Monday, November 27, 2006

the tonkinator

my cat is tonkinese.. i know i go on about him a bit.. but well nothing much really happens out here.. so shutup and read or get fucked.. he killed a friggin rabbit last night i put it under the oak tree.. i woke up this morning and he had killed a fat mouse and left it for me on the sacrificial rug.. i put that next to the rabbit under the oak.. then i was gardening and i went to check the mail and there he was sitting a metre from another murdered rabbit.. only he must've actually been a bit lunchy cause he had gnashed off the front of it's neck and its two front legs.. it was covered in flies.. when i picked it up it's head hung eerily from a bit of neck fur. what is it with cats and necks? anyway i put that next to the other two victims.. that oak tree is gonna have alot of blood and bone this year.. i promised that when he killed enough fauna to make a complete circle of death around the flora, i'd treat him to the vet as he will have clearly earned his keep. cute native birds and frogs will result in the removal of one carcass from the tally.. magpies and cockatoos are ok.. but i'd love to be a fly on the wall when he tries to take on one of those viscious swooping/nut stealing bastards.. he got the munchies and devoured a gorgeous blue wren a few weeks ago.. he left the feathers on my bedroom floor.. and a leg.. i just don't know how i can teach him to discriminate between animals that i think are cool and animals that i want him to kill as slowly as possible.. *sigh* i planted a whole bunch of seeds today to replace all my little babies that were eaten alive in the last few days.. i sprayed. i sprinkled. i covered. fuckers got me dancin that's for sure. i will not rest until EVERY LAST ONE IS FUCKING DEAD.. anyway you guys HAVE to check out "charlie the unicorn" it's a pisser that my mate levena sent me.. shun the non-believer!!! go here immediately! >>>>

Sunday, November 26, 2006

you can't stop the murders

woah. my cat is like.. death cat.. i was making vietnamese rice paper rolls last night when i heard an EEEEEEEEEEEE screeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE squEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and all this scrabbling and commotion and i went WTFIT?!?!?! walked out into hallway and there's pod with a fucking RABBIT in his jaws... in the livingroom. i shit you not. it was a really cute fluffy kitten rabbit maybe a third grown.. and it was still alive.. every time he put it down, the rabbit would just lie still and bore him.. not like a mouse that runs and leaps and tries to escape at every available oppotunity and is therefore heaps more fun for him to terrorise.. it would just be still until pod walked away then after a minute or two it would recover from fear paralysis and get up, try to run but pod always caught it.. jumped on its back and bit into its neck with his cat fangs and it would screech like a motherfucker. dam cat takes an hour to bat a mouse to death, a rabbit was gonna take all friggin night.. i usually take the mice off him and drown them in the sink to stop the torture.. but man.. this little fucker was so cute.. pod let him run into a corner and he was so terrified he was trying to jump up the walls to get away and screeee EEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEching all the while, so i got a towel and picked it up and held it for a while trying to psych myself up to kill it humanely but whenever i looked at it, its little nose twitched. i could feel its petrified heart thumping through the towel.. it was like the cutest thing ever.. but if i let it go.. it