Wednesday, February 28, 2007

the snow (pea) queen

man. i've paid for my new guttering with a solid weeks worth of snow pea picking (bout $7 per hour) it's a ground level crop and you have to search through the foliage to find the pods so you're bent over at a right angle all day, picking, throwing them in the box, shuffling along the row, picking, throwing them in the box, shuffling along the row.. size G tits up top don't help none. if it wasn't for nurofen i would have quit after two days like everyone else apparently does. the 40 degree heat didn't help either, i had to wear long sleeved heavy clothing to avoid sunburn and got heatstroke instead but i've toughened up a bit now actually i started getting there around 630 in the morning to avoid the heat of the midday sun.. going back there on sat to re pick the row so hopefully it's grown back enough to be worthwhile as i get paid per kilo.. ($3per kg @_@ which takes ages to pick then pack) but i get as much free organic produce as i can consume.. which saves me a fair bit on food.. i'm getting pretty buff in the spine and am arising before the sun even on days off so it's kinda healthy even if it is FUCKING HARDCORE. hopefully the peas season will last long enough so that i can earn some money for some real live BENCHTOPS! *sighs wistfully at the thought like 50's housewife*...... tomatoes are coming on now i eat about 5 - 10 per day straight from the bush.. eggplants nearly ready.. capsicums getting there.. beans coming on.. not en masse but enough to feed off. cat ear good. but EW my finger! i slashed it right down the side of the nail on a pea box and then later i busted the nail off and it yanked the egde of my nail INTO THE GASH!! the flap was so swollen by the time i realised that i couldn't cram it back under so now i have this bit of raw meat hanging off my finger.. it looks like chicken mince.. so so gross.. and everytime i even BRUSH the fingertip against something.. the nail moving in the gash just fucking KILLS.. am afraid of getting gangrene actually! or scared that the whole thing is gonna scar up real weird and make the nail go all funny and demented looking.. oh well, gotta eat.. i think i've used about 100 bandaids since it happened.. hope i haven't bagged any of them up with the snow peas by mistake.. make for an interesting stir fry.. here are some of my sunflowers!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

pop goes the baby

FIDEL JOHANNES SMOLINAERS.. BORN 11.20PM 23/2/07 and about fuckin time too. after three days of labour.. the little prick still wouldn't come out so they had to cut her open. noice.. speaking of pussy related shennanigans.. it's time for today's random feline humour!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

pick o the bunch

and i aint talkin wedgies.. i just scored a days work pickin grapes five minutes down the road on an organic winery and produce farm.. FIVE MINUTES DRIVE AWAY.. i don't know if i can convey to you just how happy that makes me.. i used to commute to the city - 1hr and 45 mins EACH WAY.. to get ANYWHERE.. i have to drive minimum 15 - 20 mins to get to the most basic facility.. i have to make sure i have a third of a tank of petrol at all times as- if i wanna go somewhere past ten at night, the petrol station will be shut and the next one is 45 mins drive away.. god i hope they just LOVE me and get me back for more work.. i'm going to work my ASS off monday so they'll wanna hire me again.. guys.. if it wasn't 40 degrees.. i could easily WALK TO WORK.. that is just so deeply convenient that it brings a tear to my anus.. and man.. the place is GORGEOUS!!! and oh did i mention fucking totally certified ORGANIC!!!!!!!!!!! *sighs wistfully, thinking of working way up to manage entire vegetable sector* the guys that run the joint? they are the dudes that are responsible for bringing purple potatoes and other weird trippy heirloom vegetables into australia.. like 15 - 20 yrs ago.. i wonder if any of them are single? damn damn damn.. so so so so happy.. pray for me.. pray they give me lots of work.. it will make me so happy.. i'm so hopeful.. but afraid of getting crushed.. pray while i beg the gods.. i want to work there full time!!! for as long as possible!!! with all the colored heirloom vegetables!! i ate one of their tomatoes today!! man.. i could learn some shit from those dudes for sure.. *floating on cloud but scared of falling* i can't help but hope way too much.


man everytime i try to log into my blog it only shows this pic of fleur.. no links.. no text.. no other photos.. and when i check it on blogger, the posts are fine! what the fuck is going on? hope this post kicks it back into normal format.. hate puters.

