Monday, October 30, 2006

insane clown posse party

Went to halloween party dressed as edwina scissorhands, scars on face, every pair of scissors i own taped to gardening gloves with gaffa, lots of stripes and black. it was pretty emo. i was helping my best mates paint their walls very strange colors until ten pm so i got ready and put on all the make up and then went... shit. it's so late. i should've eaten before making with the boozing.. oh well.. so somewhere between sitting on bi-john's lap, kissing the very cute disgruntled flatmate, and telling waghorn that i actually wanted to sleep with him instead of the other guy at gunny's a few weeks ago, i puked my guts up and lost about 80% of my memories of that night. i assume i made another pass at jen.. she's so cute when she's embarassed and she looked hot.. i may have been dry rooting some poor bloke/s on the couch in front of everyone for the hell of it. i may have done a nude lap around the property. but then again.. i could just be assuming the worst because usually i actually ENGAGE in the worst. it's what i do. i remember puking in the toilet then getting worried that other people wanted to piss in it so i started yakking in a bucket in front of everybody in the livingroom.. when i ran out of barf i didn't really feel any better so i kept asking people to say REALLY gross things to make me sick. no one could help in that department (to the antichrist of crass all others pale in comparison) so they fed me a large glass of milk with god knows what in it. i chugged it and hurled it back up and still felt like crap so decided to call it a night and passed out. i don't remember whether most had left before or after that. i am unaware as to whether i received a turkey slapping but i woke up with both my eyebrows and no texta moustache so i have to rate the hospitality of my hosts very highly. the next morning i lay in bed with cute disgruntled flatmate, later daniel joined us, and i babbled until i was dying of hunger and caffeine withdrawal. for those who could eat, it was big breakfast time followed by cheesy movies 'baseketball' and 'harold and kumar go to whitecastle' i remember when i first arrived i told poor friendly chanter to fuck off as he came up on me before i had my gloves on.. then i walked past the group out the front saying "oh spot the role players!! GAAAAAAY!!!" there was about one guy who took it personally i think. he was wearing a large glossy maroon cloak with huge feathered shoulder pad collar thing. i think he was shooting for evil-warlord-from-computer-game-land and maybe was a bit too serious about staying in character.. everyone else was real cool and fun. daniel came covered in green slime and his dogs wore black cloaks. gunny came as an insane clown. piss, piss funny. fanny looked hot in moulin rouge gear so i went up to her and said "are you a whore?" which sounded pretty bad really.. chanter went as death, rhys was a buddhist monk, laurie was one of those dark elves from some gay game but she looked rad with a black face and massive horns. bi-john was a bi-pirate. waghorn, i vaguely recall, had ninja head gear on but it was metallic pink. i think he was the gay pride ninja. there was the odd nurse, vampire, prison escapee and prior to my arrival some guy was a mummy but started to unravel so had to change. i remember stabbing myself in the ear but that was the worst wardrobe malfunction of the night and seeing as there were alot of blades hanging off me, i think that's a fairly good effort. throw more costume parties!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 27, 2006


hey sorry guys.. as i received a comment here and there i thought it was all in your heads when you kept telling me that there was something wrong with the comments, how they kept getting sent back to you.. all those times i thought nobody read! well maybe nobody does but atleast now you can comment when you visit cause thanks to jen it's all fixed up.. I, spaz... turns out i had my comment notification address as that's DOT OM people! revel in the unfathomably devolved consciousness of moi.. NOW FUCKING COMMENT YOU CUNTS!!!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