would fucking decimate my garden.. man.. i rang my mum- which is not normal- to get her to reinforce the whole "gotta kill it" perspective. she goes "mara. a rabbit in your garden is not your friend" i'm like DUH! me and my brother and father would go out rabbit shooting at night with a spotlight when i was a wee girl.. when one of us shot a rabbit and it was still alive.. i couldn't leave it to die slowly in agony but my father and brother were fine with it, so it was always up to me to get out of the ute and kill the poor fucker with my bare hands. as i was pretty small and had limited strength i couldn't perfect the karate-chop-to-the-back- of-the-neck-while-holding- it-by-its-back-legs technique preferred by farmers.. seriously i tried that many times but just hurt my hand alot and made it heaps worse for the bunny! same with the old put-the-head-under- your-foot-and-pull-the-back -legs-till-its-neck-goes-pop routine so - i became a basher. i would find a rock. i would pick the injured rabbit up by the back legs, pat it, then swing and swing and swing until i was sure its little furry head was dashed in completely and it could no longer feel anything. but this little guy wasn't hurt. he was just scared. i thought maybe i could drive for ten minutes down the road and set him free.. then i snapped back into the real world, and headed for my axe.. but he started to struggle in the towel.. i held him tighter and he went still again and started to breath in these really deep open mouthed gasps.. i looked at his little body and there was a tiny bit of blood from the fangs but not much visible damage.. but he just up and died in my hands and spared me the trouble of butchering him. he died of fright. i forgot how floppy dead rabbits go. their heads just lol on their necks like they're broken. i held him upside down by the legs and the next thing you know, pod's leaping into the air with his claws out and starts punching into it's head like batta batta ball bag down the gym. i felt sad. but it was just so funny. i'd put it on the floor and he'd bat away at it, trying to get a reaction.. tossing it around on the sacrificial rug pretending it was still alive.. the sick fuck.. i took a couple of photos of him with it but computer is neutered i can't post any photos.. then i took it outside and put it under the oak tree.. i feel like i had a hand in murdering the easter bunny.. oh and i'm going to execute every last one of those seedling chomping, stalk munching mother fucking insect fucks.. my rainbow silverbeet, my basil, my new capsicums and eggplants a few tomatoes, peas and squash, half my broccoli seedlings, some coriander and just about all my beans zucchinni and sunflower seedlings have been munched off right down to the ground. little green stalks are all they leave behind.. just enough poking up out of the ground to let me see something was once there before they FUCKING ATE IT..those little cunts are gonna die.. i got organic pesticides.. i'll poison them with derris dust and pyrethrum spray and i'm going to make chilli spray and burn them and they're all going to pay.. they ate the flowers (the things that make the fruit) of my tomatoes!! they chomp into my strawberries.. oh they're all gonna fucken die.. every last one.. i hate bugs. except ladybirds and worms and daddy long legs. i need an army of frogs.. i think i will build a small pond.. oh and i bought my green house back from the dead.. with alot of gaffa tape and copper pipe from the tip.. anyway this is draggin on but don't they always.. if you've made it this far you either have no life or are a true friend or both. ta ta!