Thursday, February 15, 2007


OMFG! it's letting me post photos!!!!!!!!!! look at this gorgeous fat mole. she's now overdue. it doesn't wanna leave the bat cave. must be male.. though i reckon it's a girl but am shit at predicting gender. man she fuckin needs reversing beeps and extra mirrors just to get round the house.. look at her.. too cute.. must DIE! seeing as it's letting me post photos i'm going to now go mental........... but instead of attaching photos to posts of yesteryear, i'll just put them all on with some gay captions so you'll know what the fark they're of.. i can't stop looking at that fat belly!!! that kid is going to have to become immune to embarassment.. we are going to warp it's fragile little mind.. in a good way though. i'm not coming to the city til the bitch goes into labour. it was due on the 11th and apparently your first baby is, on average 8 days late of the due date.. i'm like.. GLUED TO THE FUCKING PHONE! i'm so friggin big kevved it's not funny.. hee HEEEEEEE i'm gonna be an aunty to the bellyfruit of beelzebub!! that's so what i'm calling it.. Beelzebubby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEE *wets pants*

post of photos past

  • this is my profile pic for lavalife at mo.. mmm.. attractive.. and yes that IS my own hand..

  • pod's first known non-rodent/bird/frog murder victim..

  • duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH CATZIRRAH!!!!!

  • kazza in drag on new years eve...

  • me and kiwikaren.. so so drunk...

  • mr. timmahverse....

  • new years eve before the pot kicked in...

  • me and leila after a great deal of green...

  • pod after getting caught in a rain storm HAHAHAH

  • levena and paige.. dying of cuteness..

  • me and the timmanator

  • he's so wasted he's got chinese eyes!! oh wait.. hehe.. you still haven't forgiven me for messing up your act on new years have you?! poor pickle.

  • my first alien zuchinni..

  • this is what happened when pete and fleur's kid grew up, invented the time machine and came back to say hello when he was 49 years old..

  • BEHOLD! the maidens of drunken costume!!!

  • sigmund and kana you suck balls that's why you're not here.. nah it's just cause i was too busy making an utter dick of myself on new years to take any photos of you.. hehe.. and cause you suck balls.. love yous all! yay for photos!!!!!!!!!!

pussy penis

planted out greenhouse yesterday. filled hanging baskets. planted more red spring onions, basil, round golf ball carrots. mulched. fertilised with this stinky composted peletised chook poo called.. rooster booster (!) stuffed zuchinni flowers and microwaved them (i have run out of gas for the burner) and they exploded cheese and herbs everywhere. repotted purple chilli, strawberries, and i think i murdered my healthiest tomato (doh) it was in this tiny pot and it was like.. ten times too massive for it and it was in the shade.. (no good for tomatoes) so i went to pick the pot up to move it into the sun and the thing had sent roots out through the drainage holes and grown into the ground and i snapped them all.. thought.. fuck it.. prolly dead anyway.. so i repotted it into a huge tub but it was already fruiting.. i feel so guilty!! don't think they would have ripened up in the shade anyway though. cat scab shrinking despite daily ripping. i brushed him today cause he was harking up more fur than usual.. i swear when i was done.. he'd lost a fuckin kilo.. there's a baseball sized clump of cat hair.. how can short haired cats (particularly the svelte oriental types) SHED SO MUCH?!.. he is middle aged, perhaps he is balding. i saw his penis for the first time the other day. god cat penii are hilarious. i came out and he was fellating himself on the sacrificial rug and i just lost my shit. i think i laughed for a full five minutes.. he had shrivelled up and slunk off long before i wiped the tears from my eyes so i think he'll blow himself in private from now on.. oh the shame.

Monday, February 12, 2007


and the cat is much better. he's stopped being extra mental.. he still has two ears.. one of them has a large raw wound on it cause he keeps scratchin the scab off.. but i'm no longer concerned he is going to die from venom or blood loss.. hope it doesn't get infected.. if it does i will take him out the back paddock and shoot him and get a real cat. he is a pain in the ass. what was that about pets reflecting their owners temperaments?! just what the fuck are you implying?