the war on hairballs

ok. so lately my cat has been dry wretching every half hour or so.. sometimes to the point of barfing. it came to a head when he let loose on my pillow and walked off without even re-eating it. when i told him he was a cunt, he just started to wretch again so savagely that i thought his asshole was going to come out his mouth.. it was that violent. so i went to the pet shop in ballarat today and got his fave food as he has been subsisting on the best stuff i can get from the supermarket in the nearest town.. which is shit.. furball control my ass.. so anyhoo i get in there and i go to the shop girl "hey my cat makes noises like he's trying to cough up a hotel.. alot.. hairball?" she nods and hands me this tube of shit called CATLAX. cruel practical jokes i could play on gunny and catzilla leap to my mind as i ponder the tube and i have to stop before i burst into mick's evil cackle.. so i ask the girl.. "will his but go all exorcist in the livingroom?" and she looks at me with that worried smile.. the one people flash at me when it's clear i'm being a little too no-frills. i say "he's sooooooo going to hate me for this" and she goes "no you don't have to force it into his mouth, you simply squeeze on his paw and he'll lick it off" i stopped myself from saying 'no he'll hate me from the OTHER end'.. anyway SCORE!! his little chicken flavoured pellets had a special offer going.. FREE CAT TUNNEL!! so the fun really started when i got home.. i put the sack of pellets on the floor so he'd stick around through hell or high water and i scooped him up.. the audio clip "simply squeeze from the tube onto his paw" was looping in my brain as he struggled and waved his paws about unaccessibly. so i got forceful and held his little claw as he yanked and yanked trying to break free, i squeezed the required two or three centimetres worth on his forearm and paw and triumphantly smiled and let go. then he did that thing that cats do when you put stickytape on their feet.. he shook his paw really fast and furious and the black slug size gob of feline laxative went sailing through the air and landed with a "plock" sound on the wall.. it's still there! how very unhygienic.. 'simply squeeze'.. what's so fucking SIMPLE about medicating a cat with ANYTHING?! he ran off but had to come back for the food!! i tried squeezing it directly into his mouth, which was about as effective as trying to demolish a house with, oh... a severed head, then i got nasty and held him down and smeared it all over his front leg. after limping around flicking his limb like an epileptic, trying to get it off his fur, he was licking for about fifteen minutes, periodically looking up at me to see if i was going to pull any other shifties on him.. which i did. same thing again on the other leg, hopefully it wasn't too much or he'll be pooing like a german porn star!!! probably on my pillow.. that'll make me look back on the days of barf with downright FONDNESS.. so i apparently have to do this to him every day till he stops harking like an emphysema patient. after he ate i whipped out the cat tunnel, hoping there would be peace between us. but no. i thought it would be the tunnel of love, but it is only the tunnel of silent revenge.. i called him.. i made kissy noises.. i stuck my arm in the side hole and rattled it, making scratchy noises, trying to lure him, promising pats, rolling it all over the livingroom floor so the little furry dangly things inside jittered attractively on their strings, talking to him through it.. fuck i even stuck my head in it. but all he would do was look up indifferently then bend his head down again and lap at his front paws even though all the catlax was gone, he was saying to me "oh you want play-plays now? yeah, um.. too busy, i dunno... LICKING!" which i suppose is fair enough. especially since i have the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow, he will be in a world of colonic dysfunction.. OUTSIDE!! oh god OUTSIDE!!! i wonder if it will have hairball sticking out of it?! i have this recurring image of him crouched in the defecating position while a stream of brown liquid shoots into the ground super soaker style, while his eyes bug out in worried surprise.. but somehow i don't think it's going to be that severe, but i can dream. atleast he's not a dog.

like an eskimo in hell

omg i have heat stroke. i was gardening manically yesterday and as i have extremely pussy skin i have to cover up entirely so i had a hat, a high necked- long sleeved top, long pants, gloves, boots.. i look like i'm protecting myself against nuclear fallout when i have to spend time in the sun.. i worked like a little devil chipping all the mortar off old chimney bricks so i could use them as a garden wall near the front door.. i also spent a bit of time in the green house which was fun as it was minimum 30 degrees OUTSIDE the greenhouse, then i moved alot of rocks that weighed more than i did into a garden bed shape.. after all this i had an extremely hot bath and as i am a tight ass with my tank water, i made the bath too hot, and wouldn't let any out to put more cold in so i just sat there in the boiling bath and waited for it to cool down. forgot i had insulated the tub with batts. turned red like lobster. went to bed with headache.. woke up with powerdrill stabbing hole in forehead.. nauseous as fuck.. puked guts up.. drank water.. puked again.. headache became insane and didn't abate even after four panadols.. it was like a monster hangover minus the spinning and without the fun of the night before. had to go to ballarat. bags under eyes made me look like chemo victim. sun through car window burning eyes through sunnies.. spent whole drive to ballarat leaning away from sun and into air conditioner in middle of dash.. was too hot again as had to rug up against more sun. felt like fully clothed eskimo in sauna.. anyway.. here are photos of my work.. or shall i say here are photos of the sheer carnage.. putting brick retaining wall near front door for herb garden. greenhouse up and full of seedlings too small for film.. more seedlings being raised in styro containers, tools, hay bales and irrigation pipe, bags and bags of poo and piles of dirt and compost everywhere.. i call it progress, most would simply call it a fuckin helluva mess, thank god it's not a friggin rental.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Mt Chuckmore