Friday, November 24, 2006

idiot savant.. with extra idiot

fuck me. i dunno whether to laugh or cry. well i've actually done both in the last few hrs. i rang the open uni correspondance people.. i had to defer 'intro to physics' a month or so ago cause with intro to chem simultaneously, i couldn't keep up.. which is weird cause usually i take on twice as much study as is recommended and ace fucking EVERYTHING. no joke. i am learning girl. that's why when i realised i couldn't juggle only two science subjects at once, i started to think that maybe i was heaps dumber than i had been led to believe. maybe getting on the presidents honor roll for my A+ average in the US for that years worth of subjects i did in three months was some kind of mistake. maybe americans just have a lower academic bar.. i really began to accept that somehow i was of below average intelligence.. i just couldn't understand the science subjects. i would read, and re-read, and re-read, and re-read, and get on the net and search and search for layman's explanations of these alien terms.. it seemed every sentence contained something i was required to know but just didn't. i had to hit my ancient dictionary several times just to make sense of a SINGLE PARAGRAPH in the text book/s. regardless my assignments and tests came back at around 90%.. but seriously.. i gave it everything to get that.. which sucketh.. as usually when i give it everything i have, my marks are off the scale. i couldn't understand why i was still getting around 10% of my answers wrong, after putting in such colossal effort. and why i was so BEHIND.. even though my marks are fine, why am i only halfway through the 4 month unit when i study so hard? the final exam is next week! why am i learning this so SLOWLY?... now i know. before i started these two science courses, i spoke to a student advisor who, after assessing my previous performance at college in the US told me just to jump straight into chem and physics and that i would certainly be fine. i don't think he realised that western history, sign language, BASIC algebra and the other six classes i took, had definately NOT given me a solid background in the sciences.. and the only science i took in high school (15 yrs ago) was psychology, which is more of a humanity than a science. so....... i called the co-ordinator saying that i was just having awful trouble understanding my tutor's comments (she does everything SO differently in comparison to the textbook), and that the way she answered any questions i emailed her confused me so much, that i had stopped asking her as i was afraid of the replies. they made me feel like i was being spoken to in chinese.. the co-ordinator looked at my file and said, well it doesn't say here on your record, so could you tell me where you did chem and physics in year eleven and twelve? i was like.. um.. i'm taking "INTRO to chem" and INTRO to physics" because i DIDN'T do them in year 11 and 12.. she was silent for a bit. so was i. then she insisted i tell her how the hell i had managed to get this far, with such high results, without any foundation knowledge. it still hadn't really dawned on me, so i said.. but aren't 'INTRO' courses supposed to GIVE YOU A FOUNDATION?!.... she goes ""........... *_*.......??? WTF???...."then why are they called "introductory" courses?".... "oh they mean 'introductory' at university level.. this is what you would take if you had done these sciences in VCE and wanted to extend that knowledge to become a scientist...." well fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she told me that i shouldn't be too upset.. she said i had managed to write a story in a language i didn't even know how to speak.. but i still felt the overwhelming urge to kill her.. so much EFFORT! all that horrible horrible suspicion that i was a complete dumb ass, because after the third time going over something, i JUST didn't get it... i'm serious guys. it really fucked my self esteem. if i wasn't such a stubborn bitch cunt, giving up is what i'd be doing right now. but it looks like i'm going back to high school. i can't fucking believe it. lucky i can do it through CAE for cheap.. they have a subject over a period of a whole day per week, instead of 40 mins four days a week in an actual high school.. but it's still going to take me TWO FUCKING YEARS. i'm so disappointed. there are no intensive courses where you can just do yr 11 and yr 12 physics in 6 mths. you have to do it stretched out as if you had four other subjects to do simultaneously. same time frame as if you were doing your WHOLE VCE. which is a fucking joke. it's a fucking joke that really isn't very fucking funny..and i don't know how the hell.. man... CAE is in the city.. my garden, my cat, my home is out here.. a home that needs me to get a job to keep making the payments.. even if i commute to the city twice a week by train.. how am i going to support myself for two years?! i'm so pissed off! man, it was agony, but i WAS getting there.. but now i have to throw it all away. i have taken one step forward, now two years worth back.. on one hand i feel like a bit of a genius. on the other i just feel like an idiot. same ol same ol really. why do they make it so hard to learn? i just want to know about stars. it's like pushing shit up hill with my purple toe. anyone would think i was trying to assassinate the american president. god knows i'd have more support in THAT venture than i do in this one..