crookies from cookies

jen came up this weekend. i won name the nautiloid as i am ace (it's name is now zoidberg) and earned cookies as a reward. the batch was that big she filled the oven a few times.. when we were shopping for ingredients i was like.. all that chocolate is going into the one batch?! when i tasted one, warm from the oven, i nearly slid into a diabetic coma. couldn't stop stuffing them into my mouth. now my shit has chocolate chips and smells disturbingly good. we ate stuff from the garden. made pita pizzas. made olive and blue cheese quiche. drank the rest of the toxic UNICUM hungarian digestive liquer that i have had for atleast five years (it tastes THAT bad).. watched the old BBC hitchikers guide to the galaxy.. we also frocked up and walked to the isolated cemetery in the next town collecting bones and feathers in the rain.. and MAAAAAAAAAAN ripped off.. i rang the observatory in nearby Talbot and asked what we had to do to get some telescope action.. no booking necessary he goes just look to the sky round nine and make your way here if it's clear.. i said i'd ring to see if it was clear over THERE before leaving.. so i did.. and he goes well, how many of you are there? he went on to tell me a bunch of bollocks that could not fool me into thinking anything other than the fact he couldn't be fucked opening the observatory for two people.. he could have told us before jen decided to stay another night just to go there (like when i actually rang the first time asking what we had to do to get in).. before i spent a few hours begging the clouds to go away, fantasising about viewing real planets for the first time.. even MAKING UP SONGS about how excited i was to be going.. LAME FUCKER!! he's lucky punches don't travel through the phone line. i was LIVID.. poor jen.. so anyway.. if any of you would be interested in a sci fi party that includes a trip to the observatory, let me know and i shall set about organising some geeky fun-ness.. there's also a hedge labyrinth about ten minutes from here that i think would lend itself fantastically to a venetian carnivale day.. but we'd SO have to organise THAT properly.. one zany gathering at a time i guess.. i sense a drop in my mood (or new, crazily high blood sugar level) i must rectify this situation with more of the EVIL cookies of SATAN!

Friday, February 09, 2007

mad catter

poor little thing. he came in while i was cooking dinner. it was a while before i picked him up. when i turned him around to face me i found his ear and neck all covered in blood with fur missing. he was purring but all weird and struggly. he wriggled out of my arms and sat on the floor SCRATCHING this bleeding wound with his back claws.. really visciously.. he was tearing chunks of fur off with his nails and it just kept bleeding. he shook his head like a dog drying himself off and cat blood went everywhere. i thought well if it's itchy it must be getting infected so i held him down and doused his head with water. cleaned off the blood. then he started twitching. and just going MENTAL scratching his wound like a psycho.. so much blood! i trimmed and filed his claws to stop some of their ripping ability.. but he was just SPASTIC with the itching! i thought well maybe some soothing ointment would help. so i pinned him and smothered him with savlon. which he promptly flicked off. onto my sheets. he got fed up with my meddling right then and when i let him go he scuttled off down the remnants of the chimney.. i can't get to him in there.. but i can hear him shaking his head real fast and scratch scratch scratchin that bite or cut or whatever it is.. fuck.. hope it's not a snake bite.. does venom itch?! oh man if i'm this bad with a fucking cat what am i gonna be like as an aunty?! i just have this vision of him tearing his own ear off overnight.. maybe i should make one of those elizabethan collars that stop them hurting themselves.. can't get to him though.. nng.. if i can find him tomorrow before i go to pick up jen i may have to incarcerate him and take him to the vet.. god i hope it settles down.. i'm going to have to take some of nan's leftover medicine to get me to sleep tonight. poor puss. fuck he's BONKERS!! he's still going!! reminds me of when i got that bug stuck in my ear.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh maybe he has a bug in his ear.. fuck that is a cunty situation.. that'll make anyone postal.. fuck.. that means he's TOTALLY going to rip his ear to shreds.. the fur will fly with fury!

Monday, February 05, 2007


i got a coupla long lime green stripey zuchinnis! they're supposed to be straight but mine have come out all twisted into long warped C shapes.. so no sex with vegetables for me.. mmm zuchinni flowers stuffed with ricotta and chives.. mmmm.. went to see fleur again.. she's nine months preggers now.. i feel like i am on call.. when it's all born and shit neither her or her husband want to cut the cord so i offerred to chew through it.. and i also told her i was going to hold her down and MILK her if she didn't let me taste her breast milk in my coffee.. there's always more than the baby needs anyway, so what's the probe? i drink milk from a fly encrusted bovine teet, i can atleast TRY my best friends boob juice.. atleast she's from the same species (to my knowledge) can't wait.. i wanna make scones with it. i wonder if you can get cream off the top? mmm lady cream (that actually sounds a tad bisexual) i keep asking her what she's going to season the placenta with before she eats it.. i suggested a crust of moroccan spice.. and a side salad. i wanna be there so when the head comes out i can shout "well fuck me! it's HUMAN!" now we must all hold hands and pray to the goddess of intact perinaeums for her anal and vaginal safety! and that's it. out of pregnancy humour for now.. i can't wait to see the little maggot's blood covered, discharge streaked face.. she's going to do it without drugs so i asked if i could have them. nuh. tight ass.. maybe not for much longer though!! RRRRRRIIIP!!!!!! pray dam you PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!