got reo, got compost, will garden.. right after this.. well it finally happened. trailer dude leant me and daniel the mega trailer, dan hitched it to his beast of an assault vehicle, and we took off across the state to pick up the steel. just before we left, i go are we taking the dogs? hoping he'd say no as they are cute for rottweilers but slobber heaps.. and he goes.. i'm thinkin about it.. actually yeah we'll take them.. i was fine with it until fifteen minutes down the road the farts started.. he goes oh yeah i forgot about that.. they're farting heaps today. and i mean FULL ON DOG FARTS.. so about six hours of driving passes and i think we must've set the world record for amount of times power windows were used in one trip. so i've come to the conclusion now that dogs pretty much suck balls. i know i complain about the cat alot. because he's fucked. dogs are so much worse. when my cat barfs it's a small handful. when i got up a little hungover the next day at daniel's place, a ground pizza the size of a dinner plate greeted me on the livingroom carpet. with bits of dry dogfood sticking out of it. baby cack yellow. i tentatively stepped over it aiming my ass for the couch and there it was. the dinner plate size puddle now looking like a mere flirtation with regurgitation as near the base of the couch rose the heights of the majestic mount chuckmore.. the gargantuan sequel. i didn't know sloppy stuff could pile up like that. generally it flattens out to a slick but i guess all the partially digested dry food gave the core of it some solidity. if i had festooned myself in hiking gear and set out just before noon i think i would've reached the summit by about ten at night. it just wasn't something i ever wanted to find. ew. ew. ew. so there's poor daniel waking up to a "meaty bite" surprise and having to clean it all up. then it dawned on me.. dogs have masters, cats have slaves eh? ok so i'm a slave right? but all my "master" bids me do, is feed him and pat him and very occasionally wipe up a small amount of barf that he has decided not to re-eat.. now.. daniel's a master right? but he has to make sure the door is open or shut so they can get in and out, take them for walks all the time, stop them attacking people's pets they may encounter on the way, have his entire house coated in drool, his lawn peppered with turds the size of soft drink cans, the cacophany of spontaneous barking, the cost and trial of lugging constant truckloads of dogfood back to the nest, only to have it regurgitated on the carpet after a blurry eyed big night and let's not forget THE PAL FARTS.. so dude! cat me! ENSLAVE ME!!! dogs are crap. unless they're small dogs. that ARE NOT white and fluffy. and are extremely well behaved.. but even then.. the fart issue cannot be ignored. wrong. wrong. wrong.

Friday, October 20, 2006

can i get you a beer?