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

the black toe and the maelstrom

this is the first time i have been online in 3 days cause my puter's rooted.. got chem exam on the 30th so won't be doing anything about it til then.. am cramming like a motherfucker.. and last night i was huddled in the hallway wedged between a wall and my fridge, in the dark, as there was a friggin CYCLONE outside.. the power was out for three hours.. the storm lasted for about ten hours, it twisted and ripped my steel greenhouse frame apart like toilet paper.. yet in the eye of the storm, i retrieved the cat unharmed, albeit a little wired.. sheet of steel mesh fell on my car, branches got ripped off my trees, styro containers full of dirt and seedlings got flung into the air and smashed on the ground, my wheelbarrow was glued to the wire fence from the sheer force of the gale at one stage.. and i went round the back today and the wind had picked up a few small logs from the firewood pile and BLEW THEM ACROSS THE YARD. LOGS I TELL YOU. the width of my thigh and nearly as long.. ofcourse all my mulch (not the cheapest stuff ever) got blown into oblivion, but most of my plants survived.. i found them bent over from the blasting they received all night but still with flowers and still alive.. underneath the wreckage of the greenhouse.. it was fucking wild dudes.. trees were horizontal.. chunks of plaster were falling off my wall from up high.. the roof held, don't ask me how.. at one stage when it started to get real bad i tried to go out in it to reinforce the lashings of the g'house to the ground stakes, but i was hit by flying twigs and shit that cut me they moved so fast. it was like they were shot out of a gun.. and not ONE DROP OF FUCKING RAIN!! RIPPED OFF!!! i ventured over to the neighbours this morning to trade war stories and they said in thirty years of living here.. they had NEVER seen it that bad.. on my way into town, i saw tree after tree had been ripped apart.. the SES must have been very busy last night hacking it all up to get it off the road.. some people had lost their rooves.. it wouldn't have surprised me if a sheep had sailed past my window.. unfknblvble! oh and the night before i was studying and i was engrossed in the text book and i saw something out of the corner of my eye and when i looked it was a HUgE hAIRY SPIder about to crawl on my leg. the text book was flung into the air. so was the calculator. i leapt into the corner of the room and was so terrified i thought "what if it crawls toward me? i won't have anywhere to go!" so i leapt up onto the coffee table and thought "what if it climbs up the LEGS?!" so i leapt over the wicker chair into the middle of the room and my little toe caught on it and when i landed i saw it was sticking out of my foot AT A RIGHT ANGLE i shit you not.. i swung between "woah! that's SOOO weird!!! COOL!!!" and "ew ew ew ew ew ew ew hurt pain ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew paranoia of permanent damage ew ew ew ew ew ew" so i manhandled it a bit and it wouldn't stay in it's normal position.. funny thing was.. i could WIGGLE IT INDEPENDANTLY!! like the bits that usually connect it to the movements of the next toe got ripped.. anyway i rang the hospital and asked what i should do and i told the nurse i had done it leaping away from the world's largest domestic arachnid and she pissed herself laughing at me then said : ice pack.. bandage.. elevation.. panadol.. then i said oh man i can't even run away from it if i see it near me again.. so i hunted it down amongst the bits of my livingroom and killed it twice.. double ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.. i prefer the throw the phone book ontop of it from a distance, then scream like a little bitch and run away tactic, it's quite effective. unless you don't like a thick coating of insect intestines covering your phone books.. ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.. so anyway my toe is totally black it's fucken wiggy as!!! and i'm hobbling around for the rest of today trying to repair my poor torn greenhouse.. should be studying.. oh well.. life's fulla should be's.. hooray for plant survival.. i love those little guys.

Monday, November 13, 2006

computer in drag

oh man my computer just gets slower and slower, i think i may have picked up a virus when i disabled norton for a few brief moments to post photos and check my hotmail. it just keeps dragging it's saggy ass more and more, it's AGONISING to use.. like heaps more than normal. anyway yesterday i was so hot i had to sleep in my birthday suit with the fan on and today i'm rugged up in a blanket coccoon freezing my titties off.. and if you've seen the size of my titties, you'll know that's a whole lotta freezin.. i've tried to post photos of me and jen in drunken spice wine inspired drag but it won't let me.. not even when i disable norton now.. so fuck, i dunno bleeeargh.. i'm off to town on a mission for bread crumbs, cat laxative and an express post envelope.. cheerio!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

temperament of a see-saw

dudes. i have been feeling unseasonably good for the last week. whenever i feel unseasonably good and dance nude in the rain and shit.. it usually results in me paying for my short lived ecstasy with a whole bunch of burning in mental hell.. which i found myself doing today.. i was scratching my face with jagged nails and wailing like a banshee.. it was that uncontrollable i felt really dangerous like i could just instantly do anything.. like a really bad anything.. that's why i fucking hate it when i start to feel good about life.. because i know i'll feel twice as bad shortly after.. it's like in that movie "city of angels" where the main character, an angel guy, falls from grace to be with a mortal woman he has fallen in love with.. then she gets killed like a week later.. and he's left alone in a cold new reality.. when he's asked if it's worth it he says something like "it was better to have touched her and felt ecstasy for one moment, rather than living an immortal life without it for eternity" which in an achy breaking heart kinda way is true.. but he had a choice man.. he CHOSE.. he made the move to feel that ecstasy.. i don't have that choice.. it comes jumping so briefly into my heart without my consent and leaves an agonising, burning stain in it's wake, and if someone asked me if it was worth it.. i'd have to say it doesn't fucking matter, because i cannot regret a choice i never made.. i just re-read what i wrote and i sound totally fucking bi-polar. up, UP, UUUUUUUPPPP, down, DOWN, DDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN... and DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN... and then MORE FUCKING DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN... into the red with all the other souls tearing at their own genitals and eating them, chewing on their own arms and legs, madly savaging their own faces off and ripping clods of hair out with eyes showing way too much white, anyhoo that's me for the day.. sweet dreams kids! oh my broccoli, silverbeet, bok choy and a bunch of other stuff has sprouted which is good cause by the sounds of things.. i need to eat more greens.

