilarious old timer, getting paid and fed and... just.. yay. At the end of the day when the owners opened the cellar door and tried in earnest to get us to taste EVERY SINGLE ORGANIC WINE THEY HAD EVER MADE.. they told us the firefighters from canberra, that were camped up the road at a big B & B complex were coming down monday night to get sozzed as they were expecting mayhem with soaring temperatures and gale force winds and spot fires and yadda yadda yadda... they'd wanna get pissed after it was all over.. until a few days ago i was under the assumption that this fire was out. ha! people are still being trucked down from canberra to keep it under control.

oooooooooh i just got off the phone with my mother and she's been evacuated AGAIN. lucky for her she has a caravan and doesn't have to trek all the way out here again.. where she has been for the last week.. no shit she just went home on sunday.. now she's being shooed back out again.. fuck that i'm not leavin til i see the toker smokin my shrubbery... i think everybody is being evacuated willy nilly so that if anything like kinglake happens again the government will have covered its ass. i understand it has to seem like it cares.. .like.. to a ridiculous degree... but i reckon the worst is way WAAAAAAAAAAAy over. kinglake was a freak tragedy. it's not like there's going to be a 48 degree day with gale force winds again anytime soon.

It's fucking autumn.

stop scaring people.

there is no point in being overprotective of the people AFTER the peak of danger.. but it'll prolly stand you in good stead for your next political campaign... meanwhile folks are just fucking inconvenienced so leaders can look good. can you tell i'm sick of all this sensation?

my mother is completely sucked in, she'd jump off a fuckin bridge if the government told her to at the moment. every day she was up here we had the community radio on 24 hrs a day... waiting for instructions and advice and updates (which never changed... nothing ever happened). It was like she was living on the edge of a knife and she thought i was a fuckin idiot for not joining her in the fear parade.. on my day off she tried to get me out of bed at 7am to commence fuel reduction around my home. sweeping up leaves and collecting fallen twigs. "oh it's going to be bad today.. they say the wind is going to change and everything's going to go up" which it didn't. nothing changed. and yet she remained constantly worried.

i love ya mum but for fuck's sake. sweeping up leaves and taking bundles of little twigs down to the tip will not negate the fact that i have a fence lined with the neighbours' mammoth hay bales and four large eucalypts close to the house.. CHILLAX..

which i did. for the first time in my life i was able to let a one-armed elderly woman bust her ass working around my home without getting sucked into helping. take that! and her guilt trips usually work so well... i often find myself getting out of bed at the crack of "why-the-fuck-am-i-awake" to accompany her in some sort of industrial sized cleaning task that i would never do... EVER.

cleaning is for chumps and if i don't care if my house is messy then she should just learn to deal instead of mind-fucking me into making the place ship shape because it will be back the way it was half a day after she fuckin leaves. she loves to do that. she knows no matter how tired i am i can't let a disabled pensioner dust and sweep and tidy my house for me. she knows that if she starts with the loud clinking of dishes i will wake up and realise that when she is done with them.. she will be moving on to something that a one armed woman should not be doing alone... i've often staggered out in my pyjamas to find her trying to budge a rock the size of a sheep or a woodburning stove or a large log. i have no choice but to jump in and sieze the task from her.....


it wouldn't surprise me if she just finishes the dishes and dashes outside to position herself against some ridiculously large object... waiting for the sound of me crashing, bleary-eyed, down the stairs as her cue to start straining.. so that when i come upon the scene it looks as if she's been bursting a blood vessel in her ass for ten minutes..