MAN! my roof is banging in the wind.. so LOUD! too high to get up and fix it.. it's hell out there it's all cold and rainy and shitty and windy as fuck and i can't garden in conditions like that! hopefully this saturday i will score the steel mesh, and put up my greenhouses so i have enough of a windbreak in the front yard to do shit without all the dirt and manure flying into my eyes and across the paddock. my garlic chives have sprouted and a few more victims, i mean, tomatoes are pushing their little green selves up through the poo.. and my lettuce is looking strangely edible, as is the rhubarb growing out of the old toilet but i have to get my head around that before putting it in my mouth. the strawberry is particularly happy but no berries yet.. slack fuck. i told it this morning.. i pointed to an old flower bud on it and said, "look mate, that better be a fucken strawberry" then i laughed into the pot as i realised how agi-tarded that would have looked to someone that wasn't me. so i now expect my strawberries to spring forth with a sense of humour and the ability to get frustrated at, oh, just about everything. i picked up six garbage bags of poo yesterday off the side of the road, it was real hot and by the time i got home, my car smelt like a horses ass. i filled my wheelbarrow with bath water and shit and now it's turd soup and covered in flies.. ready to splosh on the garden. SO not game to do it in the wind. went to the tip and did some dumpster diving and made off with a whole backseat full of newspapers (to lay down as a base for the garden beds and kill the grass).. laid big logs from felled tree as garden edging and am nearly ready to lay beds and plant them with seed which just shows you how much of a nature dork i have become as this makes me really excited. i am worried about slugs eating all my seedlings so i'll have to start planting those beer traps everywhere.. you cut the top off a plastic bottle then turn the top upside down and fasten it back onto the bottle body.. sort of like a funnel with a reservoir underneath.. then you bury it so that the lip of the contraption is at ground level. then you fill it with beer. slugs and snails, being utter pissheads cannot resist the smell of the beer and come slithering to fall into the trap and drown happily. fuckers. DIE! i've been wondering what the freak i'm going to do with that godawful southern cross beer that's been in the back of the datto for the last year! i used to use a can of it to chock up the bootlid! actually i don't even think the friggin slugs would drink it. still have two bottles of pure blonde but i dunno if they'd be into low carbo beer either.. i may have to go and buy some cheap, stinky cooper's stout, or bott some homebrew off my mate.. heh i was thinkin the other night about just how puritan you could get about the integrity of your vegetable garden.. and how would you express this to others in the know? for example if someone was REEEEALLY gothic i would say "she is so gothic, she shits bats".. so if a person was a bit overzealous about the whole green purity thing i thought i would say "yep.. she's sure got organic homebrew in HER slug traps" then i realised that was gay. aside from the fact that NOBODY would EVER get that, well... it's just gay. like sigmund's taste in literature. we all have our homo bits. let us gay out with pride!

trailer mayhem

my mates have donated seven sheets of steel reo mesh (6m x 2.5m) leftover from garage construction to me for my greenhouses. only problem is they're in frigging RINGWOOD. the stuff being 6m long requires a tandem car towing trailer and alot of petrol, in a BIG car, to pull it back here. still it'd be worth it. that shit is like $50 a sheet! so another mate said he'd help me and i said there wasn't any real hurry but that was weeks ago! i have the soil ready now!! it's drying out without the plastic over it.. he's a gem for offering to help but man i've made a broken record out of myself going "when can i borrow the trailer when can i borrow the trailer.." so i hope he can forgive me as i will not be able to pay him with vegetables as he is an aussie bloke that only consumes meat and processed food (tastes so good.. is so bad) perhaps the occasional salad. i will make him alot of meat dishes. if it all ever comes together! is grouse. i'm also getting my dad to get me a load of compost for my b'day instead of taking me out to lunch so he'll be giving me shit in reality instead of in theory for a change. will post photos of progress sometime soon.. when the weather is not so bogus.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

kitty litter potatoes

i got my greenhouse up again. dunno if you recall but last time i put it up, it got mangled and blown into the air in a windstorm. this time i put it in a half protected position near a fence and some trees.. and what happens after three days of calm, melt-your-ass-to-your-balls hot weather, as soon as i put it up again. BANG! storm. but HAHA!! this time i lashed every one of its eight feet to massive buffy size ground stakes banged into the earth with a mini sledge. i then put bricks all around the plastic edges and heaped all my garden tools on top of those. i could hear it rustling all night and had visions of it greeting me in the morning all ripped to shreds (the fence it's next to is barbed wire.. not alot of choice around here) but lo! i opened my front door to a very normal looking greenhouse (apart from the fortress of weighty things gathered at it's base) so off i go to frolick in my garden like a really overweight, sarcastic fairy.. i may even put a floral wreath on my head and sing.. what the fuck.. we got rain last night-time to celebrate! oh a whole punnet of my tomato seedlings died. little cunts.. just cause i left them in a styro box with plastic too tight over the top for them to breathe.. pussies.. i'm layering the soil in this greenhouse so i will top it with seed raising mix then just plant the delicate seeds right in the bed there. fuck punnets.. seed trays are maxi-gay. they're either gonna grow where i put them or they can get fucked!! i cannot be fucked coddling little gay ass trays of pussy seedlings anymore. grow or die. i have enough seed and veg varieties so that it doesn't matter anyway so ner... oh! and grossness! i was digging over the spot to put the greenhouse, it used to be my old compost heap, where i dumped everything from grass clippings to veg scraps to cat litter (the pellet stuff made from old newspaper) and there was this massive chunk of globbed together cat litter-like about three trays worth- and while i was breaking it up with the pitchfork (insert banjo music) i found a whole network of really yummy lookin potatoes that had grown in there! dunno if i'm hungry enough to eat something that grew in cat shit.. must've been the ammonia in the piss and the nitrogen in the poo that encouraged them to multiply so rapidly (yay chemistry.. ammonium nitrate = mega fertiliser) the largest potato seemed to be trying to get away so i picked it up and it had been hollowed out by a seething mass of slater bugs.. thank GOD for gardening gloves. ah nature. so gross, so surprising and entertaining!!