Monday, November 06, 2006

high as a kite

jen ventured to my abode on the weekend to help in the attempt at making a greenhouse, with the aforementioned sheets of steel mesh.. it was a dome tunnel in my head but ended up looking like an upturned boat.. so a revision of structural engineering (or lack thereof) must take place before any further progress can be made.. basically we gave up and got pissed. we lit a fire. put on some medieval music. turned on the fairy lights. made spiced wine.. then the antics began. the fire drum i salvaged from hard rubbish, last time i was in the city, is an enamelled thing.. like an oil drum. the fumes of the burning enamel paint was enough to send flames shooting horizontally in the wind about, oh, a METRE.. i made the wine with 3 bottles of $2 clean skins and had to add so much spice and sugar to hide the taste it ended up dripping, off the cups we dipped into the pot, like radioactive slime but it did the trick cause next thing you know we're dressing up in drag and i'm lacing jen up in this corset so tight we're busting the strings and wigging up and hatting up and generally being frockaholics which inevitably led to taking bad drunken photos that were as blurred as our vision.. then as it was so windy outside, i was taken by the idea to whip out my old kite with the ten metre gay rainbow tail and enough string on the spool to crash it into the moon.. i haven't flown that thing for so many years i forgot how fun it is! so there we were in the middle of the night, festooned in so much embroidered velvet we could have sheltered ourselves from the atom bomb, smelling of spice, running across the newly ploughed field flying a huge kite that looked like a massive sperm, trying to fertilise the full moon. it was like something out of dune.. except the worms underfoot = way smaller. and duuuuuuuuuuuuuude.. newly ploughed fields + drunken running in floor length dresses in the wind while looking back over your shoulder at a kite + darkness = skinned knee. i couldn't believe the depth of the furrows! it was like that scene at the start of the matrix where the cops and agents are chasing trinity over the zigzagging warehouse rooftops! up up up, down down down.. i can't remember how many times i fucking fell over!! but i know each time i did, i laughed my ass off, which is what it's all about really.. huzzah for random guests!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

i am my grandest mother?

so close to finishing beds and planting everything now.. got two beds done.. five to go.. hopefully will grow enough food to preserve with nanna's fowler's kit and maybe even sell excess produce at market.. when i was a toddler my nanna used to trip out watching me roll out play dough or scone dough.. apparently i used to put down the rolling pin and pat the dough twice with my right hand.. which is exactly what HER grandmother used to do.. and her grandmother made a living growing vegetables and selling them at the market!.. i think part of me is an old english peasant woman!.. she raised four sons by herself, sent them to school, got them educated and into trades (no mean feat in pioneer australia) and by the time she died she owned four houses. not bad for a single bird in a penal colony starting from utter poverty.. man we're talkin 1800's here! she wouldn't have even been able to fucking VOTE!.. kudos lady! probably lucky her husband died or ran off or whatever.. if he'd been around, everything would've belonged to HIM, even if it was because of all HER hard yakka.. GRRR!!! not these days buddy.. suck me..
well i'm not a foreigner here (although sometimes = feeling like alien) and i'm not a single mother of four.. but dude.. i have no idea where this urge to garden came from.. it feels so familiar.. i know stuff i don't recall ever being taught.. spooky.. and last night.. (this is going to sound tragically new age - but it's much older than that).. last night i was in bed and i heard the rain start and was so happy cause i'd just planted a shitload of seeds as the daylight faded into night and i'd forgotten to water them in.. we haven't had rain for AGES out here.. so lucky! my tank overfloweth relievedly.. it smelt so good.. the rain on the hot sunburnt grass and the newly dug dirt.. i smelt it through my window.. and i couldn't help it.. i got up out of bed, felt my way down the stairs in the dark, took off all my clothing, opened the big front door and began to dance naked in the rain. i spun around with my arms stretched up to the sky, i frollicked in the freshly unearthed seed bed in between rows, i leapt around the potplants and half swung from the branches of the almond tree. then i lay down on the wet, half dead grass and let the rain fall on my body as i listened to a choir of frogs jamming with the pitter patter.. when the mugginess turned cold and the grass began to make the back of me itchy, i went back to bed and was joined shortly after by a wet cat, who had apparently given in to the same instinct.. some ancient memory surfacing, reconnecting me briefly with the planet.. *sighs contentedly*

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

snap happy

sweet. disabled norton. hence ability to post photos.. scroll down.. there's reno photos of the garden and a pic of me in edwina scissorhands get up.. now i know the secret!! have probably contracted fucking virus in the fifteen minutes it took me to do a few things. fucking norton. fucking computers.. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

norton must die!!

ok. have been unable to chat or do much on the computer lately as it's so slow. turns out it's not the computer. it's also not the connection. it's the FUCKING NORTON ANTIVIRUS!!! please help me i'm tearing my hair out.. how the fuck can something that's supposed to make your computer better actually make it suck beyond belief? this computer was on NOD before and when that ran out (ian set it up) i just went and got norton cause it seems everybody fucking uses it.. jesus. can anybody tell me what the fark is going on? would ian have changed something in the computer for the NOD program that doesn't agree with norton?! is it something i can change? or is norton just FUCKED?!?! if yes.. what should i use instead that WON"T make me tear out my own pubes in frustration? what do you fuckers all use?! HHHHHHHHHHHHEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!

dracula's teabag

...used tampon... dracula's packed lunch?... a used pad... i wonder if he'd wring it out over a wine glass or just chew on it? anyway happy halloween bitches.. i am planting my garden today as it is the new year of the old celtic pagan calendar and seeing as they have festivals that centre around crops and the harvest and shit, i'm guessing that if my future vegetables were going to have a religion, it'd be paganism. i've shovelled alot of poo over the last few days, and i only saw the mystery men movie at dan's the other day, so for the moment i am the shoveller. my arms are getting pretty buff. the rest of me is still fairly wobbly.. and i have frogs in my garden!! i fucking LOVE those little cunts.. i was sure i had scared them off by getting a cat.. he has been known to give them a very hard time. one night i heard this screeching and i went out and there he is attempting to bat a poor innocent amphibian to death.. i had to rescue it, which was hard as it was dark and the frog was in it's cammo gear.. he told me later that he was the sniper sent in to exterminate the cat so all the frogs could move in, but unfortunately he had a weapons malfunction.. and another time i was digging the garden bed up with a pick axe and i swung and i looked down to swing again and there were two little things poking out of the dirt, jerking wildly. it was the lower half of a large brown frog. i was inconsolable. i still tear up just thinking about it. i just love frogs. sue me. my neighbours told me that it was most likely a "gobblebomp" which made me nearly pee my pants with laughter.. some naturalist actually named them that. apparently they make that sound. gobble-BOMP, gobble-BOMP.. so i hope it's making that noise gleefully in that big pond in the sky right now.. so i thought there had been enough random frog murders to discourage them from setting up here but hooray! i was wrong! i went to water some herbs the other day and fuck me, a little green bastard jumped out of one of the lettuce pots. naturally i started talking to it in excitement, as i am demented.. i love them even more now i have a garden as they eat slugs and other fuckers that would snack up my veg..
it's probably why i just hate french people too. but then again, whether they're eating my mates' legs or not, the french = generally shite. i want to put up my second greenhouse but just can't until i have an extra pair of hands here just to hold that one little bit still while i lash stuff together.. so fucking irritating.. now i know how my mum feels living life alone with just one arm. no shit. she has to wait for a visitor to come so she can get them to hold the ceiling cord still just so she can push in a new fucking light globe! way gay. ok that's me for this afternoon.. ps. frogs are cool as fuck.