Monday, October 16, 2006

cow population in crisis

what happened to the last few days?! oh yeah.. i was whacked out in front of knight's tv! it all started with his housewarming on saturday.. i sang songs in public on the birthday guitar.. yay for the temporary usurping of fear of performance! there was much food and drinking, resulting in two known vomittings and one known hangover.. and man. i just had a shit that felt like it was expando-foaming while caught perilously in my sphincter.. i put it down to the insane amount of meat that was consumed.. it rained snags and patties.. the humble beef cow has been plunged into near non existence as a direct result of the bbqing frenzy.. and trying to push a jammed turd made of rock out of your split and bleeding ring is always a sign that you've had a good aussie weekend, and consumed your own body weight in bovine carrion.. morning after the party, there was another bbq up the road. fuck. i feel a poo coming on and i am gripped with fear. can i hold it for a few days until the split has healed? stay tuned for the next exciting episode of bowel girl and the torn hole of pain. brought to you by "the save our last nine known cows" organisation.

grubby jocks

i want to be in the garden i really do. my late assignments are driving me crazy though. every time i'm outside i'm thinking... i should be doing that assignment i should be doing that assignment.. which is fucking gay.. cause i wanna know how the world ticks.. but on MY WATCH.. fuck the due dates! i hate it when i'm stressed about deadlines.. they are fucking homsexual inventions.. anyhoo i was reading through a garden book and i finally found a picture and description of the things i have been uncovering en masse as i dig over the earth for the veg patch. they are fat white grubs that are always curled into a C shape.. you can see their future wings through their membranous skin.. ugh bugs.. so gross. anyway the name of it could not be better.. the name of this thing in abundance in my garden.. is none other than the "cockchafer grub" it's become a theory that i may actually attract them.. hence the lack of man-ny goodness in my heart. yes. i blame the grubs. nobody wants cock chafe. IT MUST BE THE GRUBS.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

cough, hack, pop, onward!

guh.. have had bronchitis for the last TWO WEEKS.. am determined not to take antibiotics.. not like i have to be back at work in two days but seriously.. healing naturally is a pain in the ass! this morning was the first morning in a fortnight that i didn't wake up with juice in my chest.. so the phlegm is on it's way out but now i have two ear infections and a gooey eye.. we are SO dependant on penicillin that our bodies have a really hard time healing without it.. i'm sick of being dependant on a medication that gives me thrush and stunts my immune system.. if i get sick from now on i'm going to try my hardest to just get better by myself.. it's hard when it goes from your nose to your throat to your lungs then back up into your ears and eyes and you know all you have to do is take some little white pills when you first get the sniffles and you can avoid it all but man those little white pills were overprescribed to me as a child.. i had bronchial asthma for many years and every few months would get a prescription for 1000mg penicillin tabs.. these days they're reluctant to give 500mg to an ADULT once a year.. antibiotics upset your gut (and cunt) flora resulting in irritable bowels and constantly recurring yeast infections.. i've only stopped getting them now and don't want to start the whole fucking evil cycle again by plunging back into the pill routine.. i have this theory that if i heal naturally once.. i'll be less susceptible to going under again.. so i'm experimenting.. cause i can! *winces in agony as sputum in ear gurgles and pops* i agree with my nan.. i reckon we're SUPPOSED to get sick and heal OURSELVES to build up a natural strength and general immunity to illness.. it's just a cunt that the average workplace has no time for more than two or three sick days in a row, and also frowns upon coming to work when you're ill.. so we take our little white pills and rejoin the chain gang and our bodies forget how to take care of business and become dependant on the bandaid cures and i reckon that's fucked so i guess i'm turning into a puritan whacko.. must be the lack of flouride in my drinking water.. i may have an infected head but atleast my genitalia isn't so itchy that i can't sleep.. the lesser of two evils if you think about it hehe.. sniffle